Paris Hilton

The Uncelebrity ROSSMAN

I was horrified when I first saw this video. I was totally disgusted... What the hell were Paris Hilton and her boytoy-of-the-moment thinking?!?! Not only was the quality of the tape just horrendous, but Paris herself could have been replaced with a dead large-mouth bass and the action would have had more life to it! Seriously! I hope her daddy's fortune holds up, cause Ms. Hilton has no future in the porn industry at all.

Let me backtrack a bit here for you readers out of the celebrity loop. Paris Hilton (daughter of mega rich Mr. Hilton of Hilton Hotels) and Richard Salomon (now the husband of Shannen Doherty [that lucky wench]) made a sex video of themselves three years ago, and now it mysteriously popped up on the net and in porn stores across the States virtually overnight. Now Paris is pissed that her ex-plaything would do this to her, and Salomon is suing the Hiltons for painting him as a "rapist" and molester for the way he treats their precious shnookems in the movie... And I use the term "movie" very loosely as the acting and action is just ghastly. If you want to see it for yourself, just get the flick off of the thousands of live Kazaa seeds going on now. If your office has great porn blockers, well you ain't missing much, and you can just stay here while I review the celebrity turd of a romp for your reading pleasure.

First of all, the whole thing is like a half an hour long and it was apparently filmed by US Army Rangers with nightvision goggles. Everything is black and green, and once you see Paris' nekkid bod you're kinda glad you can't see much detail. Not that she's obese or anorexic or anything gross, but she's flat, she's got no ass whatsoever (her rump kinda concaves a bit... It's really disturbing) and her hair is just a mess. Seriously, you'd think that she'd have gone to the stylist or something before appearing on film... Especially when she knew (oh yeah, she knew) that it would go public someday (how do you not know when you plan to leave the only copy of it with the guy who you'll eventually dump and treat like yesterday's dog droppings on the world's media stage). The frolicking couple seems to be watching TV (I could hear a laughtrack in the background, but honestly that just could have been coming from Salomon himself when he realized what a joke his date was in the sack), and Paris actually stops at one point to answer her ringing cell phone. She literally pushes her man off of her so that she can pick up the call... I don't give a shit if you're expecting a call from Daddy Warbucks or Santa Claus himself, you turn off the goddamn phone, bizatch! God! That's more annoying than crying babies in the movie theater.

Anyway, during the whole thing Paris is easily distracted (like a retarded kitten who's attention is constantly stolen by the closest shiny object or dangling piece of string), but that's okay cause she has no idea what she's doing with a naked man on top of her or behind her anyway. I'm telling you, she fucking moves like a mime walking in the wind who keeps forgetting which direction the heavy breeze is coming from. Salomon will set her up in a good position and begin to physically start making the loving, but then Hilton tries to turn their bodies into a pose that two connected humans should never ever attempt. I'm surprised that neither of them are not permanently physically or mentally hurt after some of her bad calls in bed. She moans at all the wrong times (Salomon stopped or actually retracted several times and she kept on moaning in a terrible Marilyn Monroe deep-voiced impression, "Oh YES, baby. That is how one should be pleasing me like a stallion"), and she can't even look sexy or wanting to either her lover or to the camera. It's obvious she wasn't a virgin when she filmed this thing (she's not shy or ashamed in the least and she actually says "Hi" and giggles to the camera throughout the tape), but she acts like a mongoloid schoolgirl who is being taught about the birds and the bees for the first time but can't grasp the situation firmly or understand why that guy's peepee stick is trying to poke her.

I will give Ms. Hilton props for giving decent head. Not the "best" head, but it looked like good head. But come on, seriously, what chick gives bad head? Unless she fucking bites down or stabs you with the wrong end of a tongue piercing, any head is pretty good head.

One thing I'm confused about this whole fiasco is why it's a such big deal? I mean, Paris Hilton is not an actress (as is painfully evident in the video), she's not particularly pretty, and the only reason for her to be famous is because her dad is super rich (he could probably shut down my site and my life in less time than it takes to watch his daughter's crappy sex tape). And her ex-lover is not anyone popular either (his biggest claim to fame is marrying that abortion of a television star, lop-sided-eye Doherty). So who really gives a damn if they filmed eachother boppin' bodies in the dark on film? Man, give me Pam and Tommy Lee any day! They had it goin' on! Their tape was art!! Pam had/has a nice body (firm and round butt, big ole titties), and Tommy... Well, if you haven't seen it you wouldn't believe my compliments to the man. But the thing about Pam and Tom was that they knew beyond any doubts what they were doing together, and nobody got confused (except maybe the viewer) while they were doing it. If you ever need a "how to" movie on pleasing a woman (or if you're a chick, pleasing a man), watch the Tommy Lee Vs. Pamela show. It's 1000Xs better than something some moronic rich heiress could ever put together.

What did I think of Paris Hilton's video? It was boring, almost painful and horribly filmed. I give it Two Terrible Rossman Thumbs Down. If you need porno this evening, do yourself a favor and just rent Where the Boys Aren't Volumes 4-16. You'll thank me for it.

The Tapin' MEGAPLAYBOY

Oh man! This video should mainly be used for de-bonering a man! This shit ain't right... Yo, fool, I've seen people in the middle of seizures with more rhythm in the sack than these two sorry wankers. Sunovabizatch! Now I's gots ta go and watch some hard core freak-on with Terra Patrick to make up for this sheet.

Just let it be known that the Megaplayboy has warned yo sorry ass. Don't be checkin' this video out! You'll have a worse muthafuckin' experience watchin' it than those peeps in that Ring movie did watchin they's tape. The Megaplayboy gives this sucka a thumbs down!

The Vampish WOLFMAN

The Wolfman produces asexual-like. The Wolfman don't give no damn nevermind about no Paris hotel sex tape. Piss off. She looks like a man in drag anyway.

The Wolfman will save some urine from markin' his territory to take a whiz on this unoriginal piece of celebrity stinkpie.