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Rentin' from the Rossman
The Rossman and Uncle Sam
The Subleasing ROSSMAN

It all started back when I thought I'd help out some good friends of mine who were moving to Europe for a little while. The Bannisters had a problem. They didn't want to sell their quaint little house in the burbs, and they knew that they couldn't take it with them. So I volunteered to house-sit for them while they got their jollies off in lots of exotic locations like Latvia and Luxembourge (SP?... eh, who gives a shit).

But as soon as that was settled I came upon a problem of my own: What to do with my apartment? It may not be the greatest abode on the planet, but it serves its purpose as shelter from most of the elements. And unfortunately I got stuck with a 12 month lease that I couldn't get out of no matter how many times I tried to blow up the main office to erase my records. So, long story shortened somewhat, I decided to try and sublease the shithole.

The purpose of the design of the flyer that I came up with is two fold. Firstly, it's supposed to make people want to call me up and sublease the place from me. Secondly, it's also supposed to make hot college coeds want to take off their clothes and dance seductively on my lap for free. So far neither intention has been met.

I started off with a cartoon image of myself that was stuck in great surprise. I couldn't think of a reason for me to be surprised by anything at the time, but it was just artistic inspiration, so I went with it. Then I thought, "You know, I think that a talking dog would be pretty damn funny if he was giving the surprised me some sort of advice," because that's how I get most of my counsel in real life. I thought that it was humorous how life imitates art and vice versa sometimes. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. Yep.

But then I was stuck. Although it was a good Surprised Rossman and Talking Dog, they didn't really tell the reader anything about subletting my apartment, which was the whole point of this artistic endeavor. So I looked for inspiration by running over bikers who ride their bikes at 2 miles per hour in the middle of the road. After I backed up on them a few times I would ask them what they'd like to see in a flyer that tried to get a person to sublease another person's apartment. Most admitted that free gay male prostitutes would do it for them, but since I didn't know of any, I opted for a month's worth of free rent (actually, just half a month of free rent, and I'd try my best to stick them with the previous month's bills too because I'm a cheaper whore than Kristin Strader from high school was).

Then I just put in a bunch of text that basically lied about how nice my apartment is and what a great deal the subleasee would be getting. All lies. All very horrible and damning lies.

So far nobody has called about the room. It can't possibly be the flyer's fault though. Everybody else on campus must be a total dickhead. I will punish them all.

What did I think of My Sublease Flyer? After taking a step back and looking at it with fresh eyes I can see that it is glorious! It speaks to me in ways that I never would have thought a 2 minute piece of art could. I give it a full 8 out of 8 Rossman Stars of Patriotism. It has everything one could hope for in a poster pimping a disposable apartment dwelling. Action, free things, wonderful use of magic marker, and a talking dog. A fucking talking dog!! Holy shit, why doesn't anybody rent my goddamn apartment?!?!?!

Chi-Chi the pants shitter
The Subtle CHI-CHI

The first time I saw the Rossman's apartment I shit my pants. Just so you understand, I'm not talking all metaphysically and all, I really did shit my pants. It's an involuntary human reaction to pure fear. If forced to see it again I can almost guarantee you that I would still need a clean pair of BVDs after the experience.

Not only does his whole place smell like old cheese and moldy yeast (and thanks to Kuni, urine), but it's a horrible sight too. That one time that Kandishi, the Indian exchange student, crashed at the Rossman's place after "Keg Stand Night" at The Transmetropolitan and suddenly woke up only to believe that he had somehow fallen into the Christian embodiment of HELL was a night I'll never forget. He awoke in the middle of the night screaming like a Hindu pussy after a pile of empty cans and bottles fell on him and almost smothered him. Then he got tangled up in that moist/moldy blanket that the Rossman never washes (and makes all his guests use) and he started yelling that he didn't "want to go back inside the womb" or sumtin'. After the Rossman cut him free and shone a flashlight in his own face Kandishi ran for the door in a state of total panic only to trip over a moist (thinking about it, most of the things in the Rossman's place can be described as "moist") box of used Playboys, and fell head first though the picture-window and three stories to his doom.

Of course we told the cops that he was part of the Al-Sharona terrorist network and was looking for American pornography to send back to his bad guy friends in Iraq, so instead of going to jail we got a parade. God bless America!!

The Rossman's Sublease Flyer should burn in a fiery volcano for lying like a cheap whore on a cheap rug. I give it a massive thumbs down and hope that there is no connection to me and that 12 pack of PBR that I left next to his hot water heater ever to be found.
Oh yeah, and the Bannisters never "moved to Europe" as the Rossman puts it. From what I hear they testified against him in court this one time a few months ago, but their testimonies were thrown out when it was revealed that Mrs. Bannister had a steamy affair with the Rossman that lasted 12 minutes last October. They then started their own "relocation program" and hit the road without leaving a trace of their former lives behind for the Rossman or Robot Pedro to follow. That's when the Rossman and his big gay robot started squatting in their old house.... Goddammit! Why can't I ever be that lucky!

Kuni sucks.  Did you want more?
The Subhuman KUNI

Kuni sees the many lies said by the Rossman in the apartment paper at the bus stop. All of it is the evil! Kuni is forced to burning the papers after many peoples are trying to be reading the lies! That is evil, fuck.

Is the Rossman said the parts about Kuni starting the fires in the Rossman apartment? No! How about many times of the vomit in the rugs? Kuni went vomiting in Rossman rugs around one or two times a week when it is chosen. Kuni said that the vomit on the sofa was from the robot, but I will tell you now that lies are true sometimes with Kuni also.

Also, Kuni has to ask you to guess of the many dead animals that hide in the closets? You may say your guess on the number of the bugs that eat the animals in the Rossman closet for me too. Is there blood in the closet animals? NO! The blood in the closets is not there! They are mummies! The evil closet mummies are being told to be killing the Rossman when it is after 2AM. Soon.

Kuni says, "Hey Rossman bitch fucker! Why is your apartment paper lies?" The Rossman says, "Kuni eats cocks of the male horse in bed." The Rossman lies again!!! Kuni only is eats the female horse cocks. Never mens! Do you want more lying? Read the Rossman apartment paper. "Nice place to be living" is all lying. When the Rossman is dead, then no more lying.

How much badness in the Rossman world is this paper? Kuni says minus 5 Kunis. That is more evil than Hitler baby with gay Al Gore. That is EVIL baby. Apartment lies is WORSE!!!