Las Vegas

The Glitzy ROSSMAN

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Las Vegas. Visions of Wayne Newton. Elvis. Gay white tigers. Flushing money down the shitter. Sherryl Crow... She sang "Leaving Las Vegas". But I digress.

I know that they call New York the "city that never sleeps", but that's mostly due to worrying about terrorists now. Nowhere in NY can you go gambling, get married, eat a $7 steak and lobster buffet, lose your life savings, see an expensive show and get divorced all at 4 in the morning and all at the same time. That's the Vegas magic, baby! Anything you've ever wanted to do you can do in Las Vegas. Yeah, it may not be legal, but you can still do it and barely anybody would even look twice. You might even get applause from those who do.

The food is incredible (if you go to the right places). The sites are papercut-to-the-eyeball unbelievable (if you know where to look)! And the gambling is out and out hyper-hysterical (if you like to blow wads of cash in a matter of minutes). Though it's that last thing that makes me start to wonder about human civilization as a whole.

You see, Vegas is a city of dreams. 99.99999% of the people who go there believe that they deserve to win (and WILL win) a million bucks before they go home. The other 0.00001% arrived as millionaires and proceeded to crap their mullah away in the course of one night's drunken blackjack game. What these morons don't realize is that dreams are NOT reality. Yeah, it's good to think that you could somehow win $1million for doing nothing but looking at a row of dealt cards or by pulling the arm of a slot machine... whatever keeps you from hanging yourself because you live in a shithole in the ghetto and work behind the counter of a McDonald's at age 55. But to sink your hard earned $4.25 an hour savings on that total unreality is dumber than Jimmy Jammer when he thinks that telling women that he has a 3-inch wang is a good thing.

I watched first hand as hundreds of people (rich, and poor & stupid alike) wagered more than they could spare on a roll of the dice or the spin of the dollar slots. That's anywhere from a dollar to $20,000 on less than a second of hope, and an eternity of feeling like a dipshit.

I never understood this "addiction". How do people get a high out of throwing money away? Eh, like I give a shite. I personally just had fun watching those schlongs while I ate my 16oz. New York Strips, ice cream buffets, fancy Chinese Foods, cakes and pies, and drank my $1 a bottle beers. At least I have happy memories of the money I spent in Sin City. And a gut to last me about 2 months.

What did I think of Las Vegas? I would have to give the City of Neon a good Rossman thumbs up. It was a sight to see. Everything was 10Xs the size that it would be in any other city. Plus there was lots of "classy" shows with nekkid women to watch and enjoy. I also did win $50 myself, but that's a story for another repetitive article.

The Sinful WOLFMAN

Elvis said it best before... Back when he was blimpy, out of shape, hepped up on drugs and wearing that dazzling and sparkly jumpsuit: "Viva Las Vegas!" I don't know what it means, but he probably meant to say "Fuck you, Las Vegas!!"

Dammit! I put aside $300 to spend on that trip and it was gone within 10.34 minutes of stepping into the casino in the lobby of the hotel. That bitch behind the table said that "the next hand" was going to be the Wolfman's "lucky chance". S'matter of fact they all kept saying that. But you know what? It was a frickin' lie! The Wolfman don't like no lies.

Shit. Anyway, other than that "gambling problem" where I had to put a second and then third mortgage out on the Wolfman Homestead, I enjoyed the damn city. Did you know that there are nudie dance shows in every hotel?! Now that's the good life that I'm sure them city folk live all the time. Plus there's lots of steak to eat. LOTS. Every huge hotel/casino apparently has to have 6 or more slaughter houses just to supply all the cow that they serve. Do we raise cattle on Mars now? Where the hell does it all come from?! Steak and eggs, steak buffet, steak and lobster, steak ala steak, triple porterhouse steak appetizers, and the Wolfman's favorite, steak on top of an entire charred cow corpse. And that was just on the first day.

I think after careful consideration the Wolfman has to give some evil props to the architects of "the strip" too. Sure, some hotels were beyond the cheese factor... I'm looking at you, Excalibur! But for the most part they were reeeeeeeal nice and perty. Some, like the MGM Grand even had a huge 300 foot television screen out front on which they'd show ads for their La Femme nudie show every 2 minutes. How's that for service?

One other thing that sucked the shit out of a dog's anus was the walking. My feet were bleeding after the first goddamn day! Everything is so Oprah-like large that it fools you into thinking that the next hotel is right around the bend, when it's really about 3 miles away. If only the hotels would comp you with midgets to sit on and carry you around town whenever you lose several hundred thousand dollars at their betting tables from hell... In the end all I got for my losses was a complimentary pen with a woman on it whose clothes come off when you tilt it.... and the Rossman broke that from overuse in only 4 minutes.

I suppose that the Wolfman has no choice but to give the almighty city in the desert a 3 and 1/10 Eternal Fires of Damnation out of 5. It truly is a "Sin City", but when it sins against me I tend to take it personally and start fires. Too bad I couldn't find any matches.

SATAN

"Sin City" my ass! Yeah, maybe back in the golden days when Vegas was still run by the good ol' mobsters. That was kind of sinful. But today the whole strip is just one mega-Di$ney-esque hotel and casino after another. Each of them is trying to out do the other in becoming bigger, flashier, more obnoxious and more kid friendly than the previous. Even the legalized whore houses have daycare centers set up in them! That's not evil, that's scary! And when something scares me then you know it's bad... but not in an evil way. Which makes it even worse.

It just irks me sometimes when I think of the potential that Vegas had. Yeah, it still might become a new Sodom and Gomorrah some day, but I won't hold my breath. The town's becoming twisted, but there's still no advertised live beastiality shows or anything (that was the final straw that brought all that fire and brimstone down upon S&G way back when). Well, at least none that I saw. And if there were any I'm sure that kids are 1/2 price and get a free soda with their admission.

One Thumb up, One Thumb down....... What potential. What waste. Yeah, I am disappointed in Las Vegas, but at least thousands of people a day lose their children's college funds while playing poker and boozing it up.