Band of Brothers

The "Damn the Torpedoes!"
ROSSMAN

World War Two. Dubbya dubbya eye eye. The big one. The WAR to end all wars. The fight against dickhead fascist imperialists. And, the war with more movies made about it than any other prequel or sequel-war before or since. Hell, I think it's the only war with a situation comedy based on it (the ever glorious Hogan's Heroes)... No, wait, I forgot about Black Adder Goes Forth*. But Colonel Hogan could kick Captain Blackadder's ass any day of the week, and even Colonel Klink would applaud and say, "Very well done, Colonel Hogan, diiiiiiiiismissed!" While Sergeant Schultz ran around claiming that he "knoooooows noooooothing!" Bwa ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha!! Ohhhhhhh. Hmmmmmmmmmm.... Oops! Sorry, I can fall into Hogan inspired daydreams at the drop of a pointed Nazi hat. Where was I? That's right, WWII and film. Recently that anti-Nazi campaign in Europe and anti-Jap naval wargame in the Pacific back in the rockin' 1940s have been making a comeback on the big screen. In the past few years we've had Shaving Ryan's Privates, Windtalkers, The Thin Red Line, Platoon, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (well, it didn't revolve around WWII, but it did have Napoleon in it) all come to theaters near us. And in 2001 HBO released what is probably the greatest war story ever filmed, Band of Brothers.

Now, here comes my main problem with this mini-series: I can't review it in a proper Rossman review style. It's a great story with incredible production values, but it's about the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division, aka Easy Company. A real platoon of soldiers who lived and died for what they believed in. Now, I may be a heartless sumabitch and all that, but even I can't make fun of those men or their incredible (and death-filled) tale. They, and their fellow divisions, did way too much for us and suffered ghastly abominations (that not even film can capture properly) in order to literally save the world.

So what's a boy to do? Since I can't make light of Easy Company's valiant acts, terrible situations and brave sacrifices, I figured I'd take a look at the German side of things. Those complete Nazi bastards! Fucking puppy-raping, shit-licking, cock-munching ass pirates! What the fuck was up with them?

Okay, I get it, Hitler was a giant ass. His Gestapo SS Shock Stormtrooper Brigade liked to touch fluffy bunny rabbits in places that their bathing suits covered. They were evil. Once more, I get it. What I don't understand is how an entire nation actually ended up following them. Yeah, Mr. Hilter was a good speech giving guy. But that gave him the power to convince several million lemmings that killing off an entire culture and peoples (i.e. the Jews) was a good thing? Riiiiiiiight. There had to be something else there. Like, maybe Hitler took the lovable German mascot, Beaky the Nipple-Biting Falcon, hostage and told the populace that Beaky would live only if they allowed the culling of all the bankers and Jew-controlled media in the country.... And the destruction of Poland. I just don't get it.

Also, is it really true that Hitler was an incest-loving fag with one testicle? And didn't his beloved dog once give birth to a litter of pups with mustaches and swastika armbands? And what about his body, wasn't that cloned for bad sci-fi movies in the 50s and 60s and then porn in the 70s and 80s? I hear stories but nobody ever confirms or denies them.

And man, don't even get me started on those Imperialistic bondage-infatuated Japs who nuked Pearl Harbor! If I could go back in time I would go up to every soldier in the Japanese army and give them all copies of Jenny McCarthy's centerfold from her 1993 Playboy shoot and then tell them that "Big breasted American girl want to sucky sucky small cocked Japanese man long time with super mega awesome tongue of lust!" Then we'll see just how many of those assfucks want to crash a plane into an aircraft carrier while screaming "Bonzai!". I bet we'd win the war in like 2 days if all those hard up pantywaists thought they could get some sweet, blonde American tail if they switched sides.

Anyway, back to the Germans... Below are some images that I snatched off of some pro-Nazi site to prove my point. Nazis fuck their sisters. Goodnight everybody!!

Here's a typical Nazi SS fester-fucker in action. In a second he'll put the barrel in his mouth and bite down (thinking it's an uberpenis) and blow his head clean off.

"Master Race" my ass! This is how most Nazis are born. Like the shit monster from the movie Dogma, they are made from human excrement.

What did I think of Band of Brothers? It was the greatest war movie/mini-series/real life hellhole I've ever bore witness too. Incredible, but hard to take in at the same time. Just don't get too attached to any one soldier in Easy Company, as they had one of the highest casualty rates in any American platoon in the war. I give it a 7 out of 7 Star Spangled Stars of Rossman Patriotism. Go rent it or buy it now. That is all.

*Yeah, I know that MASH was insanely popular for some gay reason, and that it was based upon the Korean War, but both MASH and the Korean War sucked, so that's why they don't count.

Trigger Happy ROBOT PEDRO

Answer me this, inferior hu-mans: Who are we to judge the Nazis of the country that you presently know as "Germany"? Yes, they killed a lot of people. Big fucking deal. Who hasn't? But I can assure you that they have never once killed or even harmed a robot. There-in lies my devotion to them. And before you fleshbags start to verbally or physically assault me by claiming that "there were no robots" back in the 1940s, I must correct you. It is a widely known fact in my time that the Germans constructed the first robot ever, known as Hitlerbot 2000.

Hitlerbot 2000 was a crudely constructed being, but he made up for his inability to walk, talk, and not-rust by being a total A-hole. He was armed with a Luger in his one operating hand, and then he was aimed at passers by. His maximum range of movement was one degree up and down and 2 degrees left and right with his right arm. But he did not seem to mind. He was just happy that he was a machine of death. Granted, his aim was so bad that the only thing he ever shot was a German Colonel in the leg, but Hitlerbot 2000 thought that that simple moment made his life complete. Unfortunately the Hitlerbot 2000 suffered a horrible fate as the World War II wound down. The Ruskies found him in the fuher's bunker and shot him 27 times in his cinderblock head before dismantling him and turning him into a commie public toilet bowl. Even though I cannot be sure of it, my friend, Robot Piotr claims that he was created by ancient robot parts scavenged from the once glorious Robot master-Nazi himself. Can this possibly be true? Well, Robot Dick is known to have been created with some genetic encoding taken from the ever faggy Richard Simmons' bloated corpse, so I suppose that anything is possible.

I will give this hu-man Band of Brothers TV show a robotic thumbs down. Yes, lots of anti-Nazi humans had their lives ended in showers of bullets and shrapnel, but so did many evil Germans. I say, if you are going to make a show about a horrible event such as World War II, at least change the outcome to make robots like me happy. Let the Nazis win for once!

Note From the Rossman: This is why Robot Pedro must die.

The Stingy SKIPPER

Arrrrrrrrrr. I fought in the big one meself. 'Twas a very harrowing experience... "Harrowing" means "filled with whores", right?

Oh my god! I was captured by the Evil Nazi S(uper) S(chlampae) Deathsquad of Hookers early on in my military career, and suffered the bends on many a terrible occasion as they forced me to act in schiissä movie after suppository filled schiissä movie without one drink of whiskey or a paycheck! Arrrrrrrr, those days made me the man I am today!

After the bunker that I was filming "Schultz Digs a Trench" got bombed by some goddamn British plane, and all my sexy German costars were turned into meat patties, I decided to join the war in the Pacific for some good old fashioned Asian poontang. Arrrrrrr, good times, good times. I managed to sneak my way into Tokyo for some demolition missions, but instead found another calling in the upcoming craze of bondage-bukkake movies. What a refreshing concept! Leave it to those nips to come up with a porno that degrades both the women and the me-... no, wait a minute. BB Movies mostly only degrade the women and the farm animals. The men end up looking even more manly. Arrrrr... Bukkake.... Arrrrrrrrrr

What the hell was I supposed to be reviewing?! A band? Blow me whale dork! The Skipper only likes music that accompanies his love-movies. If it sounds cheesier than the Three's Company opening song and keeps a beat with my beating off on some chink-girl with a faceful of this seaman's semen, then that is all I ever need to be listening to. Arrrrrrr.