So you're tired of being eaten alive and killed by the legions of the night. You're sick of being Satan's punching bag. You're ready to start killing back. You are ready to begin slaughtering monsters. Fuck them in their ears!

The problem is that there are literally TONS of different kinds of monsters that you have to fear. Some are large, some medium size, and some tiny. So, I will help you through by giving you pointers on how to destroy all the various types of monsters you might encounter. You can then decide which of these you'd like to make dead(er), and then visit your nearest Wal-Mart and buy all the chainsaws, shotguns and shovels you need for the task.

Always remember though, all monsters are dicks. They all want to hurt or kill normals because that is something they can never be again (It's very Freudian). If you can, avoid monsters at all cost. If you have no choice in the matter, and are confronted by a monster, run. Run away screaming like a little girl who just wet herself because of a barking puppy dog. If you have no option but to fight a monster, that is what this page is all about. Good luck, citizen.

Kinds of Monsters to Kill...

Vampires
What they are -- Vampires are probably one of the scariest kinds of monsters out there. Vampires are dead and damned creatures of the night. They live (well, you know what I mean) off of the blood of the living by biting people and animals with their long fangs. This is bad for you if you are alive, because this bite then turns you into a living dead vampire too. It seems to be some sort of parasite, similar in nature to the ebola virus, but with a pinch of the gay AIDs thrown in to really make it annoying.... Or it could be some kind of faggy, cancer magic. Vampires are as smart as normal humans (well, I guess that doesn't say much, but some of the older ones are very intelligent and wise, unless they were hippie, retard liberals before they were made undead), and they are pretty strong too. Being damned is the shortcut to working out. Vampires also can "sense" things that normals can't. They can sense fear, they can sense the presence of somebody hiding in the closet who wants to stick a wooden stake in their heart, and they can sense virgins. I mean, wow! I can't even do that and I live in a college town.

Vampires can sometimes change their form into things like bats, wolves and mist (?). Yeah, that mist thing is pretty gay, but think about it: wouldn't a vampire technically be able to "explode" you if you breathed his fog in and then he transformed back into his man-form? I'll let you experiment with that one if you wish. I'll just hold my breath if one ever tries. Though I can't imagine it would be anything close to pleasant for the vampire himself to attempt it, so you're probably safe from such an attack... Unless you really pissed him off by saying that his mother only likes to suck blood from the dorsal vein of dog penises. That would be pretty low, even for a reader of my site. Anyway, vampires can also hypnotize stupid people who look them in their eyes. This is kind of like the Jedi mind trick, but vampires mean business. They won't just make you repeat stuff they say when they get into your brain, they'll make you get naked (if you're a busty, hot redhead), and do jumping jacks before they suck your blood out of your enormous tits... At least that's what I would do if I were a vampire. Anybody want to take me up on this?

Now, vampires come in two general packages: old, craggy, Dracula and nosferatu-like ones; and hot, nubile, and busty chick-like ones. The old, scary men vampires are easy to spot and avoid. They're creepy and they really stick out in a crowd, especially with their giant, red capes and slicked back hair; or bald heads, pointy ears and beady little eyes. It's the hot chick vampires that you truly have to look out for. You'll be partying at some dance club, thinking you're hot shit and that you can groove with the best of the retarded clubbers, when all of a sudden some gorgeous, fuckable piece of ass approaches you and starts feeling you up in the middle of the dance floor. Oh MAN! She's just so hot! And you're like, "There's no way I'm this lucky... But what the fuck, why not." Then you sneak her off to the coat check room (?) or some dark, back alley for a quick snoggin' or a shaggin', when all of a sudden she pulls out a coc--...... ummmm, I mean she shows you her "game face," complete with 3 inch fangs and yellow eyes and shit, and you're like "Whooooa! No way baby! If your eyes are glowing, there's no way I'm jumping into you without a parachute." Then the bitch rapes you.. Uh, I mean bites you and sucks you dry. Goddamn fucking Dill! I'm going to sue the shit out of that fucking club!!!

How to kill them -- There are a few good ways to kill vampires, but most require close proximity to the monster, which sucks donkey balls because of the whole "they drink your blood" thing. Wooden stakes through their non-beating hearts are the best way to kill them again (for good). You can also decapitate one with a sword or a chainsaw or something. Get creative. Vampires are weak against garlic (who isn't?), silver, holy water and other Christian jinxes and trinkets. So get yourself a Jesus-on-a-tree necklace if you plan on facing one. Have a non-pedofile priest bless your crucifix necklace for bonus points. Remember, you don't fuck with the Jesus.

Sunlight kills the shit out of vampires better than wooden stakes. The problem is that most vampires aren't stupid, and know when the sun comes up, so tricking one into staying in a window-filled room or outside till breakfast time may be difficult. A good way to kill a vampire without getting near him is to shoot the bloody fucker with a wooden arrow from a distance. He can't hypnotize you from more than a few feet away, and he definitely can't bite you. You've got to be right on target though, cause if you miss his black heart, he'll more than likely just run the fuck away in order to suck another day. Vampires are fast! Think of how Benny Hill used to run when a mob of angry people was after his tubby ass for peeping in on a women's locker room. The usual vampire can run that fast. Vampires can also be killed by big explosions. You'll find that blowing shit up is probably the best way to kill most monsters that you might come across.

One problem with killing vampires is that sometimes faggy, living humans dress up as vampires for "fun." I can't explain it, and more than likely they can't either, but that doesn't make it any less gay. Where this might get you in trouble though is if you think you've found a vampire, and you stab the fucker in the heart, but then find that he doesn't turn into a puff of smoke and dust (like normal undead creeps do). Instead, you now have a dead retard on a stick with your fingerprints all over him. Depending on how much of a freak the pseudo-vampire was in real life, the police may just let you off with a simple warning. But if the wannabe-vampire had family or friends (unlikely, but still possible), you may be in for a drawn out court battle. Always test to see if your soon-to-be-victim is truly a vampire by kicking him in the nads (if the being in question is a guy), or by fondling her titties (if the being in question is a girl). Male vampires have no feeling in the baby-batter-sack, and they will just shake the attack off, in which case you then stake the shit out of them. A living male-goth-freak will just crumple in pain. As for female vampires, I have no idea if fondling their tits will prove if they are a vampire or not, but it couldn't hurt.

Werewolves/Wolfmen
What they are -- Werewolves and wolfmen are two different types of monsters, but I'll clump them together here because they're both more dog-like than normals. Werewolves are creatures that look like giant wolves, or like giant wolves that walk upright and have hands. Big, scary, claw-ful hands that can rip off your face or gently massage your ass, depending on if you are a man or a hot woman. Wolfmen, on the other hand, are just some poor schmucks who look like they have that unfortunate disease that causes hair to grow on a person's forehead and nose. Wolfmen are not too menacing. The worst thing about them is that looking at one makes you want to comb its cheeks.

Wolfpeople are usually fairly normal individuals during the day and on nights without full moons ("fairly normal" meaning they aren't covered in fur and they don't want to eat you). Why do full moons cause them to turn all hideous and unsexy?.... The tides? I don't know, but that probably means that they don't know either, which probably pisses them off even more than simply being forced to transform into a wolf-thing. So DO NOT TAUNT any wolfpeople over their predicament if you ever get cornered by one. They're probably mad enough as it is about not being able to get any real poon tang 3-4 nights each month, they don't need your normal-self pointing out their shortcomings.

Like vampires, wolf creatures multiply by infecting normals through a bite. This leads me to believe that their bites contain some sort of "undead" or lycanthropic bacteria. If you are bitten by a vampire or a wolf thing, you may still have time to get yourself to a doctor and get a shot of penicillin.

How to kill them -- Both werewolves and wolfmen need the full moon to transform into their beastly forms. So, if possible, kill them during the day or on non-full moon nights when they are human. You may have some explaining to do to the authorities when you kill a human, but since werewolves and wolfmen transform back into their human shapes when they are killed anyway, you'll always have a body on your hands if you kill one. Yikes! Try to plan ahead and have a shallow grave already dug so that you can quickly dispose of the wolfy one's corpse. If you have to kill a wolf-thing while he/she is in their wolf-body, use silver. Silver bullets, silver stakes, silverware... Whatever you can get your hands on. Just don't be fooled into buying anything pewter though. My God was that an embarrassing night! I kept stabbing that hairy fucker over and over and over again for like 5 minutes with that butter knife, but he just kept coming. That's when I called up my grandma and asked if her antique silverware wasn't just cheap shit made in Taiwan (turns out it was Mexico). Thanks, grandma... Thanks a whooole lot.

Decapitation and explosions work on wolf-things as well. The only problem is that wolfmen and werewolves are usually pretty feral and have the reflexes of animals. Try lopping off the head of a dingo with rabies -- Damn near impossible. You might want to try playing "fetch" with a werewolf or a wolfman, but instead of a stick or a frisbee, use a live grenade or lit dynamite. Wild creatures are stupid. This same tactic almost worked on Jimmy Jammer (after he slid across the hood of my car while wearing "gangsta chains" and other assorted gay "bling"), and he's just barely smarter than my sister's dog. An excited cursed-wolf-creature would probably go for it hook, line, sinker and "Boom."

Zombies and Mummies
What they are -- Zombies and mummies are pretty much the same thing, except one looks like he bathed in Draino in order to remove half of his rotting flesh, and the other is in bandages and had all his internal organs removed before being laid to rest. Both zombies and mummies are evil, damnable, undead creatures who limp around looking for normals to kill. Zombies tend to eat their live, normal prey (mostly people's brains for some reason that I don't understand [grey matter isn't that delicious, and brains never seem to make zombies any smarter than they already are]), and mummies are usually just out to kill stupid people who broke into their graves.

Zombies usually work in packs, but mummies are loners. Zombies are stupid creatures who have trouble figuring out "stairs" and "doorknobs," but mummies (despite the fact that they don't have brains) can usually figure out complex problems and solutions using the alignment of the stars and some sort of advanced calculus. Mummies usually make their prey look stupid because they themselves are intelligent, but zombie prey ends up looking even stupider because apparently seeing a zombie always makes people do the stupidest things possible in order to get caught (Example: If zombies attack a neighborhood and start killing normals left and right, there will always be a few incredibly stupid fucks who, after already making it safely to their car or panic room, insist upon emerging from their safety to save either their cat [who will survive anyway] or their neighbor [who is already moaning in pain from already being eaten by a zombie]). The good news about this is that when these stupid assfuckers get bitten and eaten by zombies themselves, they will become even dumber zombies, and thusly give regular and smart normals more time to escape.

Zombie epidemics usually occur after the government fucks up a chemical weapons test, or when a funky meteor crashes into the planet. Then all the dead people in the area claw out of their graves and start attacking the living. Zombie bites kill normals and then resurrect them as zombies after they rot a bit. Mummies usually just kill their victims. Although if a zombie epidemic is going on when a mummy kills somebody, does that person come back as a zombie too? What if a person is bitten by a wolf-creature or a vampire during a zombie outbreak, do they become zombies or vampires or werewolves... or a mix? This may take more research.

There are two kinds of zombies. Regular, slow, leg-dragging zombies, and super-fast zombies. Both are stupid and can't figure out how to throw a rock through a window or talk more than two words (usually "eat" and "brains"), but the super-fast zombies are 30Xs scarier than the regular type. The difference between the two is like this: You either see the hoard of zombies coming from 2 miles away, and you have about 6 hours to prepare your evacuation of the area, pack the car, lock the door, and leave food out for Fluffy; Or, you see the hoard of zombies coming from 2 miles away, and --- You're dead because they got to you before you could tell your wife, "Dear, there's zombies a'comin'."

Mummies like to sneak up on you from out of the shadows. It's easy to avoid being mummy-prey though: Don't enter any pyramids or Egyptian (or Aztec) tombs. But if you are forced to enter one, make sure you are the last to enter, and make sure that your exploring/grave robbing companions take some loot but you don't.... Come to think of it, mummies and zombies have pretty much zero in common with each other. Whatever.

How to kill them -- Zombies are relatively easy to kill, the problem with them is that they swarm. You kill one, you have to kill 50. Considering it takes a bullet to the brain to kill one, that's a lot of ammo you need to be carrying. Also, if your neighborhood is infested with zombies, pretty soon the whole town will be infested, and then the only way to kill them all for good is to nuke the place. Your first reaction to a zombie attack should be to flee. Remember, it just takes one little nip or scrape on some exposed flesh and within hours you're a soul-be-damned zombie too. You can easily decapitate zombies, but be careful, they are still able to move around and bite as just a zombie head. Zombie heads are probably scarier than full zombies because they can fit in small and tight spaces. You'd be at home, thinking you were safe in your locked house from the zombie hoards outside, when you open the fridge to get a beer when ZOMBIE HEAD pops out and bites your ankle. You're fucked man. Just blow your brains out before the flesh-lust hits. You are so fucked.

Mummies are pretty much immortal... for being dead already I mean. You can shoot the shit out of them, set them on fire, stab them and even try to drown them, but they'll keep coming. Mummies don't need any internal organs to keep them running. They are pretty much a supernatural entity with a mind set on vengeance (for disturbing their tomb and eternal rest). You might try the "nuke tactic" on them and see if that works, but that's a lot of effort for just one monster. Also, if you set the bomb off near their tomb you risk melting or vaporizing the mummy's glorious treasure (the treasure being the only real reason anybody would ever even want to tangle with a tortured soul wrapped in TP). So weigh your pros and cons before detonation.