Searchin' Sin-City for the Seven Deadlies
page IV

I needed a rest after examining 5 Deadly Sins in a row, so the Wolfman and I decided to buck up, kick back and chow down at Blackstone's Steakhouse. Holy crap!... The 20ounce NY Strip Steak that I got there was the best hunk of cow I had ever eaten in my entire life! It was rare, but nice and hot and melty. And the potato was beyond uberlicious too! Then for dessert I sampled this chocolate mousse-themed platter with a mini pillar of milk chocolate and a chocolate cookie made by God's cookie chef himself. After all that I still had to have more. I hit a Haagen Dazs next and got a triple cookie dough scoop in a waffle cone. Then, still not 100% satisfied, I made a mad dash for the Monte Carlo's buffet and scoffed down a buttload of buttery lobster tails, meaty fillet mignons and gooey eclairs for my final dessert of the night. As I rolled myself to my room I realized that I had found my 6th sin: GLUTTONY. And it felt good, in a very painful sort of way.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's EVIL!!!!I agree. The whole "Austin Powers is funny" thing wore thin a long time ago. Everything 'Austin' is now stupid and lame. Especially the city.

Here you can see me coming face to face with Evil in its simplest form. And no, that was not a funny pun made in honor of Dr. Evil. I just meant that this Austin Powers Groovy Slot Machine from Hell was not nice. Even though it was an inanimate object I still believe that it was breaking at least 4 of the 7 Deadly Sins by just standing there. In fact, it caused WRATH to seethe through me one last time and it forced me to hack it up into a few hundred thousand pieces of metal and plastic care of that "in case of fire" hatchet I found behind the change-desk. The way that the Wolfman and I break into WRATH so easily you'd think we'd been zapped with Gamma Radiation or something. Kooky.

Even though I wasn't the most gluttonous person in Vegas (that award goes to that fatty who ate the elephant and the 12,000 other mu-mu wearing chunker tourists who tied her), I felt pretty sinful myself. I was so full and puffy for the next few days that I allowed SLOTH to interrupt my life. And that felt very good. Lazy, but good. I had the Wolfman piggy back me wherever we needed to go for two days after my gorging, and I never moved a muscle from the spots where he'd drop my sorry ass to go do his lycanthropic misdeeds. I'd just lay down and smile a content and idle smile and enjoy the view of whatever it was my head was pointed at. It truly felt as if I was a full-fledged teamster.

s......l........o.............t...............h..................To the left is SLOTH at unwork.......... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... .......................................................

In the end I did get to see all 7 of the Deadly Sins in Las Vegas, unfortunately most were sinned by me and the Wolf. Unfortunately for everyone around us I mean. We had a blast! If you plan to hit Sin-City any time in your life I highly recommend that you just go with the flow and immerse yourself in the entire sinny subculture. That's why the town was built in the first place!... Well, in the first place I guess it was really built to suck up the stupid vacationer's wallet, but I'm positive that the founding fathers had intended for the town to be an evil nest of soul-damning as a secondary source of revenue (I'm sure the Devil cuts the casino owners in on the part of Hell's population that they helped secure).

So, should you go checkout the satanic city in the sand? Both the Wolfman and I agree that the answer should be "That depends." It depends on if you're an annoying goody-goody who likes to kiss God's ass and condemn people who like to have a little fun in their lives. If you go to church every Sunday and "pray for the souls of the Lord's wayward chillun," then NO, do not go to Vegas for any reason at all (even for dentists' conventions). You will just try to ruin the city for the rest of us. I know how you bastards think. And then nobody will be happy.

If, however, you enjoy debauchery and kinky lifestyles including, but not limited to: naked boobies; rivers of alcohol; miles of buffet lines; and sites of such extravagance that they will likely cause you to scratch your head in mild to medium shock... Then come on down!

Damn, the Vegas Tourist board should give me a good commission for this article... And there's one last example of GREED.

Snake would be so proud.When all was said and done I felt a little lonely. Yes, all of the Seven Deadlies were found in Vegas... Big surprise. After living through all of them in just a matter of days I was bored. But then a great idea hit me like Fujisawa's fist of justice: On the way home I would continue my sinfest and break all 10 of the Commandments!

I worshiped alcohol as my new god. I said "Jeezus Keerist!" over and over again till I was blue in the face. I skipped mass on Sunday to play mini golf with a whore who handicapped a 2 for the course. I made fun of my parents (not to their faces, my dad would run me over with his truck if I did that). I killed an annoying old person on the bus to the airport. I helped some hot young housewife aldulterate in the back of the bus as we pulled up to the airport gates. I then stole the bus and drove it over the Hoover Dam (that last part was an accident). I lied just then, I meant to do it. Then I coveted my neighbor's house, wife, goods and DVD collection when I got back to my home.

It took a lot out of me, but in the end it was worth it... Sure.

EDITOR's NOTES: This proves it. The Rossman is going to hell. I'd be fine with that and all, but unfortunately my helping him with this site probably condemned me too. Does that suck or what. But I guess you understand how I feel... Since your reading this page also damned your eternal soul. I just hope that my unending hell does not include bunking with the Rossman till the end of time. Although, if I'm already in hell I suppose that I couldn't get in any more trouble for strangling him with the bedsheets or smothering him with a pillow.

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