Berserk

The Berserker ROSSMAN

Years ago, when Berserk first got fansubbed and brought to our college club's attention, the Chief and all his subordinates hailed it as the second coming of Jesus Christ himself... Except 30-times more violent and asskicking. The Megaplayboy and I just scoffed at those fools though. We sat through the first 5 episodes of it and were kind of scared that there were no less than 4 male nude scenes, 3 talks of one man saying that he "wanted" or "needed" another man, and one pissed off dyke in a faggy man's world. We never let them hear the end of it.

Anyway, years passed and the Chief was still adamant that Berserk was almost as good as Giant Robo (I know, I know... That's a tough load to swallow, but I was well aware of how the Chief perceived Robo. He actually thought that God himself animated it.) So even though I thought it was all bullhonky, I knew that the Chief wouldn't blaspheme against such a holy series like GR. So I decided to give Berserk another gay shot.

Now that I've seen it all the way from beginning to end all that I can say is, "I WANT MORE." I need to know what the fuck happens next! Holy sphincter-raiders, that was a shitty way to cliff hang the viewers! Honestly though, even if the ending was clean-cut and perfect, I'd still want more. The way the story was laid out and told was like having sex with a blow up doll that has a hermit crab with an evil temper hiding inside one of the holes: Fulfilling, yet very bloody... Or something like that.

The whole thing starts off near the end. We meet a very large and very pissed off man named Gatsu (or "Guts", or "Gatts"... or whatever) with a 7 foot long sword, as he's hunting down some supposedly evil and powerful guy named Griffith. Gatsu isn't taking any shit from anybody as he simply wanders into a dark town and begins slicing miscreants in halves and quarters all over the damn place. Then he kills a giant snake man (I'm guessing it's more symbolism). Then we jump back in time a few years to when Gatsu was just a young merc just trying to make his way in the violent medieval world of wherever and whenever the hell it's supposed to be. I suck with time and geography, so it could have been last week in Australia for all I know. But I digress.

Gatsu is just minding his own business when he's attacked by a small army who's leader is attempting to fulfill his dreams of becoming a king someday. The leader is a man named Griffith (duh-duh-DUUUUUH!), and his number 1 commander is a hot, almost-lesbian chickie named Caska (or "Casket"... once again, whatever). Griffith takes Gatsu down a notch and throws some not too subtle gay offers at our protagonist while he forces/enlists him into his ranks. This pisses off Caska and the whole damn motley crew (of whom Gatsu just maimed or killed a few members of).

Well, I hate telling the whole plot of the show that I'm reviewing, so I'll just stop there and let you wonder how things turn out. Honestly, I was kept guessing the whole time. There were some huge plot twists that had me completely blown away (no gay pun intended). The characters are very 3-dimensional and their actions have very real reactions in their world. Little things that happen early on become huge matters with which they have to deal with later on in their lives. Plus Berserk brings up the question of "What are your dreams worth?" Should you really try to attain your dreams if it means that you might fuck up everything else that you already have? And most importantly, Berserk made me wonder just how humongously homosexual the director was. Honestly, the whole "giant sword" phallic symbol not withstanding, the faggy sexual tension that ran between a bunch of the soldiers in this series was scarily palpable. Once we found out for certain that Gatsu was 100% hetero-HeMan, I breathed a little easier knowing that there wasn't going to be any yaoi action going on before the final end credits rolled. Call me crazy, or tell me that I'm not very secure in my masculinity, but if I saw Gatsu and Zodd the Immortal going at it while Griffith watched in the corner with that annoying smirk on his face, I think I would have been scarred for life... Well, more scarred than I am right now.

What did I think of Berserk? In the end I find that I must give it a 7.75 out of 9 Giant Swords of Rossman Wonder. It was a helluva lot better than I originally thought it was going to be, but just not as "parting of the Red Sea" as the Chief kept going on about. It comes highly recommended from this Rossman though. I can't wait for series two now.

The Casket MEGAPLAYBOY

Holy cock-sucking television shows, Batman! Yowza! I saw the first few episodes of this gayfest years ago, and not even the Chief or the Rossman could get me to give it another chance today. Yo yo yo, listen... The Megaplayboy is not afraid of the cock, fool! In fact, my secret weapon is my bloody horse cock that I don't like to show off except at parties and other fine female-filled social gatherings.

The Megaplayboy will NOT, however, "whip it out" in the company of other men, unless one of them is directing the porno that I would obviously be in, G. You get me, Mr. fallywag dong-stroker? Just as long as we's all down wid dat.

Anyway, holmes, all I remember of this shiznit show is that there was this dude with a Ron Jeremy-sized sword killin' peeps and talkin' about finding some 'mo that he used to get it from or sometin'. That just ain't right, you know. So lots of people died and then some more shit happened, and then they met Zodd Nosferatu and things got really whack. That's when I said "Goddammit! I'm leavin' and I'm taking all my Debbie Does tapes with me!" And that was that.

I mean, the Megaplayboy is a pretty open fly-guy about lots of shi-att... But that albino guy just creeped me and the little Megaplayboy the fuck out! Whoa!!

That's a thumb down from me to Berserk, yo. Sucky sucky!

The Warrior Queen ANGRY AMY

I don't know what to kick the Rossman's ass for more... The fact that this show was the bloodiest hackfest I'd ever had the misfortune of seeing, or the fact that I was trapped under the Rossman's sofa for a full week with a dirty sock stuffed in my mouth that kept me from screaming for help.

Now, to be a bit more fair to that wank-rod, I was trapped by my own stupidity. See, I thought that the Rossman had stolen my vintage collection of My Little Pony dolls (Hey, they're valuable!!) and I snuck into his place late at night in order to try and find them. But as I was lifting up his sofa to check underneath it, a dirty (and unwashed for at least 3 years) sock fell on me and knocked me out better than any ether that I've ever taken. When I came to I was pinned under the couch. I couldn't move any part of my body and I was a bit dazed. All I could see was a pair of feet and the TV screen just a few feet away. Some gore-filled cartoon was on that put anything that Ralph Basci (sp?... Aw, who gives a shit) dishonored his family with to shame. After about an hour of consciousness I was finally able to scream again, but just as I began to really shriek, the Rossman stuffed the sock that had originally knocked me out into my mouth to muffle the cries of pain.... He will die by my hand one day... Make no mistake. And his death will be just as disturbing as the hundreds of people that that man with the big-dick sword did away with during the course of whatever it was we were watching.

In case you were wondering, I was stuck there for 7 full days and 16 hours. The Rossman claims that he thought I was only the neighbor's cat that likes to sneak into his place and piss under his sofa.... That just makes me even more mad because I know he never ever cleans his carpet. How much do ice-picks cost anyway?

Fuck this show and fuck the Rossman.

(Note from the Rossman: I think that's a thumbs down for Amy)