Combustible (Bakuen) Campus Guardress

The Combusted ROSSMAN

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, animation was made not for the purpose of selling little electric rat dolls, or video games, or porn. It was, in fact, made solely in order to make the viewer laugh. Laugh his/her ass off if you will. And the Queen of this laughing-man anime from long ago was Combustible Campus Guardress (fyi, the "King" was Prefectural Earth Defense Force, but that's a review for another day).

Made by the same crew that did Bastard!!, Combustible took the same character style, and the same "good guys/gals versus bad demons" basic plot, but then it revved the action and comedy (especially the comedy) to full throttle and just ran with it until the motor went dead and the vultures came, ate the carcass and then became super vultures who could kick any other carrion-eater's ass like nobody's business, except maybe that swarm from Michael Crichton's Prey, but those things were just bad ass... Seriously, I have no idea what that analogy meant, but Combustible is funny. One of the funniest OVAs ever made (then and now). I just find it very sad that crap like Final Fantasy Unlimited and Licensed By Royal gets picked up for Stateside release, but brilliant stuff like CCG never sees the light of day over here. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with American companies?! You guys market the ever living shit out of lame mung like SD Gundam, but let great things like Master Keaton get buried under panty shows on store shelves on their release date. I mean come on! Show some respect to the things that actually attempt to tell a story or entertain your consumers! And then you also gloss over most older stuff (even if said older stuff happens to be 25,084Xs better and funnier than anything that's been produced in the last 5 years) just because they're not as "shiny" as the newest CGI shit-show that just hit the airwaves in Nippon. RRRRRRRRRRGH!!! MONKEY BUTTS!!!!! But I digress.

Combustible Campus Guardress is a Production IG show... Which means the animation is fluid and very nice to look at. Combustible Campus Guardress is also the series with the best supporting characters EVER. Examples of which are: Mr. Realtor, Mr. Ramen, Mr. Pachinko, Mr. Laundromat and of COURSE Mr. Porno Books. Combustible Campus Guardress also has some of the most insane fighting moves I've ever seen (even including any Marvel Vs. Capcom game): Kitty Attack!, Japanese Housewife Textured Noodle Attack!, Super Ethnic Champion Tabascooooooooo!, Bow-wow Punchu!, Sexy Dyna-Blast!, and Rapid Power Fever! put any martial arts move in Naruto or Ranma to shame. To shaaaaaame.

"So," you ask, you annoying piece of shit you, "We get that you like it, but what is CCG about?" I'm glad you asked, you complete and total chunk of ass tar. Combustible is about a brother and sister, Jinno Takumi and Jinno Hazumi. Hazumi and her young mom both have a mad crush on Takumi... which means, if you've EVER seen ANY anime or played any hentai game, Takumi ain't really Hazumi's blood brother. But that's more important later on. The real meat and potatoes of CCG is that 30,000 years ago the Dark World (filled with demons and stuff of course) tried to invade our world. They were unsuccessful due to a handful of guardians, one of whom had to sacrifice his own life force to close the gate that connected the two planes of existences. Thus the Demons were locked away, and humanity triumphed!.. Buuuuuut, a few Remnants of the Dark World were stranded in ours when all that happened, and they've just woken up after a long sleep. Kijima Touta, the bad bad ass leader of the Remnants, has restarted the wheels in motion to reopen the portal, but are his desires to cause pain in the reincarnated Earth warriors who stopped the first attempt to unite the worlds (of whom Takumi and Hazumi are of course chief players) causing him to lose track of his species' main goals? Will Hazumi be able to protect her brother/crush without destroying the city building by building with each swing of her mighty bokken? Will main good guy, Chiryu-sempai, ever stop looking up Hazumi's skirt? Would we hate him if he did? Is the ending really the greatest anime ending ever? Well, I won't answer any of the spoiler questions above, but I will say that the final question's answer is a resounding "YES". It IS the bestest anime ending ever.

Let me back up a bit first. Despite the description that I gave this show in the previous paragraph, it is not a drama. It is about as far away from a drama as Grave of the Fireflies is from a comedy. CCG is hi-fucking-arious. From the first piece of flung dogshit to the final realization that the prophesy may not have been all it was cracked up to be, you will laugh for two solid hours (FYI again, CCG is made up of 4 high quality, half hour OVAs... Last FYI, I swear). Every character, whether they be good guys, bad guys, or just throw away part, is fun. The script is pretty much flawless, both in plot and individual character lines. The humor is so wacky off the wall, but it never falls quite into all out slap-stick like Dragon Half or Fairy Princess Rane. It stays fairly grounded. And did I mention the ending is uber-tacular?.... Yes, I know I did, I was just trying to make a point. God! Cut me some slack here! You people can be such assholes sometimes. But yes, great ending. And best use of eyedrops ever. Ever I tell you!

So here's hoping that some US anime company realizes that there is still great stuff out there (that needs to be licensed from Japanese studios) that WASN'T made this year. Then maybe we'll see Combustible on our side of the Pacific before I'm dead (which according to Bob From the Future will be in about 18 months due to some terrible neck-shaving accident... I don't want to talk about it). Oh, and maybe Prefectural Earth Defense Force too. Why not?

So, what did I think of Combustible (Bakuen) Campus Guardress? Infinitely better than it's sister show, Bastard!! Most definitely. CCG is one of the unsung greats. Only a few old schoolers even remember it though, and it seems to be fading from their memories too as the years go on (CCG is already 10 years old at the time of this writing). Hopefully it will make a comeback (somehow, someway), but until then, I give it 27.114 Points of Combustible Corpulence Out of 28.555555 Points. And boy, would I ever bone Hazumi if given the chance and the power to enter into animation. RrrrrrrrOOOOwwwwrrrrrr! She's a hottie.

The Fire Retardant
MEGAPLAYBOY

Daaaaaamn, Holmes, if I had me a hottie sis like Hazumi, I'd fuckin' lay the bitch-slap down pretty much every weeknight! Whoa, was that shit out loud? Anyway, G, the Rossman an me saw this shit way back in time ago, and we's wuz both like, "this is the motherfuckin' BOMB, bitch!" Cuz like, it was fuckin' wild and all. It had mad pachinko-shootin' fuckers and noodle-tossin' bitches all over the hizzy! Man, it kinda reminded me of that time I went all down to Lil' Tokyo in order to buy me some crazy hentai shit and some Asian Vaseline... Yeah, you bitches heard me right. The MegaPlayboy ain't 'shamed by nothin that jus' comes natural-like.

Anyhows, so like, I was there, chasin' the dragon and all (that was the coolest motherfuckin' kite I ever fuckin' saw!), when I noticed this tough lookin' chick beatin' the snot out of some clown-guy and three of his friends down some back alley. To be quite frank, that kind of turned me the fuck on. So I started watchin' the whore crack her big wooden sword all upside they's heads and all, and as soon as they was all unconcious and dead-like I ran up to the woman and said, "GunDAMN, whore! That was some fine pootie tangin' you was dealin there. What gives?" And she was all like, "You know, hot stuff, I just like to beat the shit outta clowns. I don't find them funny, just scary. But beating them up sure does make me horny!" Now, by that point I shoulda jus' run the fuck away with my dick tucked between my legs due to the weird tingly sensation I felt all risin' up the back o' my neck and all. But the bitch grabbed me too fast and had her way with me like nobody's business... Though by "bitch" I really mean "HE-bitch", cause that pony toni was a PHONY! That cock-whore had a pair that made me blush... Though I didn't, cause that would have been a sign of weekness and shit, then he/she would have just eaten me ALIVE!.... What the fuck was the point I was tryin' to make? It sure wasn't "Once you do Asian crack you never go back," that's for DAMN sure!

I'm going to have to give this shuff a thumbs down. Yeah, the show and all was groovy, but the whip and shoe marks on my buttocks still sting when it rains. Daaaaaamn!

The "Fire In The Hole"
ANGRY AMY

Okay, so FINALLY the Rossman makes me watch one of his gay shows where the main character is an in-charge, strong and tough woman who defends the world from bad shit... Buuuut, then I find out that SHE'S IN LOVE WITH HER FUCKING BROTHER....

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the Japanese people? Jeez Louise! They can't make any kind of normal programming WITHOUT any form of incest or sodomy, can they? What's worse about this Compatible Campus Guard shit is that not only is the main character infatuated with her brother, but her MOTHER wants to get the poor boy in the sack as well! I'm stopping here.

What the fuck do you THINK I'll give this show? Thumbs fucking DOWN.