Great Teacher Onizuka (GTO)

Great Torpedo ROSSMAN

Many things in this world are complete mysteries. Like, why is the sky blue? Why do cows taste so good? Why is prostitution illegal in most States? And, for the sake of this review, why are all teachers such bitches and dickheads? Yeah, I've had a couple of teachers and professors over the years that I didn't truly hate, but they were nothing outstanding. The reason I didn't loathe those few individuals was because they either didn't bury us in homework every night, or, like the bouncy Ms. Trauly, they let us take pictures of them naked while riding a horse. In my entire 16 years of schooling I have never found a teacher who was totally and completely and ruggedly "cool". One who actually made me want to go to class just to hang out with him/her. Well, not until now... And Onizuka Eikichi is fictional.

GTO is the story of a 22 year-old biker/slacker who never grew up. Onizuka likes to get shit faced every night with his pals and sit under escalators every day in order to look up girls' skirts. He likes to beat the living tar out of troublemakers who give him any lip and then he enjoys going out looking for 18 year-old tail while cruising on his hog. But one day inspiration strikes him in a grand way and he finds a goal in life. That goal being making it as a high school teacher and finding some cute pigtailed honey under his tutelage to be his wife... In case you haven't guessed, this show is most definitely from the land of deviants, Japan.

Never before has a show grabbed me and shaken me (like a red-headed stepchild) as GTO has. I watched all 43 episodes of the anime in less than a week. I just couldn't turn it off. It was hysterically superfragalosticly funny. It kept making me wonder what kind of kooky educational plan Onizuka was going to come up with next. It kept me guessing as to how the Vice Principal was either going to get smacked around or how he would plot his pitiful revenge against the bleached Great Teacher himself. And every new character that arrived actually added to the overall plot of the series. It wasn't like any of those pathetic other anime and manga out there that just throws in a new cast member for the old ones to interact with when the ideas run low. The overall feel of GTO in that sense is relative to Urusei Yatsura. By the end of its run it's got an extremely large cast, but each and every one of them feels like a member of your family... that is if you have an enormous and dysfunctional family.

If I ever find that I have no career paths open to me in the near (or far) future I plan to follow my new idol, Onizuka's, example. I'll become a teacher, beat the crap out of my trouble making students, hit on my cute female coworkers (who will all fall desperately in love with me no matter how hard they deny it), blow up my boss' luxury car a few times, and help the rowdy bastards in my class see the error of their ways by pushing them off of bridges, buildings and driving them off of unfinished overpasses on my motorcycle. Watch out! Great Teacher Rossman is about to be born!!!

What did I think of GTO? In the end I find that I must give it a 98% out of 100% of Rossman Satisfaction Points. If only it had done the extra credit, it may have gotten a perfect score. The only problem that I had with it was that it was too short. I needed more Onizuka-sensei and a lot more Kanzaki Urumi. She friggin' ruled!

Great Madman DR. DAVE

Those bastard children! It's all because of kids like the ones that Onizuka had to teach that I went bald, lost 4/5ths of my sanity and started playing bingo with an invisible sasquatch every Tuesday night at 8PM... If I'm even one minute late that hairy monster starts anally raping me with my portable phone while I squeal like a stuck piggy.... You'd think that after 20 times in a row of being late I'd try to get the bingo cards out early, but I digress.

Back when I was a science teacher at East Bumblefuck H.S. I was the king of my domain. I ruled that school and the faculty and students all feared me!... At least they did until they found me living in the janitorial closet on the third floor in a pile of my own filth, and made me teach an actual class of real students and not just mops and boxes of puke-covering saw dust. I put my all into my forced government job. Mostly out of fear of the invisible giant talking cockroaches that lived in the Principal's head, but also because I wanted to be able to shape young minds into the pudding of my own desires. You see, I tried to brainwash the whole class into kidnapping Cher and forcing her Congressional ex-lover, Sonny, to write a bill that would grant me unlimited freedom in my quest and experiments to find a cure for farting raunchily after a big bowl of baked beans. My only weakness.

After getting tied up and kicked around by my class and then eventually arrested for kidnapping (and by mistakenly killing) Celine Dion (my plans had to change when I found out that Sonny Bono was already a pancake after slamming into some tree on a ski trip... That bastard). I don't blame myself for that whole tumultuous episode though, I blame those darn meddling kids! As soon as I invent some glow-in-the-dark bananas I will have my revenge!!

*Sigh* GTO only brought back bad memories for this old man. Villainous faculty, backstabbing students, heinous parents who just want to sue you for lopping off limbs... I thought I left them all behind!!! I give GTO a thumbs down. And in case you were wondering, the Celine Dion that's walking around right now is an evil cyborg I had to cobble together to throw the police off of my case.

Great Bitch AMY

Fuck you, Rossman. This show sucked. YOU suck!! Why the hell do you force me to watch this shit! Yeah, I know you still have those pictures of me in the mail room after hours with the copy machine and the staple-remover, but if the price I have to pay for that is watching crappola like this all the damn time, then just go to the Staff Newsletter with them! They won't publish them! You can post copies of those pictures all over town for all I care! This sucks!! I will not be a slave because of a mistake I made after a few dozen cups of Irish coffee that day! I'll get you back for this! I'll somehow reprogram your gay Robot to kill you in your sleep if I have to! You will DIE!!

One finger up for this crapfest of a show.

The Rossman here. Yeah, Angry Amy talks big, but she's just a little pussy at heart. CAT, pussy cat at heart. Anyway, Robot Pedro is already programmed to kill me, so her threats mean nothing.