He Is My Master
(Reviewed on 09/07/2005)
The Rich (with life) ROSSMAN
Another "maid" anime show. Another "maid" anime show by Gainax. Another shitty "maid" anime show by Gainax.... Not that Mahoromatic (Gainax's previous "maid" show) was shitty, I just meant that all of Gainax's recent shows were of the quality of the anus. I guess that should have read "another 'maid' anime show, done in the shitty Gainax tradition of Gunbuster 2 and Melody of Oblivion."
There is absolutely NOTHING new in He Is My Master (from now on to be known as "HIMM") that we haven't seen done before. Well, I guess that's not true. The fact that there are NO likeable characters in the entire series is new. Most shows have at least one character with whom you care somewhat for. Not even the small parts of HIMM were welcome... But I'm getting too far ahead of myself.
HIMM is about some rich, little prick named Yoshitaka. He's a middle school geek with a boner for the cosplay. That's where most of the (supposed) humor arises from. "Oh, that's so high-larious! He's making the womens who work for him dress up in skimpy maid outfits! Gorsh! That is teh phunny!" Urrrgh... Anyway, HIMM is also about two sisters: elder, busty Izumi; and younger, conniving Mitsuki... Oh, and their PET ALLIGATOR, Pochi. Pochi, who looks like a giant, green tadpole with stumps for legs, is the stupidest addition to a storyline since Midiclorians were added to the Star Wars saga... He's just as unimportant too, as he's really only there for a few really retarded jokes regarding chasing after Izumi's pert ass. Well, Pochi is supposedly the reason the girls ran away from home, but the reason wasn't all that important to the plot. So many other (less gay) reasons could have been written instead.... But once again, too far ahead of myself.
Okay, the plot of HIMM goes something like this. Izumi and Mitsuki run away from home (and their stupid mother, incestuous father, and moronic little sister) because they don't want to get rid of an alligator that they have as a pet (this little bit is NEVER EXPLAINED! They have fucking alligators as a pets?!?!?). So after the mommy and daddy gator are put down for attacking Mitsuki, the two girls pack their last remaining vicious reptile (Pochi, the giant, green, bean-like blob with teeth) in a big suitcase (irony?) and never look back. But when this 14 and 13 year-old pair of siblings tries to find some jobs to keep them out of the gutter, they come up empty handed (What?! Nobody wants to hire two underaged fucktards for anything besides whore house work?!). That is until they stumble upon billionaire Yoshitaka's newly inherited mansion and 2,000 acre estate IN THE MIDDLE OF overcrowded Tokyo (I feel stupid just explaining this shit to you). Yoshitaka's uber-rich parents just died, but since they left him everything, he's not sad at all. In fact, he's in the process of hiring some maids (hopefully hot, busty ones), and he's actually living life to it's fullest and richest. Enter the sisters. Izumi keeps breaking things during their "interview", thus she's responsible for paying Yoshitaka back for all the expensive shattered crap, and so she and Mitsuki come on board as the new maids of the manor in order to... I dunno. Entertain horny fanboys? See, the WHOLE POINT of this insipid show is to see the girls (underage ones, I might add) in skimpy, slutty, revealing outfits. The comedy mostly revolves around their wardrobe (as stated before) that Yoshi is apparently a whizkid at throwing together. Supposedly the horny, mongoloid gator is comic relief, but I just wanted somebody to make some boots out of him and then watch him suffer on the feet of a redneck during "Country Line Dancing Night" down at the Honky Tonk Saloon on Tuesdays, or at least have Steve Irwin split his jaw like that dino in King Kong. Pochi's just about as much more fucking annoying than the talking sidekick in any magical girl series... Christ! All he can do is grunt like a castrated, middle-aged, Japanese businessman who hasn't gotten any in years too!
And don't get me started on Anna, the third maid in the mix. Anna's supposedly a shy and reserved little wallflower with a crush on Yoshitaka, but in the blink of an eye she turns into a raging lezbo who can't keep her skirt on when Izumi's in the room. That's one of the things that totally sucked about this show -- It could have at least been fun (though stupid) if it had kept the characters on track (and thus likeable). Personalities were altered in the blink of an eye if the writers thought a good joke could come from the screwing with series continuity.... Unfortunately not even one good joke ever came from it. Ever.
Oh, then there's Yoshitaka's rival whom we meet later on in the series. He's just like Yoshitaka (i.e. a geek, social pariah, rich as fuck, and horny as all Hell), but he's a crossdresser too. This COULD have been funny, but they don't DO anything with it! They just let that joke die. Goddammit! This whole show should have died. It should have been aborted just as the staff was trying to brainstorm how they could make the original manga story-line better. Instead they just crammed as much crap into these 12 episodes as they possibly could before flushing, and made the world's stinkiest turd-sandwich with which they then tried to cram a mouthful into the face of their audience when they weren't looking. Did I mention that Yoshitaka has another rival, who's young, rich and bitchy (like the crossdresser guy too), who doesn't appear until the last episode, and then is just cast aside before the final credits? Jezus! This entire production feels like it was just pulled from somebody's ass hours before airtime. Just ignore it, and maybe it'll go away and Gainax will go back to making great stuff again.
The "I Don't Want No
Fuckin' Master" MALCOLM Z
Hello again, my little homies. Let me jus' ax you somethin'. Do you like to use your fuckin' brain for things like "thinkin,'" or putting one and one together and gettin' 2? Well, then, don't you DARE let me catch you watchin' this piece of muthafuckin' garbage! If you do, and I catch wind of it, I will hunt your ass down and cut yo damn face off. Muthafucka!
Seriously, bitches, the Rossman and I is professionals. We watch this shit so's that you don't have to. And to tell you the fuckin' truth, I wish to God one of these piece of muthafuckin' shit shows would just fuckin' kill me so that I wouldn't have to watch any more. Seriously, yo, each piece of shit anime show is fuckin' worse than the last! Malcolm Z's got a problem with that kind of thing. Fuck this G-rated maid shit, Japanesey foo's! Just stick to what you're muthafuckin' good at: Makin' pornography! Goddammit, I'm serious! If the Rossman thinks that somethin' is all gay and fuck, then I'm pretty sure that it has to be the gayest muthafuckin' thing on the whole of God's green earth! Don't forget, G, the Rossman's the fucker who thought that the Smurf's Christmas Special was the greatest thing since the penis pump. I say we accidentally drop another goddamn bomb on Japan, and accidentally annihilate all of their muthafuckin' animation studios, that ain't makin' porn, in one fell swoop. This pisses me off!
The Rich With Confusion DR. DAVE
I am very confused. Are terrible shows like this some kind of experiment that the Japanese are conducting on the entire world? Are they seeing if people actually watch this garbage and think that it's great entertainment? If a country is full of brainless fanboys who embrace crap like this, do they then invade, knowing that their prey is stupid enough to accept anything Nipponese as a good thing? Can we not, in turn, use that same gage to nuke the holy living Hades out of those very same countries, and ourselves if necessary?
Yes, skinny women with large breasts in tight maid outfits are sexy, but that's not a good enough reason to make an entire... Wait. No, on second thought I stand corrected. That is indeed a good reason. Carry on.
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