Onegai Sensei (Please Teacher)

The Weirded Out ROSSMAN

Holy fucking dog shit, Batman..... I, I don't know where to start with this review. There's so much fucked up stuff to talk about. Before I get into plot details, I guess the best thing to do would be to explain how something like this anime could have been made in the first place. See, Japan is filled, coast to coast, with hard-up men, be they unloved teenage highschool boys, unfulfilled business men, or old fogeys just waiting to die. Each and every Japanese male spends 58 seconds out of every waking minute (and 59 out of every dream-spent minute) thinking about boning the waitress who served them their coffee that morning, or the secretary who they talked to on the phone that afternoon, or their hot mothers and sisters, and most especially, their hot teachers. That is a world record (we American males only think of sex a total of 30-35 seconds a minute.... We are so far behind -_-)! The only real problem with these Japanese men is that they're either too polite or they're complete and total pussies who can't get up the courage to physically act out their built-up sexual tensions. Which is why shows like Onegai Sensei (Please Teacher) were created.

Whew! Now to dive into the series itself. Please Teacher is every heterosexual male's (or gorgeous lesbian's) hot fantasy, be they Japanese or not. It's about a wussy kid who suffers from some kind of disease that puts him in a coma whenever he starts to feel majorly depressed. It's because of one of these comas (that lasted 3 years) that he still looks 15 despite the fact that he's really 18. Can you see where this is going? If not, bless your naive little soul.

Anyway, this wuss moves out to the country to live with his aunt and uncle, who's a doctor, in order to start his life over again. But soon he gets mixed up with a hot female alien (who looks just like a hot human female), who just so happens to be his new teacher and (in an ever so obvious bad plot point) his new neighbor. He finds out her secret (that she's an alien, duh) and soon the two are forced to get married because the writers wanted to live vicariously through their animated horny wuss-man-child. This extremely important plot point is more or less just brushed over simply so that we could have the big breasted alien chick get in the sack with the typical Japanese teenage pussy-boy as fast as possible. Then things got weird with a capital "P", which stands for punishment for pedophilia.

Teacher puts the moves on pussy-boy, pussy-boy backs away in absolute terror. Cute female classmates of pussy-boy try to bag him and tag him too, pussy-boy almost wets his pants in fear. Classmates fuck eachother during Summer break, pussy-boy gets envious. Pussy-boy and hot alien teacher almost kiss a few times (actually, this is really kinda creepy to see). Circumstances keep pussy-boy and hot alien teach apart. Alien mother and sister arrive and more non-naughty, Three's Company-like misunderstandings happen. Then things turned all serious. Inner feelings are dealt with and plot points are hit upon, all with surprisingly good results. By the time we get to the 13th (straight-to-video) episode, the pussy-boy and the hot alien teacher are regularly fucking like bunnies on speed and viagra. Honestly, it may sound kinky, but to see all the cuddling and lip locking between a late twenties-something big breasted hottie, and a skinny, nerdy 18 year-old trapped inside a 15 year-old's body just kind of grosses you out... Or maybe I'M the pussy-boy and I should be the one seeking help. Who knows.

One final note. I did kind of like the reasoning behind the pussy-boy's "disease" They didn't hit upon it that much, but it was kind and very emotional. *Weep!* *Sniff!* Excuse me... I have something in my eye...

What did I think of Onegai Sensei (Please Teacher)? Well, I think I really have to give it a "C". It was better than it should have been, but it was so goddamn bizarro! Plus the title itself... The only way I read it now sounds like a line in a porno movie. Example:

Cue kinky 70s "boom-chicka-baw-baw" muzak.
Hot, semi-nude woman walks into empty classroom.
Man in janitor outfit soon follows.
MAN: "So, teacher, where's this condom machine you wanted me to fix?"
HOT WOMAN: "Oh, about that... Never mind. See, I have some nice Magnums with resevoir tips right here. Now, be a good boy and ask mommy for it!"
MAN: "Oh! PLEASE TEACHER! Oh GOD yes!!! Yahoo for school!!"

See what I mean? Boom-chicka-baw-baw..

The Teachin' JAIME

Oh my goodness! That alien teacher should get fired so fast! If she taught in the school that I teach in she would be soooo busty-- Errr, I mean "busted!" Having an affair and then marrying a student! Why, I never!

This show seriously disturbed me. There were so many things wrong with it. First of all, how did that alien woman keep that figure while she ate nothing but Pocky sticks all day long? Secondly, what was up with the parental figures? Either they didn't care that their kids were screwing other kids (or teachers for that matter), or they actually encouraged it!! That's just sick! Buncha perverts in this world.

If I must rate it, I'll give Please Teacher a thumbs down. Pay no attention to my avatar. My brother never took one of me disliking something....

The "Please Stop" DR. DAVE

If only teaching was like this when I was a lad... Hell, if only it was like this when I was a teacher. Hmmmm, maybe it was. It has been a while and large chunks of my life are blanked out of my mind. Perhaps I was one of the few lucky teachers to successfully start up a hot and bothered relationship with an unlucky student. Male or female. Perhaps I'm also an alien who's studying the Earth for the sake of some galactic pedo-government who wants to see if Earth kids are easy. Judging from the outbreaks of herpes and gonnhorea at public schools recently, I'd have to check off the "yes" box on that questionaire.

Hmmmmmm, an alien.... This would explain a lot. Like why my toes are webbed and why I have an insatiable craving for Zima. All the damn time. God, it's like I can never get enough of that nectar of diety ball-sweat! I'm chugging a bottle right now as I type this. I must be an alien. Either that or I have some kind of sick glandular disorder. It's 50/50 right now.

I will give this Japanese animated show a thumbs down simply for the fact that if I did indeed experience a situation like this at one point in my life, it pains me terribly to think that I could have forgotten it all. What a world.