Rizelmine

The Abused ROSSMAN

Note to readers: The pic of the bloody woman above is actually a make-up test... I swear, it's not real. How tasteless do you think I am to actually think I'd put a shot of a chick who really got batted around like a pinata at a Cinco de Mayo frat party on this site?... The middle picture of the woman about to get socked is real though. But she really deserves it. Trust me, you just... seriously, you just don't know.

Yay! The Japanese think that spousal abuse is fun! Verbal, physical, psychological, you name it, it's a gas! Tie the bitch up, toss her out a window, shove her off your moving bike, call her names to her face, ignore her when she pleads her love to you, don't call her by her name, call her "idiot" all the time, insult her in front of your friends, don't let her hang out with people who actually do like her... It's all good! Oh, and apparently the Japanese think it's even BETTER to pull all this shit on a 12 year-old girl. That's right, Rizel (the female lead in the mouth-gapingly scary-as-all-fuck show known as Rizelmine) is only twelve, and her "husband" is 15. The morals that the Land of the Rising Pedo is pushing on the world are just awe-inspiring. But I digress.

No, wait, no I don't. I want to gress a little bit more. Seriously, this show is fucked up, and not in a fun way like Midori's Days was. Nope, Rizelmine is fucked up in a "what the hell is wrong with these people" kind of way. Rizelmine starts off well enough as a simple Urusei Yatsura clone (every character is cloned from UY, and every situation as well). Through a misunderstanding, the Lum character (aka Rizel) ends up married to the Ataru character (aka Iwaki Tomonori), while his parents look on, and her parents (the Papas) do their best to make their little princess happy. Then there's the Sakura character, the Mendou character and the Shinobu character... Oh, and instead of "divine retribution" in the form of lightning bolts from the Lum character's body, Rizel cries nitro glycerine tears (apparently she's some sort of secret, living, super weapon, but that's never touched upon more than it needs to be in order to explain the Papas' unlimited budget used to make the little whore happy... Come to think of it, having Rizel be a living experiment kind of makes the whole premise even sicker than just having an underaged abused wife being the brunt of all the gags. Creepy). So anyway, it's a remake of UY. But then it gets naughty... And not naughty like "oh beHAVE," naughty, but naughty as in "this would be totally illegal in over 60 countries" naughty. For a while the focus of the show becomes "getting Rizel laid." You read that right, now go scrub your eyeballs with some brillow pads and Pine Sol.

There are just so many things wrong with this show. Honestly, it's another case of "why did I bother to finish this?" Yeah, it was only 24 episodes (at 15 minutes a piece), but that was still a complete waste of my valuable time and resources. "Valuable" as in I could have spent my time NOT watching this crapfest. Anyway, Rizelmine goes a little something like this: The Japanese government created a living weapon in the form of a little girl -- Rizel. Rizel, for some reason, won't age past 12 years-old. Rizel's tears are highly explosive. Rizel suffers from bi-polar emotion swings. The Japanese think this is funny. Whatever. So, in order to get Rizel to age (for what reason we're never told, and I'm kind of glad about that because the reason, if they even had one, was probably dumber than the idea of making a sitcom around "wife beating"), three government agents (known to Rizel as her "Papas") move in with Rizel into the Tomonori house, where Iwaki lives. Iwaki being the boy that Rizel loves for some reason (we find out why later in the show, so at least that major plot thread isn't pissed away too). Iwaki's parents are at first against the whole thing, but they're pansies and they cave in to government bribes and threats rather easily. Anyway, this is when the spousal abuse begins. See, Iwaki only likes older girls, girls with big breastseses. Rizel is only 12 and flat (okay, technically she's 18 or something, but her mind and body are 12, so it's still really wrong and completely fucked up... Once again I say we need to nuke Japan to stop this kind of fucked up shit from ever happening in the first place), so of course she's not Iwaki's type.

So Rizel gushes all over Iwaki, takes all his punishment (while spouting such upbeat lines like "Ah! The first time my husband threw me out the window!" or, "Yay! The first time my husband stuffed me in the oven!" or even, "Yippee! The first time my husband stabbed me with his chopsticks!") and is all retarded "abused wife" for a while, but then, at the drop of a hat, she turns on Iwaki (usually because he went one insult or smacking too far) and begins crying her splodin' tears which end up blowing a hole in whatever building she was in at the time. But, like most physically and verbally spat upon women, after the guy gives a quick and unfelt "Sorry, baby, you know I never meant it to go that far," she's right back to kissing his ass. This is depressing as Hell! This isn't comedy! This is a massive cry for therapy! So painful to watch...Oh, and then about halfway through the whole show, Rizel gets the ability to turn into a busty 18 year-old version of herself for short periods of time... Which of course turns Iwaki's motor until he finds out that the big-tittied girl he's gaga over is just Rizel in "disguise." Jeezus.... I did already mention the storyline in which all the adults try to get Rizel and Iwaki to fuck while she's in her 12 year-old form, right? Just making sure.

There were a few funny scenes (which don't make the whole show any less lame) that included Rizel's Russian, American, Chinese and Italian counterparts trying to jump in the sack with Iwaki too.... But they're all 12 year-olds like the Riz.... Seriously, please tell me that the entire country of Japan put this show out as a joke just to see if any foreigners actually saw it and said "Wow, this is the greatest show ever!" Then Japan would pop out of the bushes and be all like "You just got fuckin' PUNK'D, beeyatch!" Please, PLEASE let this shitfest (and Melody of Oblivion) just be a Punking on us unsuspecting gaijin. Otherwise, Japan, we will have to kill you all.

So, what did I think of Rizelmine? I was pretty much appalled. Totally appalled. Not only was it a mess, storyline wise, but in total execusion as well. I give it Two Thumbs Down. Fuck you, Japan. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Shaaaaaame on you.

The Righteous MALCOLM Z

No. No no no no no no no NO!.... This shit just ain't right. None of this shit is right. It's ALL fucked up. First of all it's about underage pimpin'. Wrong-oh. Second, it's about bitch slappin' a bitch. No way. Third, it's about... fuck, there's gotta be another 50,000 things wrong with this piece of shit, but those first two should more than be enough. How the fuck did something like this get muthafuckin made in the first fuckin' place? Some fucker probably drew this shit in a comic book first, but then, instead of getting all pissed at his stupidity and hatred of women, some animation guy said, "Hey, fucka'! This kind of woman abuse would be even more fucking awesome in animated form!" Then, they actually got companies to sponsor it instead of burn it. And then they somehow got some voice actress to say shit like "Oh, I love being punched in the kidneys by you, my husband," without breaking down crying. Then people actually watched this crap on TV! How the fuck do you rationalize that?! How the fuck do you laugh at a teenage punk tossin' his ho out the second story window? You fucks make me sick!

Fuck it! This shit don't get no muthafuckin' rating from me. Crap is crap. There are no different levels of it.

The Un-Rizeled JAIME

Ummm, was this an actual "comedy" show, or an afternoon special on domestic violence? I honestly couldn't tell. I'm shaking from watching it, but I couldn't tell if it wanted me to laugh or think about how some women refuse to see the violent world that they chose to live in by peeking out in rose colored glasses... Glasses colored "rose" usually by their own blood.

I'm... I just need some air.

Awful. If you laugh at this you're going to Hell.