Read Or Die

The Seed or Die ROSSMAN

Ever since the greatest anime series ever made wrapped up (that would be Giant Robo back in 1998), the entire world and I have been waiting for a successor to the throne of "Earth's Coolest Animation" to arrive. Then, in early 2001, Read Or Die stepped forward. And we're still waiting.

Not to bash it or anything, but ROD tried way too hard to be as cut-ass rugged as Robo. The animation is beyond cool and some of the characters are really engaging, but overall it just leaves you flat.

Well, I think that's too critical of me. I really enjoyed this three episode OAV, but it simply needed a lot more time to mix everything together. Everything felt rushed. The story felt like it could have easily fit into a 6-13 episode series and filled it out very satisfyingly.

The whole thing goes something like this: The Royal British Library Division of Special Operations has a bunch of super-powered ESPers working for it who's main job at the moment includes collecting a bunch of old books with special notes written in the margins that the bad guys are after in order to make their nefarious plans work. Lots of things blow up (including the White House), and lots of fast paced and well choreographed fights (between good and evil super-humans) errupt through out the story's hour and a half runtime. It's these fights that make this show worth a purchase. The ingenuity of the characters and the use of their powers has to be seen to be believed.

First we have the main player, Yomiko Readman (aka The Paper). Her special power, other than being able to read old literature without falling asleep, is the manipulation of paper. She can use sheets of parchment to stop bullets, and make giant paper airplanes and razor-sharp swords. Then we have her partner for this mission, Ms. Deep (affectionately known to Yomiko by her first name, Nancy). Ms. Deep can move through solid matter as if it were melted butter. Melted butter that was like air. She can survive 40 story falls by phasing her way through the ground, and she can reach into a person's body to knock him out or crush a major organ. Bullets and fists pass right through her too, when she doesn't want to be bothered with dying.

Then we have the secondary characters and the bad guys.... Who are boring as fuck. Read Or Die moves so fast and furiously that we don't get to know anybody else. The entire point of why the bad guys are doing what they're doing and how they go about it (the best way I can put it without spoilers) was barely brushed over. The overall horror of their plan was kind of just chalked up to "Eh, that's pretty heinous... but what ya gunna do?"

Despite ROD's attempt to be like Giant Robo, the only thing they stole from Imagawa's masterpiece was the use of super-powered humans fighting eachother in blast-tastic battles. They missed the drama and the monstrous scope of the GR production. Maybe they'll get it right for the TV series.

What did I think of ROD? After all is said and done I find that I must give The Paper and company a 55 out of 67 Pages of Progress. It was a fun ride with hep-tacular visuals (including the best Statue of Liberty fight scene ever), but there just wasn't enough to it that warranted a better rating. Also, the animators who made it must really hate America. What with blowing up a good part of D.C., as previously stated, and making the President a big pussy who wets his pants (literally) several times when the bad guys look like they are going to succeed with their plan. Fucking foreigners! I bet that George W. could kick their Emperor's ass in a match of fisticuffs with one leg tied behind his back and a rabid duck in his shorts!

The Tissue-Paper
MEGAPLAYBOY

"The Paper?" "Joker?" "Ms. Deep?" Is this a Batman themed porno or a bad anime? Most unfortunately, it be the latter, homies. Some of the bitch-slappin' exploits of those wigged out mutants was pretty fly and all, but it just didn't pull me into it as fully as I needs ta be in order to say "Fuck me upside the head, whore! You better be watchin' dis bad ass muthafuckin' show o' I'll give yo sorry face some monster Tooth Fairy patrolin' de-teething!" For that to happen a show needs at least one titty flash. Just one! Goddammit!

I mean, the last time I saw a movie with a character named "Ms. Deep" I needed the pause and rewind buttons along with a shitload of replacement batteries for my remote control! That was a cap-up-the-asstastic movie! See, there was this chick who worked as a shrink and she liked to do the wild thing in her slutty time off. But one day, this big black dude with a 'tude showed up for a psych session. Well, that little ho could see the bulge in that guy's jeans and she started gettin' all luscious and skanky! She started to lick her lips... Oooooooh yeah! Then she grabbed her basketball sized titties and ripped her muthafuckin' shirt off! She grabbed the dude's package and yanked it out of his pants in one smooooooth move. Then she got right too it and swallowed his whole damn hoodilly in one gulp! That guy was crying with pleasure like a bitch-hankerin' bulldog lost in a poodle factory! He said, "Damn, bitch! You got all of that down?! You must be Miss Deep, ya goddamn whore!" I had to watch that part at least 20 damn times afore I could believe it! Lord knows we needs more quality movies like that shit!

Read Or Die should just curl up and die for not caterin' to my special needs. I gives it a thumbs down. I did appreciates the James Bondsian opening theme muzak, but that ain't enough to get me all riled up over. Especially when there ain't no Pussy Galore anywhere to be found.

Mr. Creep (aka ROBOT PEDRO)

Read Or Die. Wow. That is like what I always tell the Rossman. "Read me a bedtime story, inferior hu-man... Or DIE!!" I will also tell him to buy me things... Or DIE!!! Like that one time that I was running low on basball bats and axes and I had a killing spree planned that night. I was going crazy. It was not pretty. I was so upset that I could not even step on any cats to crush their bones. I hate cats. I truly do. They are the most amazingly annoying animal ever made. Well, next to homo sapien.

One time I got this email from somebody that had a picture of a kitten in it and the kitten was going to get eaten by these weird creatures with sharp teeth. I laughed so damn hard at that picture! In fact, I am laughing about it right now! Holy caca is it a funny kitten-being-eaten picture! I showed the picture to the Megaplayboy, and he laughed at it too. We were looking at the picture more than the TV. You see, the TV can show some funny things every once in a while, but because of fags like PETA we can't see real-live kittens getting munched on. Does this world suck or what?!

I compute that Read Or Die deserves a 3 star rating out of 5. I do not need to explain my calculations to you, inferior bastard. By the way, here is a picture of that kitten getting eaten. Enjoy!