Battle Royale II: Requiem

The Royally Battled ROSSMAN

What a pile of shit. They made it. They actually made it. The ULTIMATE crappy action movie sequel. Unbefuckinglievable.

The original Battle Royale was the king of the hill -- it was one of the coolest, most emotional shoot-’em-up, blow-’em-to-bits flicks ever produced. It was exciting, violent, and yet it actually made you think. You cared about the characters (well, the ones you were supposed to care about), and it kept you wondering how it was all going to end... Battle Royale II has absolutely NONE of the characteristics that its daddy had. What a shame. And what a sham.

BRII is all about Wild Seven: an out and out terrorist organization headed by the two survivors of the original movie (Shuya and Noriko). It is three years since they got off the first flick’s BR island, and they've been "rebelling" against an uncaring Japanese government since (in the opening scene we see their latest act of rebellion... They blow up a bunch of civilian-filled skyscrapers in downtown Tokyo in a shot that eerily [and quite obviously intentionally] reminds one of the collapse of the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001... but I’ll get back to this point below). After the destruction of the buildings, the Japanese government starts up the Battle Royale II Act, which will take another troubled class of asshole kids, but this time send them after Wild Seven’s newly discovered isle base, just off the Japanese coast.

Up until the abduction of this new class, I was actually pretty excited about the plot -- it had potential, and it seemed to be heading into uncharted territory -- but then we met the players and their teacher. Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda and Beat Takeshi (the main cast of the original) they are not. Everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY, from the main characters right down to the first victims of the necklace ‘splosions) overacts. PAINFULLY overacts. Roger Rabbit-like overacts. There is no subtlety in Battle Royale II. Anyway, so, in an effort just to be cruel, the gov sends in this new class to eliminate the old. Ridiculously lame violence, cheesy script, and beyond improbable circumstances ensue. Every death (and I’m not exaggerating) is dealt with by having whiney teens cry and cry and cry shit like “Asukawa-chan!! Iyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Asukawa-chan!! Iyeeeeeeeeeee!!... Iyeeeeeeeeeee!!” And each pathetic whining goes on for like 2 minutes, and they happen 30+ times through the entire show. Half the movie is just kids whining about other kids dying. Oh, and this flick actually gets boring. That’s right, a story about a shitload of troubled losers who are forced into a situation of kill or be killed against other kids who’s side they should be on in the first place actually drags. There are so many things wrong with that. Though to be fair, there was one plot element (out of fifty) that I really liked. That would be the one with Beat Takeshi’s character’s daughter joining the BR class to find out why her dad had to die in the first movie (by the way, Beat himself makes a glorious cameo in a quick scene in BRII that will truly make any fan of the previous flick smile). But unfortunately that’s pretty much the only good thing it had going for it.

And there are so many things wrong with the story logic itself. I’m not talking about the basic plot or anything like that (most action movies’ plots have major holes in them big enough to chuck a bullet-ridden body through), I’m talking about inter-movie logic. Things that actually go against the logic of the world that the movie takes place in. Things that take you OUT of the movie. Take for example, Star Wars - A New Hope... You are willing to believe that something called "the Force" exists and can allow an old, dead guy to communicate with a young, annoying farm boy, in order to help said lad blow the fuck out of a giant space station intent on splodin' the hidden base of the rebel army that just wants peace to return to the galaxy. Okay, got it. But say then that out of the blue the rebel forces produce a giant electro-magnetic pulse generator (straight out of their asses) to stop the Death Star cold, and then Obi-Wan shows up in gym shorts and gives Luke and Han a pep talk before doing a swan dive, with a rugby ball in hand, right into the Death Star ventilation shaft that the photon torpedoes just shot down, for no apparent reason at all. That’s pretty much the stupidity that occurs in BRII. I laughed out loud and had to rewind the movie a few times to make sure I didn’t just imagine that funky shit happening when I fell asleep (which I think I did twice during the really gay boring parts). What the fuck happened? How could such a potentially cool sequel suck worse than George Lucas’ own pukey prequels?

The answer is simple, the man who directed the first movie died while just starting to film this turd, and then his incompetent son took over. Holy cow fuck, what a mistake. Yeah, the first Battle Royale had some goofy moments, but even after seeing it 5 times it’s still shocking. It’s still terrible to see even the most bitchy or assholic kids die horrible, painful deaths at the hands of their classmates. BRII is instead a war movie. The BRII class is all on the same team, so there’s no tension between them making them wonder if their friend sitting next to them in their foxhole will gut them if given the chance. That right there takes 50% of the drama out of it. The other 50% of the drama is deleted due to terribly crappy acting. It’s like the director thought, “The camera will probably tone down all the emotions that everybody emotes, so I’ll just have them go apeshit overboard with their lines! What could go wrong?” Well, whenever anybody says anything, they spit it out. Feelings of anger, excitement, surprise, happiness and remorse all look the same: bug-eyed with raised eyebrows. The end result is something that looks like a mongo, middle school play directed by a flamboyant homo who was “too much” for off-Broadway to handle. It is so fucking laughable.

Now, to talk about the most INSANE thing about BRII. The thing that actually made me realize that Japan (or at the very least, director and writer Kenta Fukasaku) is the most retarded moron on the entire planet when it comes to global politics. The entire point of this movie is to bash the U.S. wars against the Taliban and Saddam Hussein. They make it a point of saying that “it isn’t right that the U.S. attacked dozens upon dozens of countries, unprovoked, over the past 60 years” (and it’s stated several times in case you missed it). They list Japan, North Korea, Libya, the Taliban held Afghanistan, Vietnam, and Iraq as the chief innocents against the U.S.’ global terror campaign. That’s right, Fukasaku actually takes the sides of Communism and terrorist dictator regimes. What’s even more insane is that he builds up Wild Seven as the next Al Qaida, and tries to get us to feel sorry for them despite the fact that they blew up a half dozen skyscrapers filled with men, women and children, and because (and ONLY because) the U.S. soon takes a disliking to them. The BRII children’s homeroom teacher, who’s daughter was even killed in the skyscraper attacks, actually turns to Wild Seven’s side in the end SOLELY BECAUSE THE U.S. TRIED TO KILL THEM. You read that right. Because Japan was taking its sweet ass time getting rid of the murderers (who could have escaped to kill innocents again while they dawdled), the U.S. started bombing their island base... And some liberal weenie Japanese fucks started to say, “Well, if the Americans are against them, those wacky, murdering TERRORISTS must not be all that bad.” I shit you not, that’s actually how Fukasaku thinks. And I find it sadly hilarious.

Soapbox time: You may think that the war in Iraq was a big mistake, but do you honestly think that the Iraqi people are even more miserable without Saddam’s evil regime still in power? Do you think that they want the infamous “rape rooms” reestablished just because it was the U.S. who freed them? Well, BRII actually makes it a point to come straight out and say that freedom was the worst thing that happened to the children of Iraq and Afghanistan. It says this. Not metaphorically or symbolically or existentially even. It verbally says this. Wild Seven believes that the Taliban should still be in charge and still be harboring Osama bin Laden. It’s so pathetically uninformedly sad that it’s funny. It makes me wonder how many countries and people actually hate the U.S. simply because we don’t just bend over and allow evil people to blow up our buildings and say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” But I digress. My preaching is done.

Truthfully, all that anti-American stuff didn’t really bother me all that much (contrary to me actually writing two paragraphs about it above). I just found it strange. Strange that anybody would spend so much time and money on a movie just to bash an entire country for not being pussies and cowering in fear when terrorists attack (the social statement made by BRII seems to be that anybody who retaliates against terrorism, even when it’s not even directed at them, is evil). And strange that they’d chose to do it so heavy-handily, and with such a terrible director and actors.

So, what did I think of Battle Royale II? I have to give it a 23.68 out of 70.34 Points of Rossman Violence. It was a total 180 from the awesomeness of the first BR. It brought suckiness to a whole new level. Obviously director Fukasaku’s father was the genius behind the original movie, and his son was just along for the ride.

As an afterthought, does everyone in Japan truly believe that the US was unprovoked in attacking them in World War II? Seriously, if this is true then I think we have to nuke them all again. That’s fucked up.

Switchblade SATAN

Whoa! Holy fuck! Seriously, I did not see this one coming. First of all, the first movie was as close to theatrical perfection as I've ever seen any manmade creation get. I almost cried at all of the poetic deaths and all the destruction that overflowed from that island. With Battle Royale II I almost cried over what Fukasaku did with the great vision that his genius father initially crafted before he died. Fukasaku Jr. pretty much took a giant Cleveland steamer right on his dad's memory. And for that, he will suffer eternal damnation. Rest assured, my minions. I have a special room ready, where in Fukasaku Jr. will be trapped with a horny sumo wrestler with giant spikes jutting out from his cock, who will feel the need to fuck the writer/director's ass 24/7, with an insatiable appetite. I will of course keep the sumo on a leash and chain in the center of the room, leaving just enough room for Fukasaku to huddle in the corner for a little while, thinking that he's out of harms way... But once every hour the walls will close in and push the little fucker right into his tubby lover's waiting arms. Fuck you, Fuka-baby. This is the least you deserve.

I'm afraid to say that Hell is too good for the writer and director of this flaming piece of excrement. Thumbs down from Satan.

The Violent-Tendencies KUNI

Why must these more Asian students die! This is wrong! Battle Royale Act is the evil that makes America more evil! This is all fault of the America! Why must America kill bad dictator and warlord government that train Wild Seven to kill babies? U.S. makes me cry. They try to kill bad kids too, but with the missiles! Why they didn't send men to die? Why not just send soldiers to kill kids so everyone can die there? Cowards send missiles! You bad, U.S.! You so bad you not good!

Kuni says that this is the good movie that should go against bad people who kill terrorists. Kuni Thumb up!

The Rossman here: Kuni is apparently more retarded than director Fukasaku. And for that I apologize. Be assured that he will be dead before tomorrow morning.