Goemon

The Ninja-Wannabe ROSSMAN

I know I say this a lot — especially about ninja movies — but this is one of the greatest awesome kick-ass movies ever made. Yeah, Shinobi: Heart Under Blade was fun, and had some hot ninja babes in it, and sure, Azumi was bad ass and had fun fucking with history on a limited budget (and had one of Japan's most visionary directors making it), but 2009's Goemon puts them all to shame. It is THE ninja movie to end all ninja movies. Yeah, I haven't seen the Wachowski Bros. Siblings' newest flick (Ninja Assassin) as of this writing, but the previews look pretty damn cheezy, and they all speaka the English in it. REAL ninjas spit on the English language. REAL ninjas only speak Japanese, and if you hear them speak it you die 1.3 seconds later.

Goemon is truly epic. It's filled with ninja, samurai, gigantic hand-to-hand battles, betrayals out the ass, historical drama, and a shit-ton of violence. It's based loosely on real history (the same way that Braveheart and Blade Runner are), but it takes place in a world where ninjas can actually DO all the shit that we always thought ninjas could really do: like jump three stories straight up; fight 20 enemies at once without receiving even one pussy scratch; scale the outer walls of an enormous palace that rises into the sky with their bare hands; and use their katana to cut through a stone pillar to kill a samurai on the other side. In other words, it's a goddamn NINJA movie, not Titanic. Historical accuracy is chucked out the window for your entertainment, and by Takahashi you WILL be entertained.

Yeah, it starts off a bit goofy and light (as we follow the legendary ninja-thief Goemon as he steals from the rich and gives to the poor fuck peasants during a huge, city-wide celebration in the mid 16th Century Japan), and for a few minutes you might actually think that you're watching a comedy instead of an action/adventure/ninja-bang movie, but then a few shocking and bloody events take place and you begin to think "Whoa! That's fucked up!" Then the whole feel and the entire universe of this story gets ninja-kicked to its head, and when you realize that nothing is sacred, nothing is safe, that's when you understand just how perfect this movie is. This is as perfect a ninja movie as you will ever get: It's almost nothing but warriors with super-human abilities — but who aren't godly and infallible, and far from immortal — taking charge and doing what they do best. That would be killing. Killing with style.

Goemon is all about our thieving title ninja, and how he crossed destinies with Oda Nobunaga's successor, Hideyoshi Toyotomi, and how he unwittingly uncovered one of the ruler's dirty, dirty little secrets. This secret has to be covered up no matter the cost, and so ninjas out the ass are sent on a hunting trip to silence the slippery Goemon and retrieve the scrolls that he stole. Soon the entire country becomes a battle ground as all the many remnants of the great Nobunaga start to butt heads and armies, while assassins run around all willy nilly with shuriken flying and poison darting.

Real life people (or at least real life legends) like Hanzo Hattori, the legendary Saizo, Sarutobi Sasuke, Lady Chacha, and Ieyasu Tokugawa play important roles in the ninja-fantastic tale, but their roles are twisted a bit from real life in pretty much the same way that Inglourious Basterds fucked with Hitler and his posse. And if you don't know who any of these people are then you should really pick up a goddamn Japanese history book, you illiterate faggot, you. Factual Japanese history is actually more mind-blowing than most historical flicks based on (and exaggerated upon) American and European history (see, Professor Friday! I remembered all that awesome crap you taught us!). But whatever, you're edumacated enough during the course of this movie as to who everybody is in order to enjoy it well enough.

What's Goemon's connection to Hideyoshi? Does our protagonist ever get to ninja-bang the saucy Lady Chacha? What's with Sasuke, Goemon's trusted... Ummm, well, money-hungry servant? Is that really Pandora's Box that's causing all this shit to go sour? Who are all those other uber-ninjas? What's with that little kid who Goemon kinda helps/kinda fucks over? How many people will die for the sake of peace? Did that guy really throw that baby into that boiling oil? What the hell is really going on here?! I'm not shitting you, you need to watch this fucking movie with somebody you love... And if they don't like it too, then fucking kick them out of your bed — they're not good enough for you. Fuck 'em!

So like I was saying before, this movie turns unapologetically brutal pretty early on, and there comes a point in which you realize that there's no way things can ever end happily for anybody... but you just can't stop watching because it's so goddamn beautiful to look at, and you hope beyond all hope that the main man Goemon can somehow pull everything off. And fuck the bejebus out of Lady Chacha. Oh, and that reminds me, if you're the kind of asshole who couldn't watch such incredibly gorgeous movies like Sin City or Casshern because they're mostly exaggerated CGI backgrounds with live actors (almost) seamlessly inserted into them, then you're retarded, and you won't like Goemon. Goemon is pretty much wall-to-wall CGI backgrounds, but they are much more integrated with the actors than I think I've ever seen. This movie is absolutely frighteningly magnificent. Pull your head out and give it a chance.

So what'd I think of the Ninja Fantastic flick Goemon? The best ninja movie I've ever seen. It's dark, it's full of full-on ninja fights, and it's resplendent to look at. I give it 6 out of 5 Ninja Stars of Destruction. God I hope Warner Bros. doesn't fuck it up with terrible editing like they did with Casshern when they brought that out over to the States.

MALCOLM Z

Yeah, they fuckin' play around with history an' shit with this ninja movie, but for once Malcolm forgives the film makers, and I don't want to issue any hits on them or their families because of their dishonor of sacred history.

This fuckin' flick is bad ass, mothafucka. Seriously, if you ever think you've seen a ninja movie before, you ain't seen shit till you've seen this here mothafuckin' Goemon. Seriously, you ever see a ninja movie where the bad guy kills a fuckin' baby? This is some bad ass shit. Watch it, bitches. Learn a little something about a foreign culture while yous at it too. Cunts.

I'm a fan of the ninja. I like this fuckin' movie so damn much. Bitch.

MASTER HIROCHI

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(Rossman here: Master Hirochi disappeared when I turned my head for a second, but he left 4 Shuriken in my wall... I take it that he means '4 out of 4 Stars.' I'm too afraid to ask if that's what he intended or if he was telling me that the Murasame Clan has put another hit out on me.)