The Lord of the Rings:
The Return of the King

The One-Ringed ROSSMAN

This movie shit my own pants for me. And I liked it.

Following this Lord of the Rings film trilogy has been one of the most hot-whore-fucking experiences of my entire life. The past 2 years have made me start counting down days to special moments again. I had forgotten what it's like to anticipate something so much, just for the sake of experiencing a major self-fulfilling and personal high. The Rings films gave that back to me. Though with these movies there has been no disappointment whatsoever, unlike Christmas mornings of years gone by, where the joy and electricity volting through me disappeared the moment all the presents were opened. These movies stay with me now, and make me want to watch them all over again. Over and over again.

My God! Peter Jackson is the greatest filmaker ever born or created by Hollywood! Nobody else would have been able to make these movies as perfect as he did. Spielberg would have made them too sappy, and he would have changed Tolkien's story around so that the swords turned into walkie talkies and the ring didn't need to be melted in Mt. Doom's belly, it just needed a hug. Lucas would have turned all the elves into ewoks, and Sam Raimi would have had waaaay too many unnecessary zooms on people's eyes and lips. Jackson was the only one who could have done this properly. Thank God that New Line Cinema saw that potential in him (and thank Satan that they didn't see Meet the Feebles before they gave the kiwi a couple of hundred million dollars to do his thing).

Anyway, on to the conclusion. Return of the King starts off with the story of the creation of Gollum, the halfling cursed with an obsession of all things precious. We see just how fucked up he truly is by the naughty things he did to Deagol and how he eats fish (i.e. raw and still twitching). Then we catch up to everybody just hours after the happenings of The Two Towers. Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Gandalf ride to the Tower of Orthanc and meet Merry and Pippin, who are feasting on the food left over from the orcs. Sam (the greatest friend anybody could ever hope for), Frodo and Gollum are on Mordor's doorstep, and with the bug-eyed one's lead, do their best to silently sneak into the land of darkness. Then bad shit happens. Reeeeally big bad shit. I'm talking giant spiders, flying dragon-like beasts, 10 story tall elephants, and an army of pissed off ghosts. But, there's one thing that the good guys are never short of (cliché as it might be): Hope.

Honestly, by the time "The End" appeared on the screen, I was exhausted. I felt like I had journeyed with Sam and Frodo through the fiery hell of Mordor and up the ashen slopes of Mt. Doom. I was tired from watching Gandalf hold everybody in the white city together while their king went all Margot Kidder on his subjects. I was completely drained after riding into battle with Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas as they and the Army of the Dead plowed through the minions of Sauron. And, to be honest, I was ready for a nap after Samwise closed his hobbit door for the last time.

The best word that I can describe Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy with is "epic". It's so epic that it puts all other epics to shame. Think of another "epic" movie (or series of movies) and compare it/them directly to the LotR. Lawrence of Arabia is a day at the beach. Braveheart (though still cut-ass rugged) is a quick vacation to the British Isles. The Last Samurai.... well that was kind of laughable from the beginning, but you get the idea. The Lord of the Rings is monumental. It's a huge, adventerous journey, an extended war, and a loooong recovery all rolled up into one 9+hour package. The Battle of Pelennor Field beats the ever living shit out of any battle I've ever seen filmed. Shaving Ryan's Privates' D-Day invasion is intense and impressive, but pretty small. We don't get a grand feel for it. The aformentioned Braveheart has some incredible (and definitely more bloody) combat sequences, but again they are dwarfed (pun intended) by Pelennor.... Don't even joke by trying to compare Cruise's Samurai to anything Ringsian. That's just disrespectful.

So, now what? For the past 6 or so years the entire internet geekdom and I have been following news about Jackson's trilogy with a watchful eye on top of a dark tower. From the time that the project was first announced, to the beginning of filming, to the premiere of The Fellowship, all the way to Dec. 17, 2003, when the story came to a close. No more hobbitses. No more rings of power. No more cloaked Ring Wraiths doing their bad ass thing. No more Frodo or Sam. No more hottie Arwen. No more guessing what they may have changed from the original book. No more counting down the days till the next chapter in the story.... Damn! I have a pretty empty life. Hmmmmm, I guess that it's a good thing that it's all over. Now I can go out on weekends again and try to get chicks drunk instead of trying to figure out why the filmmakers refused to put the "scouring of the Shire" sequence at the end of the 3rd movie. Drunk chicks are always more entertaining than bearded dwarves anyway..

So, what did I think of The Return of the King? A jizz-inducing finalé to the greatest adventure story ever told. 5 out of 5 MegaPlayboy Ninja Stars of Destruction (he let me borrow them for this review). My, how I will miss those hobbits. Now, if only Peter Jackson would get off his ass and make the original book, The Hobbit, his next project after Kong. Then I would die a happy man. A lonely one, maybe, but a happy one nonetheless.

The Return of the CHI-CHI

I just wish the Rossman told me this was a 6 hour goddamn movie before we went to see it. Seriously, I had like a couple of dozen pints at the Sea Wench Pub before we headed to the theater and I had to make like 7 or 8 pitstops throughout the whole thing. I should have just hooked my cock up to some sort of portable milking machine and be done with it. You know, bladder probs, no prob. Just hit the "on" switch and VRRRRRRRRRRRRR, all done. I tried the whole Depends thing before.. Let's just say that they're not built for endurance. Thank god that that trial run wasn't out in public and was only at the Rossman's house. I don't know what I drank before hand, but the volume and apparently the acidity of the piss just burned and then soaked the whole fuckin' sofa to high hell. I blamed everything on the dog. When he questioned "What dog?" I just mumbled something under my breath and ran the fuck away from there.

I'll give this movie a total of 8 pisses and one big old dump. Just because that's what I did during it's 17 hour run time. From what I saw of it it was cool, but bring an extra bladder and cancel all your plans for the week if you check it out.

The Nazgulish ROBOT PEDRO

So this is how the age of man came to be? Fuck them all. Soon the age of robots will rule the world... And some of the outer planets as well.

Poor dark lord. Dark lords always get the shaft in pitiful hu-man pieces of crappy entertainment. I did like that spider though.

I give this King a robotic thumb up for showing us a cool spider that ate people. That was pretty sweet.