Meet the Feebles

The Muppet-Lovin' ROSSMAN

Muppets on crack. There, I just summed up Meet the Feebles in three words. But you know what, Peter Jackson's puppet opus deserves so much more than just three words, so I'll review the whole damn thing right now in order to show my total appreciation for his beyond fucked up mind... That and I've got a half an hour to kill.

I first saw Meet the Feebles back in 1992 on a 6th generation video tape that my friend had stolen from his big brother's crackhead roommate. It turned out to be the most satisfying case of petty theft that I ever had the pleasure of being involved in. We watched it at around 2 in the morning early one Saturday, and even though I had never gotten high in my life, after watching those puppets fuck, shoot up, and kill the living shit out of eachother, I was pretty sure that I knew what the woozy feeling of drugginess was like. It was a mind bending experience to say the least.

Meet the Feebles is all about a variety show put on by puppets (there is not one human character in the entire movie. It's alllllllll puppet). The Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour has been picked up by a national television network, and Bletch (the giant walrus in charge of the whole shebang) wants everything to be perfect so that a full season contract can be signed. The only problem is that nothing is going right. That's the cleanest synopsis I could write about this movie. If you're offended by the terms "puppet tits," "muppet crackheads," and "fucking puppet brains all over the walls" then I recommend that you leave this page now. I'm about to get into the nitty gritty of what Meet the Feebles is all about.

Bletch thinks he has it good. His very popular variety show is going prime time and his drug trafficking trade is doing smashing business too. Unfortunately for him most of his performers have problems of their own. Not just any problems, mind you, but seriously fucked up problems. I mean, these puppets are more screwed up than most recovering alkies who like to shoot up with crack whores while slamming their dicks in the door every Monday through Friday (just not on the weekends, cause those are family days). There's a rabbit who likes to get promiscuous with the ladies and who might just have caught "the big one" the day before the big televised show goes on the air. There's the Vietnam vet frog who's so smacked out on goofballs that he's having a little trouble with his knife-throwing act. There's the assistant to Bletch, Trevor the rat, who lost his leading male in the porno he was shooting in the theater basement when it accidentally became a snuff film. And then there's Heidi the hippo. Heidi is Bletch's long time lover and the star of the Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour. And she has an eating disorder. And a death wish.

A new performer, Robert, the hedgehog, shows up and we're introduced to everything through his eyes. We see the dirt and slutty shenanigans that go on behind the scenes of the famous act. Anyway, Bletch is trying to keep his cast and crew under control in the hours leading up to his show going live coast to coast, while trying to keep his affair with the siamese cat, Samantha, a secret from Heidi (who's the last to know about her cheating lover's taste for pussy pussy). Puppet shit starts to hit the fan when the sleazy tabloid reporter, FW, the fly, starts digging deep into what makes the Feebles run... In between his meals of eating puppet excrement... Literally... With a spoon.

Also during all this, Bletch's drug supplier is trying to fuck him up his bloated walrus ass with powdered bleach while his show's director, Sebastion, the flamboyant fox, is trying to get Bletch to allow him to sing his self written ode to sodomy ("Sodomy! You must think it very odd of me!") as the closing number to the nationwide broadcast. Then there's Heidi's eating binges and suicide attempts and the elephant who doesn't believe that his chicken lover's baby is his. And we mustn't forget Robert's infatuation with Lucille, a chorus dog, and how that all gets flushed down the crapper when Trevor drugs her and tries to "audition" her for his newest porno. That's all normal shiznit though compared to the grand finale of the whole movie when Heidi--... No. I won't ruin it for you. That's just something you have to see for yourself. Granted, knowing about it won't truly ruin your enjoyment/disgust of this puppet epic any, but just seeing everything with your own two eyes without any prior knowledge of the final catastrophe that occurs will get a standing ovation out of you. I guarantee it.

So, what did I think of the freaky puppet show, Meet the Feebles? I find that I have to give it an extremely worthy 70.0547 out of 70.34 Rossman points of violence and felt bloodshed. The only problem that I had with this movie at all was that goddamn theme song. Whenever you just think about it the damn thing will be stuck in your head for at least 4-5 hours. "Meet the Feebles! Meet the Feebles! We're not your average, ordinary people! Meet the Feebles! Meet the Feeeeeeeebles!" CHRIST!!!!!

Meet the CARL

Holy sweet Moses! When I first saw Meet the Fucking Feebles I could have sworn that Kermit and Piggy decided to say "Suck my piggy titties" to the world at large and just do the wild thing while Gonzo, Dr. Teeth, Skeeter and Rolf started sniffing glue and making things explode for the sake of the pretty lights in the background! Wow! The Feebles are just the kind of puppets that I wish I had when I was a fucking kid. Who knows how normal and what-the-fuck I may have turned out?

Any fucking way, when the Rossman made me sit down to watch a "puppet show" my first reaction was PAIN! See, I am not a child or gay! Or a gay child! Or a priest! Shit. But then after I saw my first puppet blowjob I apologized to the Rossman and removed my boot from his ass so that he could sit down and enjoy the movie too.

What a fucking ride!!! I mean that. Fuck Jenna! Fuck Kobe! Fuck Terra! Gimme cat on walrus action any day! Yeah, fuckers, you heard me right!

Man, watching a bunny rabbit blow up into a rain of meat is something that I wish everybody could witness every minute of every day. Not all the time, but like once a minute every day would be enough. And if you wanted to see it happen more than that, well, then more power to you! Fucking A, man! The violence in this movie was sooooo glorious! If only they used real animals and not muppets. Then it would have been better than having sex while shooting somebody in real life!!

Meet the Feebles made the Monkey of Madness "Eek Eek" for joy and throw his feces with delight! That means that I endorse it with a hearty Carl Thumbs Up! Bring on the paaaaain, you goddamn pervy muppets!

The Never Feeble SATAN

When I had Jim Henson create those felty and fucked up muppets of his all those years ago, I was hoping that he would use them to corrupt the minds and souls of millions of retarded American youth in order to fill the pits of Hell with even more despair and fear. Instead he used his stupid frog and horny pig to teach kids how to read and he used a creature of the night, the Count, to teach kids how to count to ten with ridiculous Eastern European accents ("One, bwa ha ha, two, bwa ha ha, three, bwa ha ha!")

*SIGH* After a while I gave up hope, but then good old kiwi-native, Peter Jackson came along and fulfilled my evil little wish. He made a movie about puppets that would make the director of Taboo blush! I just knew I could count on the man who made Bad Taste for something.

Anyway, so I was happy about the idea that a movie that featured cute, fluffy puppets could royally screw up little Billy and Jenny's minds to the point of nightmares and madness... but then I saw the finished Feeble product. Sweet Jeesus! What the hell was Peter thinking! I had nightmares for a week after seeing that drugged up frog run through the jungles of 'Nam. I got all squeamish whenever I thought back on that terrible drug deal gone sour. I can no longer look at a hippo (one of the big guy's most insane and fabulously funny creations) and not think of Heidi's final swan song into infamy. I still have the sweats and it's been over a decade since I last saw this disturbing and demented flick. I swear to the son of God himself, the people at New Line never looked up this man's resume when they allowed him to make the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I'm sure the interview would have gone a little something like this:

-"So, Peter, bubbie... Tell us a little about what you want to do with Tolkein's classic and timeless tale of Middle Earth."

-"Well, I want to be as true to the source material as possible, and bring the emotional impact of Frodo's journey to the forefront as we travel with him into the heart of darkness on a mission that he has only a slight chance of fulfilling."

-"Good, good.... Hmmm, it says here on your papers that you made a puppet movie about giant sea mammals that like to fuck kitty cats...."

-"Yes... THEN I LIKE TO SHOOT THEM ALL AND BLOW THEM ALL THE FUCK UP!!! Heh-heh..."

-"...........Excuse me for a second. JANICE! Get me security."

After all is said and done I think I have to give Meet the Feebles a thumb up and a thumb down. It completely fucked me over, but I'm sure that it's screwed the pathetic little minds of little children everywhere when their uncaring parents rented it for them without reading the back of the box.