Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

This was the Spider-Man movie that I never knew that I needed.

I never knew that we needed ANY more Spider-Man movies. What is this, the 10th one in like 17 years?

Spider-Man - Into the Spider-Verse is one of the most weird, yet wonderful superhero movies that was ever fever-dreamed up (by Lord and Miller, the guys behind 21 and 22 Jump Street and the Lego Movie). It's crazy, it takes amazing chances that pretty much all pay off, and it just has a shit-ton of FUN with the entire premise and insane world that it builds.

Into the Spider-Verse was the first, and so far only, Spider-Man movie that FELT like an actual part of a gigantic comic book-like universe. The world felt huge, well-lived-in, and filled to the brim with heroes and villains. I loved the art style of the thing, the character interactions, and the CGI cinematography. In fact, the only thing that didn't actually "WOW" me was the main character, Miles Morales. Which I find weird.

You always thought that Miles was a dumb character though.

Not a dumb character, no. I always found that he was WRITTEN TERRIBLY in the comics though.

In the comics, Miles Morales is a whiny, kind of dumb kid with WAY too many super powers just handed to him and not earned. Whereas Peter Parker/Spider-Man is a funny, intelligent, and very likable protagonist who always uses his brains to get out of the dangerous situations that he finds himself in. Quite often, Peter'll even have his web-slingers broken or taken away from him, handicapping him even more, and making his wit and sharp tongue all the more important as he faces his arch-nemeses who plan to kill both him and lots of other innocents in the premises.

Yeah, and?

Comic book Miles is just an ever-complaining little douche who has the power of invisibility and asuper-powerful "venom blast," along with all his regular spider-powers gifted to him. Yet whenever he fights a bad guy (usually just leftover Peter/Spider-Man bad guys and never any new threats just for his series), he spends 98% of the fight running away like a pussy before remembering that he can turn invisible, sneak up on the bad guy, and then VENOM BLAST the fucking shit out of them, turning them into a pile of drooling mush. Every. Single. Fight. No brains needed.

Hmmmm, yeah, I guess that kind of was his M.O.

While Spider-Verse Miles is definitely more interesting, 100% less whiny, and infinitely more fun, but he's still the least quippy and entertaining of all the spider-people who inhabit this movie. Including 1960s "cartoon Spider-Man."

I can see that, I guess, but I don't think we're allowed to say that about the only black/Latino character in this thing, if you know what I mean.

Honestly, I would have no problem at all if the main character was Peter Parker in thoughts and action and heroics, except he was black. I just found that Miles was comparatively boring compared to the likes of Peter, Gwen, Peni, Spider-Ham, and Spider-Noir.

Well, let's just move on. What was Spider-Verse about?

The basic premise is this: Teenager Miles Morales is just your average, ordinary science geek who wins some sort of scholarship lottery in order to get into a private academy that his cop dad and nurse mom could never afford on their own. During his introduction to this new school world, Miles' shady as fuck Uncle Aaron takes the kid under his wing and introduces him to the world of graffiti-art and B&E. During one such "art lesson," Miles is bitten by some sort of genetically-altered/radioactive spider and of course becomes a spider-MAN of sorts.

In trying to find out more about why he has grown a couple of inches overnight and can now stick to walls, Miles returns to the underground tunnel (where he was tagging the walls with his uncle and got bit by that arachnid) only to find an epic Peter Parker/Spider-Man and Green Goblin fight taking place inside a vast superconducting, dimensional-portal-cavern built by the Kingpin for his secret nefarious schemes.

During the S-M vs GG battle, something goes horribly wrong, and a dimensional gap is opened wherein various spider-people get pulled into Miles' universe. Hilarity (and some spectacular and incredible action) then ensues as Miles and the motley collection of spider-peeps have to team up to stop the Kingpin from starting up his dimension gate again, which might destroy all of existence.

That does sound very comic booky.

It does, and in a very good way! Because it was animated, Spider-Verse could create a world that has set-pieces and action sequences that either couldn't be done or would look too silly in live action. Not to mention that they took the opportunity to cram in tons of heroes and villains (many of whom were just background characters) in order to make this world feel well established and (as I previously said) lived-in.

And I need to talk about the art style of this thing! From the earliest trailers I fell in love with the way the film makers decided to make the world look and how things moved. The world looks like a goddamn comic book brought to life! There are zip tones, wonderful angles, and some of the most imaginative shots that you've ever seen in moving frames. And the animation itself, it's like a weirdly-awesome mix of CGI and Studio Laika stop-motion animation. All the artists behind this thing have invented a new form of animation, and I want to suck their dicks because of their sensational accomplishment.

You say that about everything that you find to be slightly better than garbage though.

Hmmmm, I do say that quite a bit, don't I. Anyway, I loved pretty much everything about this movie, but I'm kind of surprised at the amount of people who were violently killed in this, a PG-rated movie. I can't talk about that any more without spoilers, and you don't want any for this movie. Trust me. I won't even spoil the after-credits scene, which is hilarious and great for multiple reasons.

Anything else you'd like to say before wrapping this up?

People are pissing themselves over how great they thought the soundtrack was, but it wasn't really my cup of tea.

That's about it. If you like comic book movies, this is the comic bookiest of them all.

In the end I find that I have to give Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse a 15.87 out of 16.99 Swingin' Stars of Stupendous Glory. It constantly flowed, had great characters and a very fun plot, and some of the most amazing CGI animation I've ever seen. Take the whole family! It's only PG, but it'll show everybody just how entertaining a superhero movie really can be. And hopefully it'll finally kill the bad taste in your mouths that Spider-Man 3, and the Amazing Spider-Man movies left.

Good lord! How many of these movies are there now?

I'm not really complaining though, since every time they release a new Spider-men movie it reminds me to get cracking on the whole human genome thing... So that I can create my own arachnid-hybrid. The last half-human, half-spider abomination ate Jimmy Jammer's cat. Not on purpose, mind you, but I suppose that was going to be my first use of it.

All I want for Christmas is a Spider-man that can do anything that I want it to... Spin a web, any size... Catch bank security guards just like flies... Rip the door to the bank vault off its hinges. You know, Christmassy stuff! Maybe they'll be a new Spider-men movie next year and it'll remind me to get on that.

Spider-Man this! Spider-Man THAT!... When is it Scott's turn?! When does SCOTT get a new, expensive movie all to himself? Even that hairy, stinkin' Canuck got something like three solo movies! It's not fair!

Professor! I want a movie all to myself! Well, maybe with Jean too... And make her wear a really skimpy outfit!

Boo to Spider-Man! I didn't even watch this thing. Why would I? It's probably just another origin story anyway.