The One

The One ROSSMAN
and his amigo, the One Wade

What makes a good movie? I've been wondering this for a long time now. I've pondered this predicament on many a sleepless night. And I think I finally have an answer.

What makes a good movie, you ask? Well, first of all you have to get Jet Li in it. That's pretty obvious. You need somebody to kick other people's asses for an hour and a half, and Jet's the best there is at what he does. Next you need a really hot red head who wears lots of tight outfits and just looks damn fine while she just stands there next to Jet as he kills people with his bare hands. Then you need a decent plot so that we can believe that Jet is killing those hundreds of people for a reason (which isn't 100% necessary, but it could only help the production). Then maybe some hot on-screen sex. Or at least some female nudity.

So, how does The One fare? Well, it does have Jet Li. And Jet does kick plenty of ass in some of the coolest fight scenes I've ever witnessed since The Matrix. It does have a pretty girl in it, but she's only hot for one quick scene in the "evil dimension" when she helps the "evil Jet" escape. There's no female nudity and the plot is weird and has lots of holes in it. Lots of holes. Big ones too. But in the end the fact that this movie has Jet in it and he fights against himself (in between the times he bitch-slaps cops with motorcycles) makes up for a lot of the negatives.

The One starts out with Jet Li killing Jet Li and it only gets cooler from there. Apparently there are an infinite amount of parallel universes around, and a bunch of those universes have already discovered how to jump around between them all. What's weird though is that there are only 125 universes in which Jet's character exists in. I did the simple math and figured that there should have been well over 150.

Anyway, so this one Jet Li figured out that if he killed all of the other Jet Lis in the other parallel universes he would grow stronger, faster, smarter, suaver and more manly. By the time we initially meet him he's already popped a cap up 123 of his own asses and he's able to jump 30 feet straight up, run 50 MPH, and punch and kick people in the air and then punch and kick them two more times before they hit the ground. He also gets to fight hisself kung-fu style in a huge finale that takes place in the same factory that Terminator 2's ending happened in. Watching Jet fight Jet in fast motion is the reason that cool computer effects were made! I honestly can't tell how they did it. There's no cheesy Parent Trap split screen going on. The camera constantly circles the two Jets as they fly through the air and ryu-ken eachother in the most rugged attempt to make a live action fighting game on the big screen.

Is The One a great movie? No. Hell no! Is it a really fun movie? Yes. Will you enjoy it? I dunno. Did you like The Matrix? Now ask yourself, would you still like The Matrix if it didn't have that much of a plot? Basically, that's what The One truly is. With shades of Highlander thrown in for good measure. And some Time Cop.

In the end I find that I must give The One 15 out of 20 Fighting Points of Justice. Any Jet Li movie (hell, even Black Mask) gets at least 12 just for having the smooth dude in it. Plus, this one technically had 125 Jet Lis in it! Now all Mr. Li has to do is work on getting people who know how to take a cool concept (like 2 Jets beating the shit out of eachother in a cool showdown where the laws of physics don't apply) and push it to the nineth degree while wrapping a nice story around it. With naked girls. Who have big ta-tas.

The Unfortunate One, KUNI

Yes!!! Fuck shit yes!! I am happy! I am happy so I lick my dog! My dog is dead, so I don't lick it real, but I still try!!

Jet Li is the coolest cunt spit in earth! Do not try to beat his face for he will make you eat cow shit. He is the One! He will do it to you and super!

I am love in The One. I love two Jet Li hit in the crotch! That is the supreme way!! Hit him, Jet!!!! Hit him with the balls and make him cry like squirrel baby!!!! Then Jet slap him back in the other bitch!! YES!!! Holy fuck god I like 2 Jet!!!! Pinch my penis with lips, bitch! Then you know!!

I am eternally powered from The One with Jet that I go now punch Robot Pedro and step on nads in pain!!! HIIIII-YAAAAAH!!!!

What do I say? I say that a Kuni thumb is what The One getting. Too much kicking? NO!!! Jet Li needs MORE kicking!! More faces kicked with shoes!!

The Demented One, Dr. DAVE

I nearly shit my Depends again when I saw this movie with the Rossman! It was pretty unbelievable. All of the amazing things that they were able to do in this film blew my mind.

First of all, I have no idea how they were able to pull an evil Jet Li out of "the evil dimension" so easily. And when they finally got him over to our world, did they have to teach him how to fight like our good Jet Li? I mean, he was from the evil universe (i.e. the opposite universe). Since Jet Li here is a martial arts god, I would only assume that the evil Jet (though evil in thoughts just as our Jet is pure and nice) is a total pussy. He must have freaked out every time his doppleganger threw a punch at him! Ho ho ho ho!! That would have been a sight to see!

Evil Jet Li: "So, I just stand here? Is that what you want, you assholes?!"

Good Jet Li: "Yeah, just stand there and hold your fists up. Just like that, good!"

Evil Jet Li: "Feh! This isn't so bad, you cock-knockers! But let's hurry this up because I have to get back to my dimension to watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show with my gay lover before he tries t- HOLY SHIT!! You just tried to hit me!!! You evil fucker!!"

Good Jet Li: "Actually, you moron, I'm the Good Jet. Get it straight and get ready to get punched through the brain for the camera."

Ho ho ho ho!!! Oh man, that would have been priceless. I'm sure that since the Evil Jet Li didn't know martial arts they probably always just used him as the Jet who got punched, whether it be the good or bad one.

The One was pretty nifty. I wish that Arnold and Bruce Willis would team up to fight their evil kung fu clones after seeing this! Man, what a ride that would be. I give The One a thumbs up. It's a thinking man's movie.