The Legend(s) of Zelda(s)

Many moons ago, when I was but a wee lad caught in the clutches of grade school, I came across a video game that changed my life forever! It taught me to think in brave new ways, to use items that I found around me to beat certain death-trap puzzles that life may throw at me, and that if I blow up somebody's front door they will take the money for repairs from me whether I like it or not. Yes, I speak of The Legend of Zelda.

I vividly remember receiving both the original Legend of Zelda and Zelda II - The Adventure of Link for Christmas in '88. It took me a week to beat the first quest of the original Zelda, and another to put the smack down on the second quest. Zelda II took a bit longer. About 3 weeks (that last temple was a bitch and a half! Just getting there always wasted 1 of my lives). But I digress. I was first introduced to the world of Zelda (the ever captive princess), Link (the oddly dressed elf with a burning hatred towards pigmen and for some reason chickens), and Ganon (the prince of darkness, in manimal form) through a school chum of mine, David Schaemel (I have no idea if I spelled that right... it's been years since I saw him last). One day he showed up at school giddier than usual, and he was usually known for squealing like a 6 year old girl when the mood hit him right. Anyway, Steve Littleton and I approached him and asked him, "Yo, Dave, why you be all namby pamby this morn, foo'?" To which he answered, "Zelda, Zelda, ZELDA! Which... way... to... go?!?! Octorocks! Leevers!!!" I reported him to the teacher after that, but Dave forgave me and allowed me to come over to his house after school that day to see what the hell he was babbling about.

Well, the hell he was rambling on about was the original Nintendo Entertainment System's The Legend of Zelda game, in all it's 8-bit glory. It simply blew my fucking mind. At the time, there had never been anything even close to it's sweetness. Sure, I had already fallen in love with Samus Aran and her KY jelly mortal foe, the Metroid by the time that Zelda hit our shores, but this was such a totally new experience. Nobody even saw it coming (Don't forget that this was years before the flood of crappy video game magazines and the whole world wide web of whorish spoilers came along, and we only became aware of shit like video games and movies once they were released). It hit the U.S. square in the jaw like a sack of bricks. But the pain was a good one.

The story line for the series goes a little something like this (spoilers for pussies who haven't beaten all the games yet)... And keep in mind that this is all from memory because I'm too damn lazy to look this shitake up on any of the countless Zelda sites in existence out there:

Once upon a time, the peaceful Kingdom of Hyrule found itself under attack by the Prince of Darkness, Ganon, who had wanted the sacred treasure of Hyrule all for himself. That "sacred treasure" would be the Triforce (a magical triumverate of triangles that, when brought together, could make the user's dreams come true... Whether they be nice or naughty dreams). Ganon was only able to grab one of the Triforceseses though, before Princess Zelda broke apart the second one (the third stayed hidden until Zelda II) and hid it in 8 dungeons across the land, each one filled with more ferocious beasts and hideous puzzles than the previous. Then Link, the boy in green with the pointy ears, came a wandering into town, heard of Zelda's plight, found out she was a babe and decided to help kick Ganon's portly pig ass back to the Dark World from whence he came. And he did.

Then came ZII. Link decided to stick around and help rebuild Hyrule after Ganon had been killed the fuck dead. Apparently Zelda wasn't putting out any, even after all he did for her and her people, and he still needed some massive brownie points to get into her royal panties. Soon it was discovered that Link had a destiny, and a picture of the Triforce on his hand! Impa, Zelda's nursemaid, informed the elfy hero that only he and he alone could rescue yet another Princess Zelda who'd been cursed by her arrogant, stupid brother and an evil magician a long time ago for refusing to give up the triangular power to him. She was put into a deep sleep and basically forgotten for a few millennia, despite the fact that all princesses of Hyrule since her were named in her honor... Go fig. Anyway, Link went out into the wilds of Hyrule yet again in order to find the final Triforce, the Triforce of Wisdom (the Forces of Power and Courage were already safe thanks to Link in the first game). After rafting the sea and getting through some pretty damn frustrating palace/dungeons (that the royal Hyrulians themselves built) and planting some magic crystals in some giant statues, Link made his way to the final, Golden Palace, where he had to fight a fabulous thunderbird and at last his own shadow... Which turned out to be a real wuss. Then some old guy who'd evidentally been waiting there for a few thousand years gave our boy the gold-plated polygon and he rushed home to awaken the enchanted Zelda and FINALLY get some princessy poontang... They never do settle which Zelda is to rule the kingdom now that there are two. There was probably a bloody coup d'etat by Link and the old Z which more than likely crushed the tight pussy regime of the younger princess. Good. Fuck that tightwad, and let it be a lesson to all of you! If some strange dude appears from out of nowhere and saves not only you but your entire empire by his lonesome, and all he asks for in return is a little mokori (i.e. nookie), for the love of Gods, just give him a piece!

ZIII jumped back a few hundred years before the first two stories took place. It seems that some lame wizard dude, Agahnim, was taking over control of Hyrule by brainwashing the King and kidnapping lots of helpless maidens (note, this is not the same evil wizard who took control of the Prince and Kingdom in that story that was told by Impa in ZII... I don't think, but maybe they were cousins or lovers or something. They both seem to have the whole "raise your arms in a terror pose" thing down). Link (supposedly an ancestor to the Link in ZI and ZII) was awakened one night by the dream plight of that era's Princess Zelda, who was trapped in Hyrule Castle's dungeon. Link then proceeded to rescue the saucy Princess because his inept warrior-class Uncle couldn't even make it past the mice in the Castle's sewers. But soon Zelda was stolen away when Link's moronic back was turned and she was sent with the other six maidens (descendants of the original 7 wise men who originally fought the original Dark Lord Ganon) to the Dark World, which was previously known as the Golden Land, where the Triforce was created... or something. The point is this, soon Link had to jump between the two worlds (his original Light World and the newly opened Dark World) in order to save the 7 maidens and stop Ganon once and for all... Despite the fact that several hundred years later pig boy ends up coming back anyway.

After Link restored order to the Golden Land and the Light World, he decided to take a little trip. He inexplicably hopped on a shitty little boat and sure enough got shipwrecked on a disturbing little island named Koholint. There he met a clone of Zelda, a talking wise ass owl, and a giant egg that housed the "Wind Fish" that turned out to be a flying whale. In case you were wondering, yes, this was all a mushroom and coke induced dream... except for the singing, flying whale, which really sang and flew.... Yeeeeeeeeeeah. ZIV was fun to play and all, but it was trippy.

Onward to ZV, The Ocarina of Time. We jump backwards in time yet again to just a few hundred years after the creation of Hyrule by 3 nymphomaniac goddesses (well, we're not told for certain that they were nymphos, it's just a kinky feeling I got). These deitic babes were a little unstable though, and they left the tres Triforces just lying around as a symbol of their power. Soon an evil man from the desert (duh duh DUUUUUUUUH, Ganondorf, before he became unhuman and swiney) arrived in Hyrule, and it was up to the first Link to work with the first Princess Zelda (that we know about) to stop him. Unfortunately Link and Zelda were but children at the beginning of the game, and also unfortunately Link had the most annoying sidekick EVER, the fairy Navi, bugging the living hell out of him by shouting "HEY!" every 3 seconds just to get him to pay attention to her pouty, glowing, and pert ass. But back to the story. Link gathered 3 sacred gems from the Goron rock people, the Zora water people, and the Deku Tree in order to do something or another, and then he ran into Ganondorf as the desert dude chased after Zelda and a new and improved warrior Impa (who again appeared to be an early re-incarnated character, if that is indeed possible). Link then tried to fulfil his destiny by activating the Master Sword (which has made an appearance in most of the games in the series), but fucked up and fell into some kind of suspended animation which was just a McGuffin Device in order to fit an adult Link into the story. Adult Link, who somehow had a new change of clothes, and his pony Epona, then had to gather the 7 sacred sages together in order to do something to stop the desert pig man from screwing up his town even more than he already had. It turned out that the 7 wise men from ZIII were the first Zelda, a hot fish girl, a rock man, a chick from Ganondorf's desert tribe, Impa, some Time Master guy, and Link's elfy girlfriend from back before he slept for 7 years in cold sleep!... Despite the fact that all of the maiden descendants from ZIII were 100% human and not fish or rock in the least. Anyway, Ganon was stopped and locked away in the Golden Land in what was to be known as the Imprisoning War, and Link went back in time to when he was a kid and none of the entire game could have happened because of Doc Brown's theory of time travel. But whatever.

ZVI was Majora's Mask. And it was lame. It seems that after Link saved the world in Ocarina of Time he went on a journey of enlightenment, just like his descendent in ZIV. And just like his descendent bad shit happened to him when he tried to find his inner self, or some other worthless crap like that. Some guy called the Skull Kid stole Link's Ocarina of Time and Epona and brought our hapless hero to the doomed world of Termina, who's moon would fall to the planet in 3 days time... God how I loathe timers in games! That was always why I liked all the previous Zeldas! You could wander around and explore as much as you wanted to without a clock ticking away in your face! UGH!.... Anyway, with the help of a bunch of magical masks and some new friends who eerily echoed Hyrulian peoples we'd already met, Link was able to win the day and save the something or another. Blah blah blah.

ZVII and VIII then happen at around the same time and Link (I'm guessing the Link from Ocarina and Majora though it's never discussed, like when your aunt touches you where your bathing suit covers.... you don't talk about it, but you like it) gets caught up in setting right both the time stream and the seasons themselves. The two witches who were killed in the desert temple in Ocarina are back, as is the big bad pig himself, Ganon. But you have to get through both games to get to him. Not much to really tell here, VII and VIII were both pretty straight forward.

Then another few hundred years passed, placing us in between ZVIII and ZIII, and once again Hyrule fell into dark times (think Kevin Costner's WaterWorld). Ganon had figured out how to leave the Golden Land a few lifetimes before the original storyline told us he did, and an evil wind began to blow through the land. Hyrule was flooded by the retarded goddesses who created the world in the first place, and the current Zelda was in hiding... Again. This time she was a pirate though, and not a faggy looking harp-playing dude like in Ocarina. ZIX, the Wind Waker, bucked a lot of the traditional storylines, but unfortunately it felt that it had to bring back Ganon, the Triforce, and lots of boss enemies who fought in the exact same manners as previous enemies did. By this time even the reincarnated Link was beginning to grow tired of tradition. But he fought on with the help of his talking ship, a magical baton that controlled the wind, and his lovable Grandma. The kicker of Wind Waker was that it wasn't originally Zelda who needed rescuing, but Link's little sister, Aryll... who just so happened to look almost exactly like Zelda. I swear, Freud would have a field day with Link's infatuation with Zelda's many forms! He traveled through temporal folds and parallel worlds to see her and rescue her time and time again. And I'm sure he employed some sort of primitive cloning experimentations on his own mother so that his sister would be born an exact duplicate of his eternally doomed desired one. What a perv.
After all was said and done and Ganon was predictably defeated by Link once more and again with feeling, the world was still flooded and all of the previous timelines seem to be royally fucked up with no apologies. But hey, it's a bleedin' video game made by the same country that thinks that porno with tentacle rape is good for the whole family. Honestly, what'd you expect.

Whew! Now to get down brass/gold tacks. Zelda I set the bar high. Higher than high, actually. It was so innovative for its time (and even still today)! The ability to gain and use a vast amount of weapons and tools in order to progress through each level was never seen or done with such panache before (fuck Mega Man!). The use of heart containers, warping flutes, battery back up, gigantic overworld AND underworld maps, puzzles that stretched your mind but didn't injure it, a second more challenging quest after the first defeat of Ganon, and the use of dungeon bosses were never seen before in such a brilliant light! My old friend David was right, The Legend of Zelda was the most perfect game that the NES would ever produce. Plus it had the coolest theme music ever. In fact, I've had that musak on a loop in my brain for close to 15 years now, and I've yet to grow tired of it.

The first Zelda was such a hyper huge hit that its sequel was rushed into production... This turned out to be the series' biggest fucking fubar mistake. The Adventure of Link was a fun game, don't get me wrong, but it forgot what made the original Zelda so Nicole Kidman-fucking incredible. The huge list of weapons and items was basically forgotten for the sake of magics that the now adult Link could learn. There were villages throughout Hyrule now, in an attempt to RPG-up the game, but that was most assuredly not what Zelda was all about. The worst and baddest mistake made with the sequel was the removal of the overhead perspective. Now Link was in 2D Mario World. ZII was a side scroller. And a nation of children cried out in pain. Not only that, but puzzles were all but done away with, Link could literally turn himself into a fairy, and the game challenge level rose through the roof! Nintendo had taken a great storyline and game and then given us its mongoloid little brother as an afterthought just to rake in a few more dollars.

ZIII: A Link to the Past was released over 4 years after ZII. But it was sooooooo worth the wait. The look of the original Zelda was back, and she was beautifully spruced up in a 16-bit world on the Super Nintendo. Not only was the game gorgeous to look at but most importantly it was fun to play! I remember spending many a sleepless and dateless high school night playing through the Light and Dark Worlds of ZIII. And once again, I never regretted a second of it! All of the secret items to be found, the trillion or so heart containers spread throughout the land, the complex yet easy to understand puzzles and all of the love and attention to detail that came pouring out of my TV screen every time I turned it on totally took my breath away. I mean, you could cut the grass with your sword to find things in it! That was ingenious! Not to mention the fact that it had a monkey in the storyline. Everybody knows that monkeys make anything better than they would be if they were simian-free.

Link's Awakening was the first Zelda game for the Game Boy. People were expecting something on par with the first Zelda in regards to gameplay and graphics, so we were all completely surprised that it in fact was almost a cookie cut copy of the SNES ZIII, just with new dungeons, cool weapons and tough puzzles.

Then we had the Ocarina of Time. It took an eternity to get out, but it was oompa loompaly worth it! Sure, with the jump from overhead perspective to a full blown 3D realized world a lot of the enemy encounters were left out, but the puzzles were amped up to eleven! The entire world that Link ran around in while wearing his dainty tights was enormous, and there were two versions of it, just like in ZIII. There was a past and present (or present and future, whichever). The horse, Epona, was a nice edition to the game too, as it made crossing the main Hyrule field a bit easier and faster later on in the game. One of the most rugged nuevo featuros of ZV was the passage of time. And by that I'm not talking about Link jumping from past to present and vice versa, but the passing of day to night and back again. Quite a few brain teasers were based on what time of day it was and some enemies only came out at night. The only problem with this game was that it basically dismissed most of the plot laid out in the first few games in the Zelda series... but I'll just wait till I get about the Wind Waker to get into that discussion.

Holy shit, this is really dragging on, so let me just say that Majora's Mask was a complete copy of Ocarina (nothing new at all), and the Oracle of Seasons and Ages games were both cut and pasted from Link's Awakening (just made by Capcom and overseen by Nintendo, curiously enough). NOW, on to the Wind Waker....

Where to start?... Well, ZIX was a fun game. I enjoyed playing it very much. I lost at least 7 full nights of sleep on this puppy. The cell shaded, cartoon-like graphics were a very nice touch, and the choice to make this Zelda game a bit more lighthearted than Ocarina was appreciated. Now for the problems. You travel across an ocean to wherever you want to go. A goddamn ocean. It literally takes 3-4 minutes of complete sailing to go from island to island. That's 3-4 minutes of doing absolutely squat but watching a little green elf in a boat. What the fucking hell was Nintendo thinking?! Sure, things become a trifle bit easier when you learn to warp from place to place, but if you want to get more bombs, medicine or hearts early on in the game you have to travel for (literally, in game time) days on end. That just plain sucks!

Buuuut, that is my only real gripe about Wind Waker (well, other than the plot, which completely rapes everything we've been told about the entire Zelda legend through the previous 8 games. "New Hyrule?"... gimme a fucking blowjob!). You get a better targeting system than in Ocarina, more attacks to unleash with your sword, a lot more puzzling puzzles to work your way through, and a sense of humor about the whole situation that has been missing since ZIII. All in all a great capper to an incredible series.... and the longest review I've ever even thought of typing.

What did I think of The Legends of Zeldas? So far I've played and conquered all nine official and REAL Zelda games over the course of my pathetic lifetime (some with two quests even), and all of them rocked my world in a way that I thought only Terra Patrick could. Never before (or more than likely since) had/would mankind witness(ed) such console-gaming perfection. I have many incredigorgeous memories tied into this series that it will always stay with me until I contract old peoples' disease and forget my children's names as I lay in a pile of my own waste in some retirement home just praying for a loveless God to take me. I give the LegendS of Zelda a 26 out of 26.87 Points of Courage, Wisdom and Power. It would have gotten more if it weren't for Link's LAME Adventure.

And in case you were wondering, my rankings of the Zelda games are in the following order: ZI is the best, followed by ZIII, ZV, ZIX, ZVII + ZVIII, ZIV, ZVI and lastly, ZII.

(FYI, the Phillips CD-i games, The Faces of Evil, The Wand of Gameleon, and Zelda's Adventure NEVER HAPPENED. No matter what anybody might try and tell or show you. They were never real.

Also FYI, yeah, the continuity of the Zelda games is really fucked up. I am quite sure that I did not tell it correctly, so don't even try to correct me, you lifeless piece of shit you.)

I still can't believe how much time my brother has wasted on these games. Not only playing them, but writing that whole damn review you see above this one. Just to save your sanity and time, I plan to be as brief as possible here.

I'll give the Zelda games a thumbs up for keeping the Rossman so busy while growing up that when he played them he didn't bother me so much. But on the other hand, I doubt that I'll ever get any nieces and nephews out of him if he doesn't put down that controller and try to get some drunk slut knocked up over at the Sea Wench Pub.

WARNING: I've never seen Kuni this excited over anything before! Even when he found that hole in his closet that let him see into his sister's bathroom he was more subdued than this. When Kuni gets excited he loses all control of his bowels and his English vocabulary. Not even I could understand his review enough to fix it up any, so I just left it in its entirety. Good luck!

Legend of the Zelda is very large, it is the super game series. That takes in more super time of my pornography collection. Sometimes Kuni has chosen on the controller when being the I which was found and first is released. Before I touch the controller, occasionally I wash my hand after pornography too! That to me the Zelda dearly high is which rank. The Zelda was my bitch. As for her to love Kuni, as for me she was spanked hard. And she asked many for that always. That exactly is a kind of woman she who always is: Cheap. Certainty, the princess of the extreme Mario Brother was easy, but, she really was not clean with no panties. As for me to take her out in the public who never does not have the sack on her head. That was the sad story.

I have the Legend of the Zelda good points for the thing which very is kind to me is good. Me my penis. My Kuni penis appreciates very much because of the Zelda boobies. And I sleeped with that old woman with the potions in the forest. She was extremeness excessively sexy.