Harry Potter
(and the Philosopher's Stone, and the Chamber of Secrets, and the Prizoner of Azkaban, and the Goblet of Fire)

The Warlock ROSSMAN

Honestly, I didn't know what to expect when I started the Potter Quatrology. I began reading them because of a promise I was tricked into making to a retarded Mexican boy with an ass tumor the size of Taiwan. He seemed to think that he'd be able to beat the softball proportioned cancer and make a full recovery if I read all 4 of the available Hogwarts adventures that Harry Potter and his pals participated in. Unfortunately within a week of me finishing the final book, my little Central American amigo had to have a full buttrectomy. The pictures would make you cry.

So's not to waste the only time in my adult life where in I actually read something with more text than a centerfold's "turn ons", I thought I'd review these novels for you.

It all starts out in a kind of an Oliver Twistian sort of way. At least it might. I never read Oliver Twist so I really can't compare it too well. He was an orphan though, right? And he was British. I think. Well, that's what Harry Potter is. Plus he's a wizard. He doesn't know he's a wizard though. But neither did Ollie.

Anyway, Harry gets invited to leave his "ugly and cruel" Uncle and Aunt (aren't they all) behind in order to go to Hogwarts Witching and Wizarding School in North England... Never mind the fact that his relatives have done their best to raise the ungrateful little bastard since he was one year old without so much as a "thank you". At the school our protagonist meets Herminniny.... Harmmynione... Herbertmanny... a girl and a boy (the boy's name is Ron). They become his best friends. They pick on fellow students religiously (the horror that Draco Malfoy has to put up with due to their unending tauntings is almost unbearable), and make it a habit to never obey the rules that the school masters have carefully laid out for them. Over the course of the four Potter books that I read, Harry and his friends deliberately broke no less than 45 major regulations leveed upon them by their instructors for their own good. They were almost killed no less than 18 times due to their insanity and stupidity too.

Back to the books. The first one (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone) is all about Harry, Ron and Hermantitus' first year at Hogwarts. They proceed to bully around the wimps and make friends with the half giant groundskeeper (who probably eats the ground-up bones of their unfortunate victims of their unnecessary violence in order to hide the evidence). They make a mockery of Professor Snape's Potions Class again and again, and they watch in glee as an evil dark wizard feasts on the pure blood of unicorns. But Harry and Co. get away scot free in the end because they by mistakenly kill an even bigger bad guy than themselves. So of course they're praised as heroes for that.

Book two (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) is everybody's second year at school. Finally, Harry gets some retribution delivered to his patronizing ass in the form of Dobby the house elf. Dobby makes Harry's life a living hell for a year in the name of justice. There's also a big snake and a secret chamber of torment and sexual depravity.

Book three (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) takes place during the gang's third year at the wizarding academy. Harry laughs maniacally in the face of danger like the git that he is, all the while an escaped prisoner who was known to have followed the dark warlock, Voldemort, hunts him down like a dog... Which is ironic because a dog is pretty important to the plot in this one. Harry and Ron also team up to insult and HATE their supposed other friend, Herpesione, because she thinks that their lives may be in danger and ruins some of their wicked fun. A werewolf, a cat and rat play some interesting beastiality-filled parts too.

And finally, book four (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) has Harry cheating his way through a wizarding competition in order to win the ultimate glory of the magic world, the Triwizard Cup of Power and Light and Glory. It's amazing how much he defrauds his elders and rivals in order to seek the exultation that he most certainly does not deserve. Plus he loses his would-be-girlfriends (both Cho and Hemincotti) to God-fearing rivals. There is a really dark ending to this book though, which is the only thing that made me smile. Soon, Harry's entire world will be crushed and burnt to a cinder because of his total stupidity in the the previous novel.

In the end, I feel that Harry Potter is the world's biggest smeghead. He believes that everybody else owes him big time because when he was almost killed when he was a baby. Harry Potter also makes kids worship the Devil. That's evil. The author, J.K. Rowling, should just do us all a favor and finish the tadger off before he causes any more pure hearts to turn to the dark side.

What did I think of Harry Potter? It deserved a thirty seven and 1223/2835ths out of 45 points of literary dyslexia. Yeah, Harry was a right bastard and all, but his wicked enterprises into the world of magic and mischief were still king of dancy and prancy. The only thing that left me wondering was how to spell and pronounce Herrmititty's name.

The review for the fifth, sixth and seventh books of the Potthead series can be found here.

The Evil One

EVIL.

Yes, Harry Potter is one of my most evil inventions used to corrupt the world's easily swayable youth. Now, more than ever, they rush off to attend dark masses and study how to summon my minions to do their bidding and their homework at the cost of their immortal souls!

They are just so darn gullible! It's amazing, all I did for this one was whisper into Rowling's ear about how she should move out of her car and start her own devil worshiping cult based upon a fictitious wizard named Harry Potter. Well, she took my idea and just ran with it! I am thoroughly impressed. If only more of my followers could give 100% like she did, then I'd be the basis of the largest religion on the planet!!

What's even more evil about the whole Potter thang is Quidditch, the Sport of Wizards. It's like basketball on broomsticks, but with 4 balls in motion instead of one. What makes this game twisted and wicked is the fact that Rowling made the point system so ridiculously retarded that not even rocket scientists could explain it properly.

Okay, a team gets 10 points for getting the big flubble-du-wubble ball through the opponent's circle-goal. But then you get 150 points for catching that golden snippit-di-wippit ball, which also ends the game.... Sooooo, unless you're just a complete moron at math it basically means that your team wins when you catch the golden winged ball. Well, unless you guys suck and are more than 160 points in the hole. So why not just sic one guy or girl against another to chase the damn flying sphere down? Make it like Battle Bots and have spikes and giant hammers and floating buzzsaws and shit try and rip them to shreds while they do it too. Then I'd watch it as religiously as Living Single.

What I love about this though is that nobody has questioned this scoring system at all! They all praise Harry and Quidditch as if they were the second coming of Pele. Oh well, it just makes my hellish take over of Earth that much easier.

For all intents and purposes I will give Harry Potter a 2 out of 4 Evil Fires of Judgement. Yes, the black arts that Harry worships are sinful indeed, but Quidditch is just too stupid a game to like.

The Wicca JAIME
and her Whippa'd KIFF

Jaime:
I really didn't like Harry Potter and his heinous and magical friends all that much, especially after Carl locked both Kiff and I in that house with the Pagan Club on the night of the Resurrection Ceremony of Ichulpa Retisthom. There were like 30 cloaked figures in that dark place and they were pretty pissed when my Shnookie Lumps accidentally tipped over the blood of the virgin pig that they needed to bring their god of Destruction and Feces back to his right mind. That was when they had the 8 foot tall skeletal demon-god try and suck my boy toy's essence through his anus.

Thank Oprah that I already locked his soul up in my safe deposit box at the Bank of America down the street.

I give the Harry Potter books a thumbs down for telling kids that it's okay to pray to evil.

Kiff:
Soooooooooo thirsty..... My soulless body cannot be refreshed.... Need the blood of a pixie to revive me from this horrible near death waking slumber that I experience and suffer through every second of every day..... Please release me from this HELL....

Thumbs down....... Mermaid urine might free me too... I'm not sure...