Issue #17: State of the Union

Okay, you fucks. Let's get serious for a moment here. Now, we've all had our fun over the years, but the topic I bring to you today is really important.
Christ, Link, stop humping that goddamn Dodongo! It's obvious he doesn't like it.
Awwwwwww man... He looked happy. thank you... *shiver*
Besides, it's my turn to "ride Bam-Bam".
SHUT THE FUCK UP! God! Okay, now pay attention, our very futures may ride on what answers we come up with during today's discussion.
What's the bullshit topic that you're trying to screw our minds with this week, Mario?
Greasy one, you had better not attempt to make us search for your old and crusty spooge mags again.. That was most definitely NOT worth the effort. Truly, like those ladies in those photos could not afford a razor and some shaving cream. The pits!..... I can still see those furry pits when I close my eyes!!!
Just calm down and shut your stinking trap, you muncher. No, this is actually serious. It has to do with the state of the world in which we live in. Things must change!!
Yes! We need more puppies!
..................To eat?
SHUUUUUUUUUT UP! Please, people, this... This is important to me. I.... *sniff*.. Sorry, I promised I wouldn't cry... *sniff* We need us to talk about this and we need to fix it. If not us, who?
What's wrong with the world, Mario? We still have cheap prostitutes to hire and then kill when they say shit like, "Hey, asshole! This money's fake! Brad Pitt isn't on the twenty! I'm calling my pimp!" The cops don't give a crap. What else do you need?
What I need, dear little Icarus, is ABSOLUTE POWER! I need to rule them all. Democrats, Republicans... They've both led us down a dark path. It is up to me, Oberst Hinterteile Mario, to rule... er, CHANGE the world, for the better. And to help me do it is my good buddy, Kefka.
Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!
Exxxxactly. Now, does anybody have any questions for our crazy clown friend here? Keep in mind that this psycho killed his own emperor, blew up the world, and then had them name his theme music "Dancing Mad" for the last battle against the riff-raff that defiled him.
Don't you mean "defied" him?
Ummmm, did I "defy" or "defile" your undies, Princess? Whatever I did, Kefka's enemies did the other.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you!
Oh no... Princess, you're getting him angry. Trust me, you won't like him when he's angry. He tends to hide explosives and set charges. Let's just try and calm him down and wait for-
Wait? Do I look like a waiter?!? I command the greatest power in the universe! You are all helpless before me! Now I feel you've outlived your usefulness...
Hit the fucking deck!
Well, we should be fine. I hid all his weapons and clown make-up, and I gave him a major doobie to clear his head before bringing him out here. So now he's about as mentally screwed up as Bush, but as brain dead as Clinton. We're okay.
................................Hee, hee, hee !! But what fun is destruction if no 'precious' lives are lost!
This is getting a little too retarded even for us. Mario, what was your point about all this? Did you say you wanted to become the president?
Who the hell else, sugar-tush? Well, I mean, I wouldn't mind submitting myself to YOUR dictatorship, but only if you sit on my SCEPTER for the LENGTH of your rule.
Think how meaningless each of your lives is! Hee hee hee! Good! Burn up everything!
Would somebody shut Ronald McDonald up! He's scaring away all the whores.
This is sickening... You sound like chapters from a self-help booklet! Prepare yourselves! Vwee hee hee!

That's perfect! How do you kackle like that? "Vwee hee hee!" By jove, I think I got it!

Beedee beedee beedeee. Megaman here to suck YOU off. Lucky customer #8,293.... Megaman needs wall socket first. Dr. Wily drain Megaman down to last AAA battery.
*Gafaw! SNORT!!!*
Giggle Giggle GIGGLE!!!
................................ I don't get it.
VWEEE HEE HEE-.............. Um... Did I just piss my pants or is that smell just coming from Toad?

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