Welcome to the G.I. Joe Versus Cobra and Physics Homepage. Here's your (slipshod, quickly crapped out) coverpage to all the pages that question the sanity of the old GI Joe cartoons from the 80s, as well as some open letters to the poor fucks who have anything to do with raping the glorious memory of GI Joe today.
Unless you are a Nazi-loving Commie who likes to kill bald eagles for cheap and tawdry kicks (or if you were simply born after 1983), you LOVE(d) G.I. Joe. The Joe team was beyond awesome the way that they stopped Cobra from doing bad and naughty things every weekday afternoon, between 3:00 and 3:30PM CST.
It was with fond memories that I went back and re-watched the Joes' first mini-series adventure, and it was with confusion and stupidity that I actually wrote down all of the things that didn't make sense to my now fully edumacated brain. This is that list.
In the first Joe miniseries the GI Joe team has to travel the world (and New England) in order to find three rare elements that somehow power a teleportation device when regular good ole radiation or batteries fail.
Cobra already has this teleportation machine see, and they can magically turn this "MASS Device" into an atomic laser, a troop transport, and a suicide machine at the drop of a hat! Will the Joes learn to use reason and actual science to stop the threat?!
After I fully recovered from making that page (about a year later), I was able to jump back into all things Joe again and focus on...
The list is even longer this time, and so is the bullshit science. Well, I mean it's stretched thinner. Sure.
This time the Further Adventures of GI Joe entail the Joes launching a space shuttle into orbit filled with combat-ready soldiers just because, and Cobra's attempt to capture the Joe's space station (yeah, really) in order to use it and their Fatal Fluffies (TM) to turn 4 giant, shiny cubes into an EMP device that will knock out all power in the Northern Hemisphere (where all the important countries are located). Will the Joes blah blah blah?!
My head was hurting by this point, but after another year of recovery and some heavy drinking I attempted to cover the holy-fuckness of...
Shit-acular is the word that comes to mind whenever I think of this giant animated loaf. The GI Joe movie was a giant wasted opportunity for awesomeness, but the toy company that owns everything ordered the writers to forsake any cool character development of any beloved older good guys and bad guys, and instead made them focus on Don Johnson and Big Lob. Big Fucking Lob.
Anyway, Cobra needs the Broadcast Energy Transmitter because Cobra Commander is really a snake-man from the Himilayas and space spores and something.
I think I then had to take 2 years off before being able to come back for any more. This time I got a big whiff of...
Wow. This one is a giant mess. Yeah, it's still a fun series, but holy fuck did they burn all the science and military tactics textbooks in the building before taking a stab at this bad boy.
So Cobra Commander has fucked up so many times in the past that his soldiers get sick of his shit and decide to create a new Cobra leader.... From scratch. I mean, from egg and sperm-scratch.
So they start gathering all the genetic materials of some of the greatest leaders the world has ever known to make their new Emperor a smart, rugged, and sexy super-leader. But then the Joes had to get all up in their action. Find out who does what to all the body protein flying around in here!
Then, after I heard that a sequel was being made to the Live Action G.I. Joe movie, I thought that I should write an open letter to the schmucks forced into writing it, in order to help them out a little bit.
Not animation related, but hopefully something that will help make the second live action Joe movie actually GOOD.
There were simply SO many missed opportunities by the jackass writers of the first movie that I felt compelled to help out the new writers by pointing out what all die-hard Joe fans ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE in their G.I. Joe movies. Novel idea, no.
No, they won't listen, but I still had to say something. I felt it was my duty.
And that's it so far. I still have the second miniseries, The Revenge of Cobra, to do sometime in the future, and there's always the live action G.I. Joe movie that I could easily make a page about... But for now, I need more Tylenol.
Or email me. Whatever.