I hate the outdoors. Seriously, just the thought of mowing my lawn pisses me off.
Why do I bring up my hatred of the unholy, uncovered expanse known as "outside"? Well, mostly because I made a page up about my terrible ordeal at a camp in the middle of the Canadian wilderness back when I was in grade school. I found my old camping journal and decided to entertain you worthless sacks of shit with my immature and youthful look at the evil known as summer camp. God I hated that place! ReadMore>>
Apparently being a mother is tough. I had no idea. I thought all they had to do was make their kids dinner and do their science projects for them, and rub their husband's feet after a tough day behind a desk and a three martini lunch.
My friend from high school, Scarlett, sets me straight. Inside you'll find her philosophies on life, what it's like when the world shits on you when you have actual responsibilities (and impressionable children) encircling you, and how to not kill yourself in the process. ReadMore>>
People ask me for advice and help all the time... I didn't say these were bright people. Anyway, after thinking about some of these problems and questions that all these stupid fucks are facing, I thought that at the very least I could try to help them out a bit — as my duty as a somewhat sensible man with a semi-larger than normal brain and a non-linear (and somewhat destructive) way of thinking delicate situations through. Sooooo, without too much more further ado, I bring forth my gift to the world. ReadMore>>
Unless you are a Nazi-loving Commie who likes to kill bald eagles for cheap and tawdry kicks (or if you were simply born after 1983), you LOVE(d) G.I. Joe. The Joe team was beyond awesome the way that they stopped Cobra from doing bad and naughty things every weekday afternoon from 3 to 3:30PM CST.
It was with fond memories that I went back and re-watched the Joes' mini-series adventures. And it was with confusion and stupidity that I actually wrote down all of the things that didn't make sense to my now fully edumacated brain. This is that list. ReadMore>>
The Retard Rossman Ramblin's is one of my greatest inventions to date, and it was so simple to create. I simply wanted to make fun of the millions of fuckers who flunked English in high school but who still thought they could write better rhyme schemes than Dr. Suess. But I had no idea how to accomplish this goal. As I was scratching my head and my crotch in contemplation I decided to just do what those untalented ass-pirate bards of the web do... That would be taking 5 seconds of my life to come up with shitty poetry and shiznit on the spot and then post them for the world to see, thinking that the world actually wanted to see it. The only difference between them and me being that I actually knew that all of our stuff sucked from the very beginning. ReadMore>>
Retarded Toons have been around almost as long as regular mongo TV. Why?! Why do we force all those poor, Korean, animators in all those dingy sweatshops to grind out all this shit? It's got to be against the rules of the Geneva Convention.
Cartoons hit their retardedest back in the 80s. I'm sure you at least heard of some of these wanky shows if not watched them yourself. Don't worry, admitting that you watched them doesn't make you a bad person, but continuing to wear that Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors T-shirt does. ReadMore>>
Retarded TV has plagued mankind since prehistoric times when clans of hairy monkey-men would gather around the campfire and roast rabbit droppings as offerings to the gods of bowel movements. Unfortunately, Re-Re TV will also be around until the rapture when we are punished by the gods of cable and satellites for fucking up something that could have been so good.
Did all of this mental television start in the 80s? Nope, it's nothing that new. But we're here today to point out the faults and failings of the era that I'm most familiar with. Behold! ReadMore>>
I am totally sick and fucking tired of people who think that they're clever and funny because they can cut out a Fox Trot comic strip and staple it to their cubicle wall. So I came up with this site which makes those morons put their money where their mouths are.
Here you have to come up with the punchline... And the set up. And all the rest of the witty banter. I give you a blank comic, you print the thing out and write your own jokes in it. You think you're really funny, asshat? PROVE IT. ReadMore>>