gijoe versus cobra and physics

G.I. Joe Vs. Cobra the Enemy!
(page tres)

48: Cobra Commander's battle mask must just be a hologram. He can eat turkey legs through it fine and dandy. Destro's metal mask allows enough flexibility to do the same.

49: The M.A.S.S. Device is a learning computer! Just like Skynet!! Now, not only can it teleport, but it can blow things up. Cobra Commander tries to "destroy" New York City with its power extreme ray of DEATH.

50: Why did the Joes physically and mentally freak out when Stalker surrendered the team to Cobra? They knew it was fake and they knew that only Stalker was being watched. Not them.

51: Why is the government anti-terrorist unit of the U.S. Military so damn underfunded when compared to a tiny terrorist organization? I mean, Cobra has a flying aircraft carrier!!! We STILL don't have one in 2002!

52: Just a small nitpick here, but when the Joes go to recover the 3rd element in the volcano, why is Gung Ho flying Wild Bill's helicopter when Wild Bill (the trained pilot of said copter) is in the back playing with the cable?

53: What the flying rat fuck kind of plan was that? The way G.I. Joe tries to catch the meteorite when it goes hurling into the air like a pop fly baseball is embarrassing. A net between two Skystrikers? Did they even study the physics of that plan? I had somebody take all my science class finals in high school and even I know that if two 30 ton jets catch a 500,000 ton meteorite in a net between them while flying through the air at Mach 2 that something bad is going to happen to either (A) The Jets or (B) The Meteorite AND The Jets AND The Retarded Pilots' Worthless Lives.

54: Once again, 3 Joes (one armed with only a crossbow) stop an entire army that has anti-aircraft guns, rifles and machine guns. This time Cobra looks like a bunch of total pussies on their own turf! Honestly, if I were in the Cobra Commander's shoes I'd cut back on the 40 story-tall temples with snakes and detailed French Moldings in every room, and I'd put more cash into buying mercenaries that actually don't surrender when somebody farts in their general direction. Fuck, that's all he really needs to take over the world is good soldiers! Have them sleep in an abandoned airplane hangar if you need to. They're being paid to be bad asses. A fluffy bed in an air conditioned super-hideout will only soften them up.

55: Even though Scarlett is a trained commando, master of 45 different martial arts, and perfectly capable of shooting arrows, she runs like a total girl when chasing Destro through the corridors of the carrier.

56: Cobra has laser bars on their jail cells? Sweeeeeeeet! Too bad they know how to build them, but not escape them.

57: What is a "thermal arrow" and why does Scarlett have one, let alone have it cocked and ready to fire?

58: What kind of soldiers are the Joes? They let Destro get away with the third element when they had him completely outnumbered and surrounded! Yeah, Scarlett was his prisoner, but she's a soldier first. She'd have wanted them to shoot through her! She was probably hoping to go out in a blaze of glory like that! That's how tough people dream of dying.

59: Okay, but right after that Scarlett proves that she's one tough cookie. She shoots out the controls of the plane in order to kill Destro and destroy their 3rd catalytic element. That's very smart and noble of her.... But WAIT! Then she immediately helps her mortal enemy to fix the situation with her own grappler-arrow. That's pretty damn dumb.

60: Also, why don't the rest of the Joes who captured the Cobra Carrier simply follow Destro's trail back to the secret base? They have an armada of aircraft at their disposal after taking over the ship, and they could easily slip past the early warning systems in a Cobra Rattler or something. Who the hell is in charge of these missions?!

61: Scarlett is cool 'cause her lipstick glows in the dark!

62: While trapped in their prison cell together, both Scarlett and Silena kick and punch the crappola out of the only furniture that they have in there for no reason at all.

63: Is Cobra Commander really such an incredible pussy that he lets his arms dealer take over his multi-billion dollar organization? How did this loser ever amass such a huge following when he's such a total pushover. He's got to be like the France of the "evil terrorist" world. It was basically like Destro was Hitler and said, "Excuse me, you French fairies, but I would like to step on you and then take a big, nasty dump on your face while I take over your country."

64: The Baroness' green shades are uber-trendy. They go perfect with her blue uniform.

65: After New York is saved (for the second time), the Joes celebrate in their HQ and Scarlett is among them. Apparently she didn't want to miss the festivities and had Cobra teleport her sweet ass home for a quick "Yoooooo Joe!" before being sent back to Silena's prison cell of forbidden sexuality.

66: When Scarlett and and her new slave-friend start making a break for it, it is obvious that Silena (the emaciated teenager who hasn't had a decent burger in years) fights better and is stronger than all of the Cobra guards watching over the slave pits.

67: After Scarlett and her gal pal are re-re-captured and chained to the wall of their cell, Silena seems to throw her voice to Scar's mouth for no reason at all... except for sloppy, cheap Korean animation.

68: HOLD THE PHONE!! The Joes have a machine that can turn thoughts into digital images?! Kee-rist! That has got to be the most revolutionary and cooly scientific invention since the "Pocket Auto-Orgasmico"! Since the Joe Team actually has such an incredible mechanation at their disposal, why didn't they just concentrate all their efforts into capturing a Cobra troop and interrogate his sorry ass with that machine? Just get him drunk and throw him in the mind-reading tank (which coincidentally looks just like the medi-tank that Luke Skywalker was fixed up in at the beginning of Empire).

69: Nobody ever answers this question, even though the entire finale is based around it. WHY does Duke's ring have electronics in it that are "powerful enough to be used as a homing device?" WHY?! For the love of GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, WHYYYYYYYY?!?!

70: I must point out how much the Cobra forces suck one more time. When the Joes first start to attack the Cobra Citadel the Cobras have the high ground (a fucking cliff) and massive barricades along with cauldrons of boiling oil... and they still can't stop the invasion!!! Starving kids in Ethiopia fighting with their last remaining strength for a dried out piece of bread crust have more ferocity.

71: Why doesn't Snake Eyes ever get pounded by his buddies' bullets? In several scenes he's almost indistinguishable from the Cobra troops and in the heat of battle you just know that one of his trigger-happy friends would mistakenly see a big red cobra on his head from the blood stains of all the baddies he killed in his ninja-berserker mode.

72: Holy fuck! I had to rewind that a few times too. What is in those "exploding arrows?" Are they like portable mini-nukes or something?

73: If Cobra Commander was really trying to hide his identity and sneak away from the Joes after they captured his fortress, why did the moron put on a basket on his head and a rug on his back? Why didn't he dress up as a regular cobra trooper? Nobody would have known and he wouldn't have been separated from his troops, which would have made escaping much easier later on down the road.

74: Okay, that's the end. G.I. Joe won, Cobra was destroyed, but Destro got away.... Buuuut what the hell happened to the rest of the world leaders and the Soviet army? They didn't help in the fight in the end, nor did we see them freed. My guess is that they were probably slaughtered and fed as Soylent Green to the troops (it must be hard to import a steady supply of beef that far into the mountains).

And now the awards for the MOST RETARDED LINES
as spoken in a G.I. Joe mini-series.

First, the runners up:

*Scarlett's heinously horrendously bad attempt at talking Suthern to Stalker before they infiltrated the satellite launching site at the very beginning. I don't even remember what she said, and that doesn't matter. It was HOW stupid she sounded while saying it

*Dr. Vandermeer: "We have failed to pull Cobra's fangs." Was he trying to be melodramatic? Were the writers drunk as my friend Carl by 6:15PM every night when they wrote that? It is a mystery that I'm not willing to dive into.

*Destro: "Egotistical peacock!" to Cobra Commander for being an egotistical peacock.

Second place:

*Silena (in her typical painful Russian/Hindu accent): "I moost find a vay to help 'eem!" This was spoken as she pondered what she could do to save her man-meat eyecandy, Duke from getting the snot kicked out of him by that barbarian guy in the loincloth. At least I think it was then. I don't want to hear her say it again EVER so I'll just say that's when she said it.

First place:

*There is a tie for first place, and both lines go to Destro. The first is: "You psychotic sibilant serpentine dolt!" And the second is: "Reptilian popinjay!"
Both won first place because they were both directed at the same person (Cobra Commander), and they both had words in them that I didn't understand. I still don't know what "sibilant" means or what a "popinjay" is. Sibilant sounds kinky though and knowing Destro I'm guessing that a popinjay is a sex toy of some kind.

And here's the last thing I found that was confusing and dumb dumb DUMB. Flint is seen quite clearly on the back of the VHS box, but he wasn't a member of the Joe team until the second mini-series. C'mon!! I mean, just how much sloppiness do these animation fuckers expect us to let slip by?! It's like they're not even trying! Lazy ASSHOLES!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

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