Things to do...

Step 1) First things first. You must understand the ninja and all things ninjitsuie.

Find a Ma and Pa video store that rents ninja movies. The crappier and more laughable the movies the better. Also, do not go to a Blockbuster or a Hollywood Video store for step one. The only ninja movies that they will have will be shit like American Ninja IV and Mortal Kombat II. Those are the exceptions to the crap-rule. These American made ninja movies are so craptastic that they will go beyond the "good crappy" and into "bad touch" crappy territory. Plus they will teach you nothing of what it means to be a ninja. They will only educate you on how to waste several million dollars on a shitonic script and bad effects.

Also, when choosing your ninja movies, you must make sure that you do not accidentally rent any "samurai" movies. Sure, they may be good flicks, but the samurai are honorable creatures. Samurai do not stab people in the back, poison drinks while hanging from the ceiling, or wear masks to keep from laughing while they slit open throats. If you mistakenly watch a samurai movie and learn "honor" and "bushido", then you might grow a conscience, and then I would have to kill you in order to keep you from turning into a hated respectful warrior, and an enemy to my teachings. You assbrick.

Step 2) Make yourself a cool ninja costume. The key to completely getting into the whole ninja-mindset is to look like a ninja. Now, don't get confused here. This is fairly straight forward, but unfortunately there are some people out there who claim to be ninjas who dress really fruity, and you might be tempted to immitate them.

Let me be frank: People who dress up in turtle outfits or in white sheets are NOT ninjas. They are disturbed children who want a ninja costumre for Halloween, but are afraid that cars and big-wheel drivers might not see them when they cross the street. They actually live in terror of this. But I digress.

A REAL ninja does not fear traffic. A really ninja can jump over an oncoming car, spin around with his katana blade in front of him and let the shuriken rain of death fly from him like a homicidal spinning hornet that can shoot out stingers, and blow up the car without getting his black-as-midnight clothes singed. He/she can also kill turtles and talking rodents by the garbage truck full, but so can my sister's dog, so that's no real big feat.

The whole point of this "dressing up like a ninja in order to become a ninja" exercise is that if you can put on a cool ninja face mask, strap some bows and arrows, nunchuku and swords to your back, and look into a mirror without being a) thoroughly impressed, b) scared by your own reflections, or c) turned on because you're a hot chick and you like to look at yourself all the time or imagine me grabbing your big ole titties while you touch your self... then there's something seriously wrong with you.

Step 3) Learn kung fu and other stuff that lets you kill people with your bare hands. Sorry, no guns. Ninjas should be able to kill with their ass hair if they need to. If you are such a pussy that you need a "Boom Stick" in order to inflict bodily harm to an opponent then you might as well become a pansy little Navy SEAL and go home and wet your bed. Fairy.

Unfortunately you may have to teach yourself all of your own ninja techniques. The bad part about this is that you would have no sensei to guide you on your quest to kick ass (mostly because ninjitsu is now a forbidden art form, and also cause I killed all the ninja grand masters that defied me in my quest to spank them all down and make me the most rugged ninja ever. Ha HA!). The good part about being your own teacher of the death-arts is that you can automatically give yourself a blackbelt just for showing up to your own first class! Congratulations!

Things to teach yourself would be: Punching through people's faces, jumping straight up in the air 30+ feet, taming enemy guard dogs by just looking at them with darkness in your heart, throwing household objects through people's faces, crawling up and around walls like some sort of "man spider", not stabbing yourself with your own swords, and stabbing other people with your swords. Also learn to hold in your sneezes. Your brain may blow up, but nobody will know that you were hiding under their couch in an attempt to "ninja-ize" them until weeks later when the smell hits them. Which brings us to step 4...

Step 4) Learn the ways of being sneaky. Being able to sneakily stealth around without having anyone see, hear or smell you is one of the most valuable things a ninja can learn to do. So all you fuckers out there who have major gastral intestine problems can just leave now. Even if you can't be seen, if you can be discovered because you have trouble keeping from blasting your pants like a tuba every few minutes you have no right to be a ninja... Unless your foul ass wind can be used as "deadly force"... Then that can be acceptable.

The importance of being all sneaky-like is so that people don't know you're in the room either gathering information or trying to kill them. For example, there was this one time that I was hired to sneak into the girls' locker room and gather vital intelligence on a strategic piece of much needed information that was very important to the fate of the world and the tightness of my pants. Now, if those evil vixens had heard me or seen me in the corner taking pictures of them in their undies and in the shower while I quietly moaned to myself and thought such wonderful thoughts like "Ohhhhh YEAH! That's it, Clarice... shake it like you mean it. What? You, you want ME to rub the lotion all over your back? Oh baby!...." Then. Ummmm, I know I had a point here.

Step 5) Practice pretend killing somebody. Now, I say practice pretend killing because it would be such a heinous bummer to get your ass thrown into the slammer because you got caught snuffing somebody's life out and you didn't even get paid for it. So just set up a mannequin on a park bench, run a few blocks away, and then try to sneak up on the wooden man without letting him hear you. Try to be tricky and foxy about the whole thing too. See, your mannequin has probably figured out by now that a ninja is after it, so put a business suit on top of your rugged ninja outfit. You should be able to just walk right up to your mark and CUT THE FUCKER'S HEAD RIGHT THE SHIT COCK OFF!!! If you find that you can't kill the devil doll (it doesn't matter if he's tricky or you grow a conscience), then just hang up your cowl and blade. Go home and take up knitting or sticking your dick into stuffed animals like the pervert you are. You will never be a ninja.

Step 6) Celebrate. If you successfully slaughtered the mannequin, then congratulations!! You are now a ninja! Party hard, but silently, for now your life is in constant danger as enemy ninja will try and hunt you down in order to cut down on the competition and just to get their jollies off. Beware. If you have a large closet, hide in it for a while in order to gather your wits and come up with a cunning plan to kill them all! If, after more than three weeks of living in constant shame and pussiness you have not even stepped one foot out of that closet and you piss yourself dry at the thought of having to either kill or get killed by other ninja, then you will have to commit ritual suicide to end the disgrace you have brought upon the Rossman School of Ninjitsu. Take a sword, or a butter knife will do, and stick it into the fleshy part of your underbelly right under your spleen. Slide the dull and painful blade to the center of your enormous, fat gut and pull the knife up fast so as to cut through the chest plate. If you can't do it on your first try, continue until the bone shatters or you die an honorable death... Well, honorable after all the dishonor you just caused.

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to overcome adversity and imminent death on your way to becoming a sweet, rugged, bad-ass ninja of the Rossman clan.

• Problem: Someone tries to kill you.
  • Solution: Kill the dickhead right back. If this is too much for you to handle then I'll just rip off your cock and balls and make you dance like Barbara Mandrell for an hour and a half before I shove a "dishonor pole" up your ass and make you sit on it for 10 days until your shame has melted away.
• Problem: No matter how hard you focus you just can't seem to chuck your ninja star into a mark's forehead.
  • Solution: Concentrate... Concentrate... Now, imagine that the person whom you are trying to kill is really your ex-wife. Think about the alimony you owe that bitch! Think about the 40 pounds she put on the minute the honeymoon was over!! Now THROW!!! Your aim should be dead on now.
    If the person that you are having trouble disfunctioning IS your ex-wife, then pretend that she's Latoya Jackson and that she's stepping on babies... Or worse yet, imagine the target is a democrat. Now throw.
• Problem: The sushi bar is trying to stick you with the tab even after you explained to them that you were a Wu Tang Killa Ninja Mo Fo.
  • Solution: Point towards the front door and yell, "Holy shit! Is that Chairman Kaga?!?!" When all the sushi guys carrying the sharp knives all turn to look, use your mad ninja skillz to turn yourself into a hot babe (or, if you already are a hot babe make yourself even hotter) and then casually stroll through the back door. Note, make sure there is a back door or that Chairman Kaga really is coming in the front door. If you get shit fuck stuck with no way out, and you pulled the "Chairman card", those sushi chefs are going to pound your ninja ass into wasabi.
• Problem: Little girls can, and often do, hand you your ass.
  • Solution: Erase all evidence that says that I had anything to do with your training and do that seppuku thing (i.e. the knife to the belly).