Birthday, shmirthday!  I just need me some muthafuckin' cake!

Birthday SURVIVOR!: More Reality Than You Need

I don't know about any of you people out there, but I've had enough reality to last me a goddamn lifetime! Next week I celebrate (ummmm, wrong term... I mean "passingly observe") my 25th anniversary of basic reality. This sucks (In hindsight, I should have paid extra for the premium features).
Granted, my car insurance gets cut in half, but the price I have to pay is too high. The price is age. But you know what? I go through with it. That's life and I accept it. In fact it's MY life and I'm pretty damn proud of everything I've done so far (except for the whole week I accidentally spent trapped in Elton John's closet.... and I'd rather not think about or explain that at this time).
What's my point, you may ask? "Reality Shows" can suck the Megaplayboy's underused cock! The only "reality" that they show is that a bunch of whiny-assed bastards stranded on an island or stuck in a house will piss everybody else that they're stuck with off within a matter of minutes. After living with well over 9 roommates in my life I could have told you this a looooong time ago for a lot less money than the networks spent (and after a few beers I guarantee you that my stories would be a crapload more entertaining).


Where Reality and Cellulite Begin and End
Now I know that growing old with buttloads of annoying grandkids running around pestering you for puppies, ponies and peppermints is the American dream... But that dream is unfortunately going to die in exchange for "trying to win money by acting like a social jackass on the television"! You see, 98% of the United States' population is made up of fatties who no longer have the capability to breed. These fatties sit in their fat lazy boy chairs for 8-12 hours a day and get even fatter while watching crap on the TV and gorging themselves with literally tons of fatty-making products. Now, a healthy daily dose of The Simpsons and The A-Team is perfectly normal and is in fact recommended by 7 out of 10 Fat-Ass Specialists. It's just when people get tired of their unfair and obese existences that they try too hard to escape into the land of technicolor and canned laughter (and for all you fat fucks out there I said "canned laughter", not "canned ham"), and that's when things go wrong. Those things that I'm referring to are Survivor and The Real World (and all their clones).
Comparatively, I think Regis' Who Wants to Bitch-Slap a Millionaire is a televised work of Willy Shakespeare himself... I said "comparatively". If I want to see a bunch of old people mixed up with a lot of young-uns who constantly fight, argue, insult, backstab and belittle each other until one by one they leave and/or get naked and walk around the living area I'll just go to another Ross Family reunion!

"And then I said to the guy 'Hey!  You gotta problem with my hairy testicles hanging out, buddy?'  And then I fucked him up his fat ass until he cried."
Big gay old people with lots of hair in frightening places should NEVER get nekkid on national television. In fact there should be a rule against then getting naked in general. I personally believe that we should vote for a law to get old, fat, hairy ugly people to wear those skin suits that the mutants on Genosha get to wear. They're comfy, they streamline the body and hide unsightly skin rolls, they come in a variety of sporty colors and they are self sufficient (no waste, so Depends are a thing of the past too). What the hell are our scientists waiting for?


Is It Really Real, and Why Do Lazy-Fucks Like It?
People keep tagging the term "reality show" onto productions like Big Brother and Survivor, but this title is pretty far from the truth. How many times in "reality" have you had to eat a rat or a cockroach in order to keep yourself from getting kicked off of an island? How many times have you been locked in a house with a dozen asshole strangers and have been forced to let millions of fat lifeless freaks watch you whack off and take shits day in and day out for several months (and I'm not talking about that prank the Wolfman pulled on me using an internet camera and his old webpage)? How many fucking times have you been on a three hour tour with 6 years worth of luggage only to be marooned on a South Pacific island with the Harlem Globe Trotters?!... Well, the last one wasn't a reality show synopsis (for all you not-so-quick ones reading this), it was indeed a reference to Gilligan's Island.
This is my point (I think). The plots of these "reality shows" are just retreads themselves. Survivor is a simple clone of Gilligan's Island! Remember that episode where the Professor made those coconut telephones? Copied in Survivor by the loony kid who lost it and thought he was talking to the President. Did you see the one where Mary Ann, Ginger and Mrs. Howell all tried to hit on Gilligan with poor success cause he's gay? Well, Survivor had a gay naked man and a lot of squabbling between jealous chicks and dumb guys. And what about the time where the gorilla and the ninja assassin showed up on the castaways' tropical paradise and nuttiness ensued? Once again stolen for ratings -_-. It can easily be argued that The Real World and Big Brother are just clones of Three's Company, but Mr. Roper scares the fuck outta me so we'll stay clear of that debate.

Just doin' that Gilligan's Isle thang!
Now if we had an unscripted (hell, even a scripted) battle royal between the rugged cast of Gilligan's Isle I would watch every goddamn week! Just imagine, Ginger nails the Skipper in the nads and he goes down, but he lands on and crushes Mr. Howell in the process! Then the Professor reveals his real name to everybody causing them to laugh uncontrollably at "Humperdinkle" until he can activate his "Coconut Obliteration Device of Evil". The CODoE evaporates Mary Ann and Mrs. Howell uses Gilligan's wimpy body like a whip to turn the coconut laser back on Professor Humperdinkle reducing him to a charred pile of cyborg parts (that will be the big surprise ending, the genius Professor was really just a robot!!). Mortal Gilligan's Kombat! I'd pay to see that in a movie theater!

Continue on to part 2 of Crappy "Reality"