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THE BATTLE FOR N.Y. CITY
After TIC had become a huge hit outside of Japan it
was decided by Chairman Kaga that outsiders would be allowed
to compete in Kitchen Stadium with his Chefs of Iron! This was
a good and bad idea for the rich dude. Good, because ratings
were getting higher and higher, but bad because the gaijin were
winning more and more often.
So, what does a rich man with no taste buds and an army of world
class gourmets do? Why, he takes them to America to compete with
the State's biggest loser of Tex-Mex cuisine. I speak only of
Bobby "Flabby Boy" Flay. The man who only knows how
to cook things with corn and tomato chunks. It seemed like a
win-win set up for the Iron Chefs and their soul master.
The battle was whored for days before hand and the N.Y. Kitchen
Stadium was packed on the day of the fight. Kaga even allowed
real Americans to be judges! That's how confident he was that
Flay would fuck up big time. For his opponent Flabby Boy chose
Iron Chef Japanese. The battle lines were drawn.
Kaga then unveiled the theme ingredient and it was a shitload
of giant crabs. Iron Chef Japanese smiled, Flay frowned. Despite
the home-turf advantage, Flay looked to be in serious caca. He
 fought
valiantly for the first 5 minutes, but then he started electrocuting
himself over and over again as he began slicing his fingers down
to bloody stumps all the while cursing himself and his luck.
Soon, after a couple of hissy fits, Flay even lost the support
of the crowd. I was rolling on the floor laughing my ass off
when the audience began cheering for the Iron Chef (Celeste told
me that the 12 bottles of Asahi had something to do with it,
but what episode of Iron Chef is complete without a drinking
game [more below on that]).
After the hour was over Bobby got up on his cutting board
and tried to get the audience to "Raise da Roof". He
looked like the world's biggest pussy! He was like the geek in
science class who tried to make a joke about the subject matter
that nobody understood or found the least bit funny, but being
unfamiliar with things like popularity or an actual sense of
humor he never knew when to just shut the fuck up and sit the
fuck down.
It was to the "cutting board shuffle" that Flabby Boy
danced that the Iron Chef actually lost his cool and insulted
him over. "The cutting board is like a part of the body
to a chef. He disgraced the cutting board. He is no chef!!!"
I began laughing so hard that I almost lost control of my bladder!
I missed the first few minutes of the judging due to trying
my damndest to avoid the Poseidon Adventure reenacted in my living
room, but Celeste told me that all I missed was Flay serving
up his crab tacos and fajitas to the judges. I swear to God that's
all he made. Fucking Tex-Mex with $30,000 worth of Giant King
Crab! Then the Iron Chef presented his 5 courses of crabby perfection!
I'm allergic to crab, but I'd be willing to be rushed to the
hospital to try some of what he made!
No surprise, Flay lost by a full 9 points (I never saw anybody
lose by more than 5!).
It seems that Chairman Kaga is chairman for a reason! He got
his ratings by having his chef-whore fight an American, and he
didn't even have to threaten the judges in order to get his man
to win by a landslide! That's my Kaga.
WHAT DID WE LEARN?
Well, I hoped that we learned that despite American "reality
shows" being less entertaining than watching stool float
in the john, the Japanese know how to do things right. They know
that people don't want to see ugly fat people nekkid on a desert
island! People want to see knives cutting things fast and furious!
The want to see men of honor lose face in front of a live studio
audience. The want to listen to Ohta yell out "FUKUI-SAN!!!!"
every 10 seconds to tell us what the Iron Chef French put into
his bowl of gelatinous walrus snot! We want a show that offers
a multitude of incredible drinking games for beginners and full
fledged alcoholics alike! Screw the Olympics, what we want most
of all is our IRON CHEFs battling for the fate of all mankind
in the Chairman's fancy schmancy Kitchen Stadium of Doom! That,
my friends, is true entertainment.
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Even Iron Chef Chinese (Chin Kenichi) hates Bobby Flay with a
passion! And who can blame him, after all behind David Hasselhoff
he's the third coming of the Anti-Christ. |
EDITOR's Note: Uh, crap... Sorry everybody, but I overslept
today and I missed the Rossman's final draft of this article.
After I proofed it last week he saw fit to "make some improvements"
in my handiwork. That is the mess you just read. Quite honestly
though, I think it was kinda on target and on track up until
the final paragraph of ramblings and the use of the phrase "fancy
schmancy". I promise I'll wake up on time to fix the next
one.
Please go to honorable Part
I of Iron Chef Article
Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage |
