IRON CHEF: the Battle for Fate!!
If memory serves me, I recently wrote an article about why reality shows suck and how fat and stupid the die hard viewers of said shows are. Well, in all the excitement and traumatizing tasks I had to go through to put that piece together (hell, I had to look up pictures of big gay Rich... nekkid!), I had totally forgotten that the greatest show ever made is in fact a "Reality Show". Yes, it's even better than Gilligan's Jurassic Survivor Park, if you can believe it.
The show that I speak of is a culinary classic, a mouth moistening
masterpiece and a prime fucking program. It is the story of one
freaky rich dude and his Kitchen Stadium. Every week we learn
how he turned his love of fine cooking into an hour long battle
of blood, sweat and usually seafood. Yes, I speaketh of Chairman
Kaga's THE IRON CHEF (Ryouri no Tetsujin, literally translated
as "Powerful Metal Cooking Man of Extreme Might and Honor"!)!
Why is TIC so incredible?! Why do billions of people tune in every week to watch the carnage as a secret ingredient is revealed and the poor over-stressed chefs have to somehow work "pickled rooster dick" into each of their rushed courses?!? People watch because they love the excitement of the competition, the frenetic pace of the chopping knives and cleavers, the cool competitors chosen from a world-wide pool of talent and especially for the remarks of the half beautiful and half butt-ugly panel of judges and the commentators Ohta and Fukui-san. Ohta is da MAN!
Then, the secret ingredient is revealed. That's right, Kaga usually imports an exotic and sometimes erotic food (and I use that word loosely) that the battling chefs must somehow incorporate into each of their courses. This secret theme ingredient can range from eel, back bacon, $30,000 worth of king crab, snails, unisex salmon, polar bear dropping, the ovaries of sea cucumbers force fed strawberry oatmeal for the past 29 days, etc. etc. After the shock of finding out that they only have an hour (no more no less) to cook a 5 star meal around the theme food-element of mermaid ass-meat the knives start slashing and the stoves start sauteeing faster and more furious than the viewer (or Fukui-san) ever thought possible!
Kitchen Stadium is a fully equipped cooking environment that has every sort of utensil and food product known to man in order to make the food fight fair'n square. It is totally amazing how anything a competitor or Iron Chef can ask for appears on their cutting board within seconds! If they wanted to garnish their roast duck feet with pygmy toenail clippings aged 10 years they can. If they want to top their special won-ton soup with sprinkles of penguin lice with syphilis they are asked "any more STDs on those lice too?". Sometimes the spices and requested foods are even less appetizing than the actual theme (which when using whale puke is a pretty tall order).
Please follow our honorable lead and continue to Part II of Iron Chef Article