(Note to readers. The midget with the fire hydrant in the above picture is not part of the "annoying shit" referred to in the title. It is in fact the only "cool thing" on this page.) Stupid Things (1/22/2001) There are many things in life that can be considered "stupid" (For example: One of my friends spends a lot of time wondering what Gilligan's complete name is; The fact that the Post Office constantly raises prices on postage stamps then wastes shitloads of money on advertising; and the WB). Stupid things in and of themselves can be tolerated and avoided. Just ask my "Gilligan" friend or the WB "network". They will tell you that I stay the fuck away from each as if they were the plague, of which I'm 86% sure that the WB is a carrier of. But, there are some things that are both stupid and annoying beyond all comprehension. There's really no good reason for their existence other than to piss non-inbred people off. What makes these stupid beings, entities or objects so much more idiotic than others to cause them to be "baseball bat to the head" vexatious is the fact that they cannot be avoided. They are problems that one can't run away from. You see, since the beginning of man there have been but only two instincts that have shaped our evolution and the path that our ancestors have chosen in order to create the civilization that we now so crapulantly enjoy. And the previously mentioned "annoying and stupid shit" has totally and utterly countered one of them, which can only lead to total chaos. The two instincts I speak of are "Fight or Flight" and "Screw the Woman With the Biggest Jugs". The one that is in danger is of course "fight or flight" (Chasing after large breasted tail will never be in danger as long as I'm alive). You see, whenever we as humans come into contact with something that frightens us or endangers us or our family we have a wussy-like tendency to run away from it. Only tough guys with stupid girlfriends who goad them into confrontation all the time to prove their valor try to fight these urges... and even they usually fail miserably and run like a Chihuahua with its tail between its knobby legs. But there are now evils in this world (man made evils as we are apparently our own worst enemy) that we cannot run from as hard as we might try. This is because they are EVERYWHERE. In some sort of masochistic ass whoopin' on ourselves we have created and opened our own Pandora's Box that we can never again hope to close. But instead of "distrust", "fear", "loathing" and "pain", we've unleashed "gay teen horror movies", "boy bands" and "junk e-mail" unto the unforgiving universe. To the right is an example of something stupid, yet funny. Different from "stupid and painfully annoying". Stupid things by themselves are not bad things. Especially when they make fun of people like this picture. See, it shows what a perv our ex-president truly is, but in a humorous way. The image shows the spunk-meister showing porno to children. Not only is that considered "funny yet stupid", but it's also illegal... I think. But I guess it's no worse than say shoving an illegal Cuban cigar up an intern's twat or lying to the world about said cigar. But now I'm just rambling.

Gay teen horror movies have been around for a while. They were at first just stupid, but over the years they've grown into a 600 pound gorilla of annoying stupidity. Try to go to the movies, and they're there. Try to rent a DVD and they're there! Try to watch Skin-emax and you'll find soft core porn only to be followed by gay teen horror movies!! It is a sad state of affairs when the soft core pornography doesn't last all night on Skin-emax. What's that you say? Don't go see the gay teen shit in the theaters? Don't rent them? Turn off the TV after the porn is over? It's not as easy as all that and you know it. First of all, I, like 90% of all Americans, spend most of my time outside of work in a drunken stupor. When my friends and I go to the movies in this state we usually have a hard time remembering what we planned to see. This leads to the confusion. By the time we reach the box office we always just end up picking the movie with the horniest sounding title. Examples: I KNOW What You Did Last Summer and Final Destination. I mean come on! Those can easily be construed as nasty adult film names, especially by raging alcoholics such as ourselves. Gay teen horror movies are nothing but visual torture and stomach pumping pain to the eleventh degree. There is no "artistic interpretation" or beneficial component to be found within a two mile radius of any theater or video store that chooses to carry them. They are evil. And not in the way that they try to be. If Clint Eastwood were alive today he'd be the only one cool enough to kill them (and hopefully he'd have his orangutan help him). Now we don't have a chance of salvation as the only person man enough to end this terror, Sean Connery, has made Finding Forrester and caused a necessary piece of our remaining cool reality to fall into a black hole of shittyness. Thanks a buttload, Bond.   To the left you'll find another example of something "Stupid, yet funny". Unfortunately this scene is the direct result of something "Stupid, yet bitterly hurtful". You see, this is a shot of my friend Lisa giving Ronald a hummer right after she watched Scream 2. The movie experience was so traumatizing for her that she found that thoughts and memories she once had were all mixed up. It is for this reason that she believed that she enjoyed giving freaky clowns head. Right now Lisa is in a padded room sitting in her own crap while whispering to herself that she would like to have her prozac enema given to her by a rabid snowman today. I know because it's Tuesday.

Next on the list of "hot poker to the eye" annoying topics is Boy Bands. Unfortunately this subject is so excruciatingly "balls bitingly" distressful we cannot talk about it. But below is something that's stupid without hurting anything... well, except for possibly the dog. So, does that mean that there's dog penis IN the soup or is it meant to give dogs healthy penises? Looking at the dog on the label I'm guessing it's HIS dong in the can. He don't look too happy about it either. (Click here for page 2 and one of the most stupid and annoying things ever created) Pictured here is something stupid. What's even stupider is that the morons in this image are suffering from Too Much Boy Band Syndrome (aka ToMuBBSyn). To tell you the truth though, ANY amount of Boy Band is too much. What's funny about the guys on the right is that by listening to Boy Bands they've become legally retarded. So now when the Rossman Clown Patrol finds them they can put them out of their misery and get off scot free by claiming "self defense". They're trained to say "Holy shit! The retard's comin' right at us and he's gunna try and crush us in his handicapped grip like a hairy Russian wrestler!" and shoot the poor bastard between the eyes. Sure it may seem obvious that the now mental ToMuBBSyn sufferers were just trying to hug them like good little retards, but we still have to snuff them out before they inadvertently turn more innocents "brain damaged" by humming a few bars of the songs that originally converted them. What a world we live in. What a world indeed. Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage