(Note to readers. Yes, the midget is still the coolest thing here.) Stupid Things Page 2 And now we've come to the most annoying and the dumbest creation of homo sapien... Junk E-Mail. Junk E-Mail is like a direct portal from Satan's server to your monitor! It is evil in its most vile form. And I cannot make it stop. Dear Keerist Almighty, WHY CAN'T I MAKE IT STOP?! To get down to the main problem and understand just what the fuck is up with junk e-mail we have to start at the beginning. The very beginning of it all. You see, the internet was first created in the early nineties by fat and ugly computer nerds who needed a way to see what nekkid women looked like. They first tried to see their own moms in the showers but even they (as perverted and hard up as they were and still are) knew that that was wrong. So they started trading nude pics they found in their Dads' dresser with each other over their computers and phone lines. Soon teenagers who weren't old enough to buy Playboy, Penthouse and Big Black Boobies Monthly got in on the game. After roughly 2 weeks the internet was created and desperate losers and lesbians were in heaven. But that wasn't enough. This primitive internet was slow and the above mentioned geeks needed their electronic porno ASAP. So along with Al Gore they got to work and made the internet a living, breathing entity of nudity! Soon the world wide web was in place and the losers of the world rejoiced. They could then have porno on demand! As much as they wanted!! And for only a small monthly fee!!! But they did not realize that in their desperate mission for self gratification they had created a monster that could not and would not die. Yes, I speak of JUNK E-MAIL. This poor sap is one of the original creators of the Net. Now look at him. Some might say that he got what he deserved for ultimately bringing Junk E-Mail up from the bowels of Hell to torture us with for the rest of our existence, but I think that that may be a bit harsh. I mean, sure having to clean out my e-trash 20 times a day can be annoying as all fuck, but without this guy I shudder to think what the state of the WWW might be like today without the infinite amounts of digital pornography we now have at our fingertips. Without "Spare Change" here the Web might be nothing but poorly build AOL or GeoShitty sites with nothing to offer the world but gay and outdated video game news and crappy tofu recipes. So in some respects this man is our savior and destroyer. What irony.

Junk E-Mail may have seemed harmless at first, which is probably why it was allowed to fester and germinate into the giant unstoppable fungus that it is today. People in the early days of the web must have thought that it would go away, or at the most end up being only as annoying as your little sister's ugly friend who thinks that you're the god of her freckled little universe. You know, something you could just lock out of your room or push down the stairs a few times when nobody's looking. Something that would learn its lesson and soon leave you the fuck alone. But the main difference is that Junk E-Mail is just plain evil (even more evil than Boy Bands, but just not as damaging)! You can't reason with Junk E-Mail. It has a programmed mind that forces it to do one thing and one thing only: Advertise porno web sites and crash your computer with their pure numbers and tenacity. Now don't get me wrong. I think that porno sites are God's gift to 14 year old boys. They're nothing wrong with looking up pictures of two blondes making out. In fact it's our right as American's to be able to hop on-line and type in "woman, horse, big boobies, spung" on a search engine if we want to! That's not what I'm saying. I think it's wrong and (as Hecubus would say) EVIL for said web pages to annoy the shit out of me by reminding me day after day, minute after minute that I can see live "midget fecal porn" anytime I want. I KNOW that I can dammit! Just leave me alone!!!! Once again, this is something "stupid yet funny". Though this kid'll probably grow up to invent some new kind of electronic porn that will revolutionize the industry and the lonely man's quiet Friday nights. What's sad is that the advertising for this futuristic porno will most likely be 300,000Xs more annoying than Junk E-Mail is today. What a little shit head!

Do you want to know what's even more annoying than simple porno ads clogging up my "inbox"? It's Junk Mail from other people. I'm not just talking ads for Viagra or how to buy stocks through "www.flush-yourmoney-downtheshitter.com", I mean mail sent to me by mistake. Family photos of indecently ugly families. Responses to E-Mail sex that I never made. Invitations to parties (really crappy ones I found out) of which I'd never met the host in my entire sober life. When will it end?! What pisses me off the most though is the fact that the freaks who invented the Net and E-Mail named all this Junk E-Mail after a song in a Monty Python skit. Because these lifeless jackasses like to sit at home on Saturday nights and whack off to "www.sheepass.com" while trading Python catch phrases with other finger fuckers in chat rooms we now have to call it all "SPAM".... Spam... That doesn't even make any fucking sense! URGH! That's probably the most annoying thing in this article. The fact that Junk E-Mail is called fucking "SPAM"! I know I have already asked this, but what is wrong with this world?! Why do we allow the weakest and dorkiest among us to choose what we call irritating things? We should just go to Samuel L. Jackson and describe things for him to name. ME: "So, what would you call all that irritating E-Mail that one gets that annoy the piss out of oneself?" SAM: "I'd call it 'Mutha Fucka Shit Eatin Kiss My Ass Mail'. That's MoFoSEKMAM fo' short." ME: "I see. So, what would you call Barbara Streisand?" SAM: "Goddamit, white boy! Don't be mentioning her!! You almos' made me lose my lunch!" Then he'd probably just kick my unworthy ass and throw me out a window. Sam is da man! (Go back to the first page if you wanna, whore) The last "stupid, yet funny and NOT annoying" pic I had. This one even has a message. As if I needed a sign to tell me to do it. Note from the Editor: Did you wonder why the Rossman didn't cover anything in the paragraph where he talked about Boy Bands? It's because he's the president of 98 Degrees' fan club and he was afraid that he might let some incriminating evidence out if he started to open his mouth and make fun of them. As to why he seems to be on the list of every major porn site's mailing list? Well, let's just say that it's payback for trying to pretend that my mom was Stifler's mom in American Pie. The debt is still far from repaid. Go to the EXAMINER Homepage