The Refreshments said it best when they wrote, "Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people. So meet me at the mission at midnight, we'll divvy up there."
Now my question is "Why?" Why are there so many fucktards in the world today? Is stupidity contagious? Is it spreading? Used to be that it was mostly my fellow Americans who were beaten by the stupid stick, but now the entire planet seems to be getting paddled by a giant lethargic log (you know what I mean) just about every day. Did Einstein's death open up a dimensional gate to a complex moron universe where a C- is just as good as a B+ used to be? Did that make any sense? Maybe the stupid bug got me too. Who'd be able to tell anymore?
Anyway, I want to dive head first into some Stupid News From Around the Globe, and try to figure out if evolution is starting to reverse itself or if the mass stupid-sightings are just the after effect of the giant population swing that the planet has born witness to in the past 100+ years (i.e. The percentage of stupidity stays the same, but the numbers just increase with the growth in the population as a whole). Nah, I'm just joshin' you. I'm just here to make fun of the re-re's who do their best to look their shit-brainiest for our enjoyment.
First topic I'll cover is penis stupidity. That ought to hold your attention for a little while.
I don't remember where I read about it, but there was this piss-lickingly stupid Russian boy who thought his friends would think he was cool if he took a wizz on a fence that surrounded some kind of nuclear reactor near his town. What was incredibly stupid of the Russian piece of white trash was that there was a sign on the fence warning of some incredible voltage running through the wires. The electricity was so strong that the boy's willy was turned into a literal barbequed bratwurst (sans bun) in just a few seconds. He crisped his little critter like a marshmallow over a campfire. He sent his little soldier to the electric chair without a final meal. And so on.
Now, that's bizarre and stupid enough for most people. At least it should be. But the brilliant Russian doctors/mad scientists who treated the boy came up with a solution to his now packageless crotch that blew my fucking mind: They grew the fucker a new dick on his arm. I cannot make up stuff like that. Trust me, if I tried to make up something funny about doctors making a new penis for a retarded teenager it would involve Nessie, plastic dog poop and Big Jim Slade. They grew the boy a new dick on his arm. The picture included in the actual article will haunt me till the day I die or go to the Total Recall Center for that botched vacation implant I always wanted.
Granted, it wasn't a 100% homegrown, real, feeling cock and balls that they made. Science can only go so far. It was just a lump of skin and some muscle that was in the shape of a giant dong... on the kid's left forearm. It took ten months to grow the thing. Ten months of which I'm sure this dipshit had to weather questions from his friends as to what he had up his sleeve, and whether his name was Oscar Meyer. But he deserved it. Hell, even Beavis (of Beavis and Butthead fame) knew better. He even sang a song about it. "When I was young and I had no sense, I took a wizz on an electric fence. It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls, I took a crap in my overalls." Preach on, brother Beavis.
I'll share with you another quick and painful, stupid penis story before I continue to safer moronic news articles. About a month ago there was some guy in Malaysia who lopped off, then cooked and ate his own penis. He said that he realized that something was wrong when he noticed gallons of blood pouring out of his body from where his pee-pee usually was. Hospital people said that the man was probably high when he operated on his yin yang and turned it into a culinary disaster the likes of which the world has never seen before. No shit. But still, I don't care if you're high, drunk, hypnotized and goaded into doing it by a vicious ex-girlfriend.... I don't know ANY man who wouldn't snap out of the dense feeble-mindedness he was participating in with the first touch of the knife to his love-stick. I can't even imagine a full-blown masochist allowing his personal dominatrix to even joke about cutting off his Shasta McNasty while in the heat of a good ball-whipping. That Malaysian man just ain't right in the head... And stupid. He's pretty stupid too (there, that tied it back into the article rather seamlessly).
Now let's jump on over to Taiwan to see how some of our Asian brethren act when they stop thinking smartly, and start thinking not-too-goodly. There was recently a press release about a twenty something Taiwanese guy who committed suicide by burning charcoal in his bedroom without any ventilation. The way that he killed himself really isn't the funny-stupid part... Though that was a pretty dumb way to go (whatever happened to blowing your head off like a man? Or cutting yourself all over your body and throwing your bloody self into the sea near a pack of great white sharks? Pussy.). The really crotch-kickingly moronic part of this story is why he killed himself. This genius found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him... with himself. You read that right.
It all started when the jealous turd began to doubt his woman's interest and love towards himself. So he created an online personality and ferociously began wooing her through the fictional, electronic alias. But, while he was doing this he completely ignored her in real life. So after a while the girl gave in and agreed to meet the fake guy because, unlike her real-world boyfriend, he was paying attention to her and treating her nice. Well, the retard guy (in the real-world... though who can really say what is "real" anymore) took this news pretty hard. And instead of being a man about it and confronting his two-timing whore, he left her a pathetic letter stating, "Remember that guy you met on the internet? That was me. That is why I must die." Jeesus Homer Christ! That was probably the pussiest thing I had ever heard of. I hope all the other wretches in Hell make fun of this guy for all eternity.
"I killed 108 people across the MidWest back in 1934... I can still taste each and every one of their livers... What you in for, boy?"
"I killed myself because my girlfriend was cheating on me with some guy on-line... who was me."
Next stop, Japan. Ah man, this one's a doozy. A stupid sex-pervert story. First a little background info for those who might not know the Japanese culture all that well. All Japanese men are perverts. Just ask one, he'll even admit to it. But a good 80% of them at least know to keep their disgusting desires and hentai-filled thoughts to themselves until they can make it to an empty bathroom stall, and whack off, or until they can get home and let their personal tentacle-demon that's living in their basement suck them 7 ways till Sunday. The problem is with the last 20% of those hard-up fuckers who can't keep it to themselves.
One of the most popular places in all of Japan for perverts to operate is the Tokyo train system. It's a well known fact that the commuter trains in the mornings and evenings are so completely crowded that each train station actually has people whose job it is is to push as many people onto each car as is humanly possible. I've seen video footage of it, it's like they use that "Vacu-seal" thing that you see on those info-mercials at 3 in the morning after all the good Skin-e-max soft core stuff is over. It's amazing how many little Asian people they can cram into one train! The bad thing about this though is that perverts take complete advantage of the situation and feel up as many women as possible before the crowd thins out. The women can't move or get away, and most of the time they can't even tell who's grabbing their ass.
Well, one career molester kept doing his thing well after rush-hour one evening. And not only was he touching and fondling, but he was taking pictures of women's panties with his cell phone. He kept doing this until one fed up office lady screamed at the top of her lungs at one of the train station stops. The pervert was confused at first, but then made a run for it before the Tokyo pigs showed up. Unfortunately for him, he didn't get off in time... Well, most of him didn't. He ended up getting his wank-rod stuck in the closing train doors, and passed out from the pain. He was picked up at the next stop and arrested (he had a cell phone full of incriminating evidence, don't forget). After being bailed out, the waste of space now spends most of his time squatting at the front of train platforms and sighing as if remembering better times. His closet tentacle man-rape demon must be lonely.
I was originally going to talk about a bunch of stupid people in the U.S. here too, but I figured that everybody the world over already knows that people in the States are all obese idiots. So that just would have been tautological (got a thesaurus for my birthday), so to speak. I guess the whole point of this article is to give my fellow countrymen faith, and let them know that they are not alone in the world when it comes to comical and moronic penis accidents. Hmmmm, I wonder if that's something I should look into for next time... How the dumbest stories all have to do with male genitalia and its subsequent mutilation. I know that there are stupid women in the world (I've dated most of them), but for some reason they don't seem to do stupid things that are funny to write about. They just do stupid things. Oh well, more power to them. I think I'll go whack off to some hard core, foreign porn right now in remembrance of those foreign fucks who lost or damaged their manhood or their pathetic, pathetic lives... and I'll do it because I still can.