A while ago I talked about how the advancement of civilization is creating an anti-Darwinian swing in the stupid population (well, I didn't really talk about that, I mostly just covered retarded penis incidents). People are becoming lazier, more retarded and really really stupid. That's a fact supported by newspapers and Fark.com on a regular basis. Well, recently three pretty large media events have taken place that have proven my "Theories of Mongoloidation" to be scientific FACT. These three news items revolve around stupid Italian communists, stupid people with monkeys, and stupid parents who can't take responsibility for not raising their children right. This month's Examiner is all about the Death of Personal Accountability... May it rest in peace and not mock us too much from it place in Heaven.

So, did you hear the one about the communist, Italian, retard reporter who, in an attempt to get her government to withdraw its troops from Iraq and therefore make democracy fail, went to the combat zone and got herself kidnapped and then shot at by U.S. forces when she was freed 'cause her getaway car sped at a military checkpoint at night without any warning that she was coming?... That was pretty much the joke and the punchline.

The first, and probably biggest, piece of news that I want to talk about is this commie fucktard. See, this mongo works for the Italian communist publication, IL Manifesto (or some shit like that... You'll find that I refuse to look up even the most trivial and easiest to find pieces of information for this or any article I write, and instead use hearsay and faintly remembered gossip), and she thought it'd be spiffy to waltz right into insurgent occupied lands in Iraq, while the U.S. led occupational force was still trying to kill all the bad insurgents, and interview a handful of people and try to get them to say stuff like, "The U.S. suxor." Well, for some reason she wasn't having much luck (I guess the Iraqis LIKE being free and having other countries fight for their liberty... Hmmm, who'd have guessed?), so she convinced some insurgents to play kidnap her in order to get her own Italian government to see that the insurgents weren't all bad people, and to get her gov to pull the several thousand Italian troops out of the desert country.

Well, for the longest time (upwards of a month [which should show how fake her kidnapping was since a real insurgent kidnapping involves killing the hostage after only days of confinement]) she kept appearing in newscasts and shit saying crap like "I am an Italian citizen! Please save our own soldiers' lives, Italy, of whom I am a citizen! Bring them home! I also want to say hi to my communist husband, my communist mother, and my communist lesbian lover. The French silk pie that my captors served me last night for dessert after my 5 course meal was a bit too sweet for me, but other than that things are good. They did threaten to not let me watch the Oprah show if I didn't stop praying to Lenin every night before bed, but I hate that American pig-dog program anyway, because it says that fat, ugly women can speak their own mind! Fuck you, Oprah!... Anyway, how's the weather up there in my boot-country?" And so forth. Seriously, it seemed like she was just on an extended sleep-over with access to satellite-broadcasting. And then, begrudgingly, the Italian government actually negotiated for her release (another clue that her "kidnapping" was BS... The Italians swore they would not remove any troops from the war, and yet they still got this bitch back... Hostage takers don't cop out on shit like that, they behead), and had a few intelligence officers get her the fuck out of Dodge.

This is when this shit gets reeeeeeeally retarded. See, the commie bitch was being taken out of Bagdad (or Tikrit, or Fallujah or wherever the fuck she was "captured") at night, in a non-military vehicle, and they never told the U.S. troops at a highway checkpoint, on the road that they were traveling down, that they were coming. So, instead of slowing down, and letting the Americans check to make sure they weren't a suicide bomber and explosive cargo (as had been the case more often than not, on that very same war torn road for the past half a year), the Italians sped the fuck up and shot towards the military checkpoint as if they were a group of teenagers, with middle-fingers extended, cruising past a parked cop. But instead of just laughing at their own shenanigans with some stoned friends over some underage drinking later on, the Italians were shot at by the American soldiers. And they were seriously like "What the FUCK!?!?" That would be like me, as a kid, punching my baby sister Jaime in the face, right in front of our mother, and then wondering why she spanked my ass red within a matter of seconds. YOU STUPID COMMIE BITCH!

The U.S. forces saw a car coming out of the darkness, shined a bright spotlight on it, and when it continued speeding at them they believed it was another suicide bomber coming to meet his friends in Hell. So they fired. They shot the driver (the only way to make 100% sure the car stopped), and fired a few more shots inside the cabin. Unfortunately the commie bitch who started this whole fubar operation in the first place was not the one to die. A brave Italian special agent actually shielded her from a bullet (though it's Carl's guess that the whore grabbed the poor guy and forced him in front of her). Anyway, the commie whore was then taken to the closest U.S. military base, and fixed up, fed and then returned to her unwanting country. Once home, she started lying her ass off about what actually happened. She claimed the U.S. soldiers knew it was her in the car and tried to kill her with a "rain of bullets," something like "300 - 400 rounds." She also said that there were no warnings and that the U.S. soldiers' actions were unforgivable. See, this is why commies suck ass. First of all, here's her escape car:

300 - 400 rounds of automatic fire would have turned this fucker into moldy Swiss cheese... Swiss cheese half eaten by a herd of rabid rats who then died from the mold and turned into a sort of cottage cheese-like substance themselves. This thing looks like it just had a minor fender bender. Secondly, despite her claims that the U.S. soldiers didn't warn THEIR SPEEDING (possibly suicide bomber filled) AUTO, both the U.S. troops and her surviving Italian agent guys state that the U.S. shined a bright light on them well before the shooting began. Let me put it to you this way, imagine that it's you who's just been freed from your month-long play confinement by bad guys. You and your posse are cruising down the most dangerous stretch of highway in the country (and the WORLD), and you know that U.S. troops (whom the rest of the world knows as "trigger happy sadists") have a checkpoint (armed to the teeth with people-killing weapons aimed at people in cars like you) somewhere down the lonely lonely road you're traveling. Do you: (A) Tell the driver to slow down and do whatever any U.S. troops say to do? (B) Tell your fellow Italians to radio somebody in charge to let the Americans know that you're coming? (C) Speed up to 80 MPH and try to blow past the checkpoint as if you were the Duke boys and the silly Americans were Roscoe P. Coltrane trying to pin a falsified traffic violation on them? Goo-goo-goo-gooooooo!

How fucking retarded do you have to be to choose (C)?! The MegaPlayboy failed his driver's test 14 times (he still doesn't have a real license not from Count Chocula), but even he knows to respect any authoritai that would want him to stop, or he risks an even bigger ass pounding when they forcibly stop his pimped out Caddy with the spinning rims and heywouldjablowme flames on the sides. This commie mongoloid did pretty much EVERYTHING wrong that she possibly could, and yet the only person to catch hell for her stupidity was that Italian agent guy just trying to do his job. Oh, and if the U.S. troops really and truly wanted her dead, why the Hell didn't they just put a bullet in her brain and set her car on fire? They were in the middle of nowhere. Nobody would have ever known what became of commie-bitch-whore. I mean, they gave her fucking medical attention!!!

The kicker to this retarded tale is how this commie whore refused any responsibility for starting this whole mess in the first place. If John Paul II wasn't so ill right now you just know even he'd shove a grenade up her commie twat and then throw her off the Vatican balcony to explode before she splattered on the stoney pavement below. "The U.S. fired upon me on purpose! They knew it was me coming!" Jeesus! Don't YOU have a huge opinion of yourself, sweetheart... Own up, bitch! Don't blame the G.I.s who were just doing their jobs and trying to save their own lives while in the middle of a WAR. And explain to that slain agent's family why he had to die because of your unworthy re-re ass. Whore!

Okay, now on to some other topics. Normally I'd say this next one was at least a lot funnier than the story about the commie-whore above, just for the fact that it contains chimps in it, but once you read what the hell these chimps did... Well, it'll make you think twice before laughing at that that internet clip of the chimp that sniffs his own finger, after scratching his butt with it, and passes out. Heh heh. Wait a minute, I've got to find that clip right now. I'll be back.

Bwa ha ha ha! Always worth the 10 minutes it takes to find, download, and watch twenty times in a row. That always cracks me the fuck up. Anyway, there was this couple in California who, 33 years ago, took in a baby female chimp and raised it as their own child. After 30 years they had to turn the old monkey (yeah, chimps aren't monkeys, but if I wrote this whole article and didn't use the word "monkey" more than once, I'd have to beat myself up with a rake) in to some special, exotic animal farm. I don't recall whether some bitchy neighbor finally turned them in for keeping an illegal animal in their house, or if the 60-something couple was just too old to care for the ape anymore. Whatever. That's not important. Just keep up with me here and save your stupid questions till the end. So, the chimp then spent the next 3 years at this special farm. This past year, on the chimp's birthday, the old couple brought her a cake (apparently, like they always did), and were allowed to eat it with their monkey at a little monkey-party (holy crap! Can you imagine attending a real, live monkey party?!? Imagine if they dressed the monkeys up like clowns and shit too! Oh man, fucking awesome!). Soon, however, the fun monkey party was turned into a Manson-family monkey party, when two male chimps from close-by cages crashed the event and (squeamish readers, STOP READING FOR A FEW LINES) bit off the old man's hand and foot, crushed his face in, ripped off his nads like a sack of baby-batter-filled marbles, and then proceeded to beat the living tar out of the poor schmuck until the zoo officials shot the two male chimps to holy Hell. YOU MAY BEGIN READING AGAIN, if you so choose.

Somehow, the man lived (honestly though, who would want to live past that?), and he and his wife can't understand what happened. The zoo officials on the other hand, can't understand how the two other apes got out of their cages. Now, let's think about this logically for a second, shall we? There are indeed several possibilities as to how these godawful and disgusting events unfolded: (A) The chimps were magic and simply "wished" themselves out of their cages. (B) The chimps were really from the Planet of the Apes, and they built scientifically advanced tools to harness the power of the sun in order to create a miniature supernova that exploded their locks and allowed them to join in the happening monkey party already in progress. Or (C) The RETARDED old fups thought "Hey, our monkey is tame and civilized, so those two male chimpies must be too! Let's let them join us while the zoo people are not around! It'll be a hoot, Mabel!" Now, I haven't been able to find anything more on this article since I originally read about it last week, but this is the only thing that makes sense... As stupid as it makes those old fucks out to be, it is the only thing that makes sense -- And after reading about Occam's Razor (which states "Given a choice between two explanations, choose the simplest -- the explanation which requires the fewest, non-retarded assumptions") it should be clear to you too. The zoo people were quoted as saying they were confused about how the shit hit the fan so spectacularly, and obviously none of them would be stupid enough to allow two MALE apes (with the combined strength of one hundred and fifty 60 year-old mongoloids) to attend a female ape's social gathering with no Steve Irwins present to kick their monkey asses if they got too rowdy. And the ape cages would have to have been pretty strong and escape proof if they weren't able to break out of them for the past three years that the female chimp had been in their domain (and you just KNOW they were humping their swinging tires the minute they brought that beautiful, older chimp-bitch into their territory). It is my, and Matt ^3's opinion that the old fucks brought this shit on themselves... And two monkeys had to die for their stupidity. Christ. What kind of a world do we live in where innocent, rampaging monkeys have to die because two retarded retirees thought they wouldn't eat their faces if cake was present?!?! Why, God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????

And finally, I want to talk about parents who are too stupid to raise their own children. If you've ever been shocked to find out that your kid watches violent movies and TV shows where people die... You're too stupid to raise children. If you ever had a heart attack when you found out that your kid knows how to look up porn on the world wide web... You're too stupid to raise children. If you've ever tried to get the U.S. government to allow you to sue video game makers because they make video games in which the player can shoot people... You're too stupid to raise children and you should probably commit seppuku in order to save what little dignity you might possibly have left in your pathetic little life.

Kids will find dirty and violent images if they want to. They will. Face it. I grew up with Bugs Bunny, G.I. Joe and Tom and Jerry... And G.I. Joe was the least violent of those three. Characters, in the shows that I watched when I was a wee lad, got bashed, crushed, sliced up and blown up, and yet I didn't go around passing out lit dynamite to people, or smashing hot irons in their faces. Want to know why? Because I wasn't STUPID and I could tell fact from fiction... But also because I knew that if I did something mean like that I WOULD GET MY ASS HANDED TO ME by my parents. THAT'S why kids today are shooting eachother, stabbing eachother and blowing eachother up: Because their parents don't punish them when they do stupid or bad things... So the kids' stupid and bad behavior starts to escalate, becoming stupider and badder; and the parents just continue to ignore it even well past their kids' usefulness in society. Then they have to find blame with somebody, and it sure as HELL ain't gonna be with them and their parenting skills. Noooooooo way. Uh uh. Nope, it must be the fault of the makers of video games. Yeah, they put those "Mature" stickers on Grand Theft Auto, but they KNEW that kids would buy it and play it, and then try to shoot somebody because a video game character did it and got away with it. Don't blame the parents for actually buying the game for the kid in the first place and ignoring that sticker. It ain't the parents' fault! *Sigh* And honestly, look in your hearts: Do you seriously think that the little fuck who stabbed his classmate in the throat with a pencil wasn't gonna do something like that without playing Splinter Cell? He was a little monster, of COURSE he was eventually gonna end up in the slammer getting salami-slammed by Ben Dover. The reason for his behavior, though, was either a chemical imbalance (due to his parents' sloppy genes), or SHITTY CHILD REARING. More often than not it's SHITTY CHILD REARING that is the culprit... But as long as the government says it's okay to sue video game makers for SHITTY CHILD REARING, the blame will always fall on someone other than the true culprit, stupid parents.

In the seventies it was apparently rock music that was to blame for shitty child rearing. I seem to remember a case where some stupid parents tried to sue Ozzy for their son's suicide... Like it's Ozzy's fault that the kid was completely mental and that the parents didn't see the warning signs (signs like the kid would ONLY LISTEN TO HEAVY, DEATH-METAL MUSIC BY OZZY)... You know that Ozzy's music was only a warning sign of the kid's obvious problem, and not the cause, don't you?... If not, you are too stupid to raise children. In the eighties it was violent movies. Yes, it was Commando and Rambo's fault that Timmy pushed Tara off the swing at recess... It had nothing at all to do with the fact that his parents constantly let him get away with that kind of shit at home all the time. Now it's video games. And the U.S. government is actually debating whether stupid parents should be able to sue people who make fictional entertainment because of their own shitty child rearing. This is more retarded than anything Corky ever did. Read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, people. Willy Wonka makes it painfully clear that "If a child is rotten, it's the parents' fault." Oh, and you want to talk violence that should be sue-able? Read the ultra-Christian Chronicles of Narnia. In those books, it's children that kill other humans and intelligent creatures with swords and bows and arrows (not fictional soldiers and made-up, grown-up gang members). If you're going to blame video games for being violent, all you retard parents out there, sue the Christian writers of the world who promote children-violence too. The C.S. Lewis estate is LOADED! They're just dying for a lawsuit. Dying... just like Jose is now dying in the gutter after 13 year-old Luiz gutted him with a butterfly knife... Not because his parents never taught him that "stabbing your homies over a bad drug deal is not nice," though. Nope. He killed his bro because a video game character did it... Christ, if this ability to sue people because of shitty child rearing actually does pass, I'm going to declare my house and property "The Republica of Rossmania" and stop paying taxes and legalize prostitution on my sovereign soil -- and if the U.S. Government arrests me, I'm going to sue all three branches for putting the thought of revolution in my head themselves by originally rebelling against England. It was all George Washington and Thomas Jefferson's fault, dammit!

Sweet Zombie Jesus! This is all so stupid: Both the news I wrote about and my writing style itself. It was all over the goddamn place. But whatever, I'm not taking any responsibility for my actions. I think I'll blame somebody else. It must have been all the gun-wielding, commie chimps in the world that caused this page to be such a royal mess. It's all their fault! Go sue them if this page hurts your brain. They made me do it. No, wait... No, I will take personal accountability for my own stupid actions. I admit it, I wrote this bogus trash. DEAL WITH IT.

And just to reiterate, in case you too are a stupid retard, my point for the above article is this: IF YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID, DO NOT TRY TO BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE FOR IT. IT WAS YOU WHO DID IT, NOT THEM. NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING. No, they can't even MAKE you do something with a gun to your head (well, I guess they can make you die... But that's it). You always have a choice to do the smart thing, or the mongo thing. If you say "Yar's Revenge made me do the mongo thing," we can see right through your transparent lies; and your retarded excuses just insult both you and us.