The Rossman here. Get ready people, it's that time again. Time for my friend Malcolm Z to educate the masses on something that most people don't fully understand or appreciate: the mess that is New Orleans and the rest of the area hit by Hurricane Katrina on August 29th, 2005. Once again I feel the need to warn you -- You WILL be offended by what he has to say. No matter what your views or opinions are. Malcolm Z has a tendency to speak the truth, even if you don't want to hear it. Hell, I'M offended by this thing and I'll use my own mother as a shield and ammunition in an insult contest. He really just lets loose here... So now, let's hear it for Malcolm Z!

Disasters and catastrophes, muthafuckers, are always the result of lots of things going wrong at the same damn time. It's never just a fuckin' iceberg in the Atlantic, it's a fuckin' iceberg, a ship with no floodgates, a blind watchman with no binoculars, a sped up arrival time, and a bunch of whining white people fightin' over too few fuckin' life boats. In the case of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath in the Southern United States in late August, 2005, it was a case of a fuckin' category 4 hurricane, a city built 6+ feet below sea level right on the coast, retarded fucks who wouldn't evacuate, a poorly designed levee system holding back a fuckin' lake that could break if a crack ho was fuckin' up against it, a dipshit mayor, an unprepared governor, a not-so-much on the ball Federal Emergency Manwhore Association (FEMA), and a delayed evacuation brought on by shitloads of miscommunications and stupid government people.

The Before

This shit was bound to fuckin' happen sooner or later, as some scientists and other fuckers with the initials P, H, and D attached to they damn names discovered way back in 2003 or so. They did a computer simulation on what would happen to Nawleans if a simple category 3 hurricane hit the city dead on.... What did that simulation say? Why, exactly what the fuck really happened in 2005. The levees would not be able to handle all this shit. They would fuckin' break and 80% of the sunk city would be fuckin' flooded. Wow, good job, eggheads. Now, why the fuck wasn't anything done about it? Who the fuck knows. I'm sure it was something like the local government people were all like "Oh shit, man! That's gonna cost a fuck load of money to fix! Why don't we just pour all our money and effort into praying that God won't hit us with no goddamn hurricane in the first place? Now that's a plan!" Well, you damn, crazy crackers, apparently God hates your damn city as much as I do. But you didn't even make any kind of evacuation plans, you fuckin' whores. You knew that a bunch of the insane muthafuckas in the city would stay despite a city-wide evac. Yet you did jack shit to get them out, against their damn will, if necessary. Fuck you.

On the flip side of that argument, WHAT THE FUCK were you stupid bitches doing, staying behind and not evacuating when they told you that a goddamn hurricane is coming to town, and you know your city is BELOW THE GODDAMN level of the sea! Seriously, because of the weight of all the buildings and such, New Orleans, Louisiana (NOLA) sinks a couple of inches every damn year. Think about that shit, morons. And all those pansies crying "But they was all poor, black folk who got flooded! The white man should have done more to save their crazy asses!" Bull-muthafuckin'-shit! Yeah, most of the population who didn't leave town was living in Government housing, earning getting free goddamn food and shit for sitting on their asses everyday... But I used to live in the housing in this damn college town myself, and let me tell you something; every fuckin' brotha had a damn car there, and most was nicer than all them cars them white kids were driving that daddy bought them before heading off to school. But let's say for a moment that the thousands of poor bastards living in the ass end of NOLA really didn't have ANY fuckin' cars; they all just stayed in their homes! If I knew I was living below the level of the goddamn ocean, and a giant, hurricane flood was coming, and I had a day and a half to fuckin' prepare, I would SO get the fuck out of harm's way, and at least get to higher ground. And one more thing, if you sissy, liberals are gonna cry that these poor fucks' situation ain't their fault, get the fuck out of your dreamworld and join us in reality, bitches. If I, one of the laziest muthafuckas on the whole damn planet could pull myself up, get off the damn welfare and get a job at the Rossman's airplane-pukebag factory, then anybody fuckin' can. The government that you whiney bastards are so quick to piss on for not reactin' and not rescuin' these fucks is THE SAME GOVERNMENT that's given them FREE FOOD and HOUSING for their entire fuckin' lives. Fuck all of you.

Oh, and Jesse Jackson, you da man and all that most of the time, but just shut your mouth up when talkin' about shit you don't know nothin' about... Telling the world that this mess of not evacuatin' the brothas was because white folk with cars didn't pick up a black man and get him out of town. What the fuck is wrong with your brain?! First of all, you're insinuatin' that only white people have cars. Second of all, you're insinuating that all white people are the devil (they are, but they're not that fuckin' evil as to drive past a row of drowning brothas and laugh as they speed on by). Third of all, you actually think a poor, black man is gonna get into the car of a strange white man, no questions asked? What the goddamn fuck, man? You crazy. You just crazy. This is dumber than that time that you called the Taliban and tried to talk them out of condoning the blowing up of our buildings. You just crazy. Oh, then you had to go and say that the lines of evacuees in the Superdome, ready to be bused out of there, reminded you of Africans being lined up for the slave ships... Yeah, Jesse, except the NOLA folks was just getting rescued from death and disease. Would you rather they'd stayed? You so fuckin' crazy, Jesse.

So anyway, Katrina was comin' and all them crazy muthafucks was just sittin' there, thinkin' they was invincible or someshit... Then the hurricane hit... And everybody thought "Shit, is that all? Just some wind and rain? Fuck you, Katrina, you dirty fucka!" But then, after the storm fuckin' passed, the levees broke.

The During

This is when all the bad shit started to really happen. The flood was pretty quick, and lots of people got caught up in it. Yeah, they was stupid for not leaving town, or even getting their asses to higher ground, but nobody deserves to fuckin' die that way. That's just horrible. Okay, maybe Hitler and Stalin deserve that shit, but that's it.

Shit went South fast, and people panicked. They were told tons of different things by the confused and overworked police, and most evacuees ended up wading through 6 feet of dirty and diseased water for hours while they were told that they were evacuating to the wrong places. Finally, several thousand made it to that muthafuckin' Superdome, and they thought the were saved. And they were, at least from the rising waters. But they were not safe from each other and the goddamn stupidity of the government. See, my theory holds true, disasters are the fault of many fuckin' pieces that fall into place in the worst possible way. FEMA and the NOLA city officials dropped the ball on this muthafuckin' play, no doubt, but the evacuees themselves just made things worse. And yes, fuckas, I know that not EVERY bastard there was to blame, but it never is "everyone," is it? FEMA kept fuckin' up with where to send the evacuees, and then they kept fuckin' up with how to respond to the situation. They made things worse by not responding at all in some cases. First hand accounts from some NOLA police officers were saying shit like "We need martial law declared, and some fuckin' order in this town, or it will tear itself to shreds!" But FEMA kept Washington from sending any more support by claiming that everything was under control (and they was slowed down in the first place when both the governor and the mayor of NOLA refused Bush's phone calls for assistance TWICE EACH [yes, it is actually documented that Bush called both the mayor and gov. twice to try and get them to accept federal help while the hurricane was still hitting the city... Both offers to each were denied, mothafucka]). This was the day after the flood, when they had thousands of poor fucks cooped up in the dark, and smelly Superdome with no food, water or change of clothes, and thousands more still trapped in or on top of their flooded houses. Yeah, muthafuckas, good job there. That's like farting on a goddamn forest fire and assuring the firefighters right in front of you that they can put their damn hoses away... You got that shit covered.

But let's get back to the other side of the problem. The welfare refugees. Yeah, most of them were just poor fucks who wanted to get the hell away from the whole nightmare. But, there was a good portion of them who took advantage of this fuckin' catastrophe and started looting, shooting and rampaging.... You wonderin' where I'm going here, but stick with me. Trust the Z-Man. Yes, there was lootin' going on. It even started BEFORE the fuckin' flood. That's just shitty. What a shitty thing to do. People of every color were breaking into stores and stealing a hundred pair of basketball shoes, or a couple big screen TVs, or alcohol, or even CDs and DVDs... That's called stealing, plain and simple. Then, when the flooding began, muthafuckin' COPS were seen looting too! And I don't mean the cops who's job it was to get all the guns out of Wal-Mart before the hoodlums gots them. Nope, these cops were stealing shoes too. Goddamn pigs. Any fuckin' way, soon the vandalism began and parts of the city were set on fire. You sick fucks. How deranged do you gotta be to start burnin' yo own city to the ground? I'll tell you, REALLY fuckin' sick. Some fuckas were even shooting at rescue helicopters that were trying to either save people or drop off much needed supplies. I hope all you shootin' sons of whores go to Hell. Sick, sick fucks.

Now, I got another theory as to why the fuck this shit got so bad. This ain't gonna be a popular theory with non-realists, but I think I'm on to something here. See, most of the time, when big, bad shit like this happens (think 9/11), the whole city of survivors comes together and helps their fellow man out. Rescues begin immediately, and clean up starts right after the bad shit happens. But in NOLA, just the opposite happened. People went bat-shit loco. Why? Well, I think that the reason people got violent and started attackin' and burnin' shit is because the only leftover survivors were welfare recipients who never HAD anything in the first place. Their house was free. Food, free. Lifestyle, unearned and free. They didn't lose anything of value. They had no respect for other people and other people's property. If some of the stories coming from the Superdome were true (and, muthafuckas, keep in mind they have yet to be confirmed), some sick fucks even started raping and killing poor people when the lights went out! When whiney white people start complaining that the NOLA survivors were being treated worse than "third world country peoples," they meant by their own government as a shot to W, but I translated it to mean "by each other." Their lack of respect for others' property and lives was worse than how most third world dictators treat their own people. That shit is SO messed up.

So, NOLA was flooded, 80% of the cops (according to some reports) just up and quit and ran away, and the survivors of the mess were treating the wet town like it was their own personal Lord of the Flies. And yeah, I read that muthafuckin' book, whore. I know what the fuck I'm talkin' about here. Days later FEMA pretty much abandoned the town as well, but called it something like a tactical retreat, and eventually the government sent in the National Guard, and then the marines and shit. Yeah, they brought order to the city, but mostly through fear. Though I guess with everyone actin' like madmen that really was the only way to handle that shit.

Speaking of handling that shit, I do want to comment on a few things that others are getting pissy about without understanding jack shit about the fuckin' background of the problems. Two individual photos were taken of two separate people, each carrying food and provisions through the flooded streets. One picture was of a honkey, the other of a brother. The honkey picture was captioned with "This woman went out into the flooded streets to find food," while the other picture of the black man said something like "Picture of a man looting in the wake of Katrina." Now, before you get all upset and shit about the unfairness of this crap, listen to the fucking "behind the scenes stories" (you hear me, Kanye West, you uneducated, retarded muthafucka?). The white woman was photo'd in the streets; more than likely she "looted" a store for food (who the fuck wouldn't in this situation), but there was no proof that she did. The black man was witnessed coming out of a store with his hands full of food and shit. He was seen looting. Once again, who the fuck wouldn't loot for food in the same situation? So, the journalists behind each photo and caption could only write what they knew. The white woman had food (fuckin' found it somewhere *cough* looted *cough*), and the black man was seen looting. Honestly, people, this is the most nonsensical fuckin' thing to argue over. Instead argue over why FEMA thought they had everything under control for 3-4 days before calling in for backup. Or argue over why Bush didn't change Katrina's path so that it didn't hit the Gulf Coast of the US, and instead fucked over Castro or Mexico... Oh wait, THAT'S an even stupider muthafuckin' thing to argue about. You goddamn liberal fascist dipshits! Shut the fuck up about how Katrina was Bush's fault. Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU, you fat fuck, Michael Moore! Shut the fuck up. Just stuff more pie down your mouth and let the rescuers get back to work. Goddamn it! I don't like Bush that much myself. I didn't vote for the fucker either time. But this kind of shit is so anti-fuckin'-productive. Name and blame calling... It's almost as gay as Sean Penn taking a fishing boat filled with body guards and photographers out into the flood for some photo ops (and yeah, that shit's true as shit is brown. I laughed my ass off when I saw that pic of him to the right, bailing his dinky boat out with a Dixie cup when it sprung a leak before he even got the chance to "rescue" anyone). There wasn't even room on his boat for more than one more person to be saved. What a retarded white prick.

So the army and shit finally came to town, but people still weren't getting evacuated. Instead, the big jeeps and trucks and shit would drive by the poor fucks in the streets and toss water and supplies to them from a safe distance, all the while keeping guns aimed at them till they were far the fuck enough away. Okay, I understand, they might have been trying to keep the people from rushing them for the needed food and water and shit, but there must have been a better way to handle that situation. Christ! The word from the survivors was that most of the stuff chucked from the jeeps (and helicopters) was damaged. Water bottles broke, food dirtied, supplies fucked up. Come on, Mr. Army, I know you don't want to be there, but how the fuck do you think those poor sons of bitches who NEED those fuckin' supplies feel? I'm pretty positive they don't wants to be there even more that you. At least you still have a home to go back to when the day is done. You still know that all your family and friends and pets are alive and well. Fuck, it's been two weeks and most of the poor slobs who lost somebody still don't know that they lost them. Cut them some slack, okay?

Oh, and to Ray Noggin (or whatever the fuck your name is), the mayor of New Orleans (or what the fuck's left of it): SHUT THE FUCK UP! Yeah, you pissed about your city getting killed. We get you. But you know what? A good part of this snafu is YOUR FAULT. You knew that the levee could (and possibly would) break. You knew that 80% of your city would be flooded if it did. You knew what had to be done in order to save all the government housed people's lives... Yet you did nothing. No muthafuckin' buses to get them to safety before Katrina hit. No help once the water came in. No nothing, except you blasting Bush for the national fuckin' government's slow reaction time. You claimed that nobody was willing to step up and take charge of the situation, and you put the fuckin' blame EVERYWHERE but on you. If you thought that nobody was in charge, assfuck, then get off your pampered little ass and take charge! I mean, you actually WERE supposed to be in charge! Goddamn it, fucker! You and the governor could have turned this whole thing around much earlier than it eventually did by steppin' up to the goddamn plate yourselves. Instead, all you fuckin' did was point a finger. Well, I'm pointing a finger at you right now. Guess which one.

The Aftermath

After all this shit hit the fan, there's still a massive cleanup to do, and hundreds of thousands of poor fucks with no homes left. Hundreds of firefighters and other such helpful fuckers volunteered to help with the massive cleanup, and were trained to handle and told to expect the worst situation they could imagine... But they're all still sitting on their asses in their respective states drinking beer (the firefighters' admission, not anything I made the fuck up) and waiting... Waiting for FEMA to call them in. Waiting and wasting time and money. There's also the story about FEMA not telling evacuees WHERE they were being shipped to until after the plane doors closed behind them. And we should not forget of FEMA's really stupid attempt to pass out debit cards (with $2,000 stored on them) to the refugees, which hours later were being used to buy $60 worth of beer and $800 purses (Seriously, if the whole fuckin' catastrophe of the levees breaking wasn't seen ahead of time, THIS pissing away of government money should have been. Think about it, most of these people are poor for a reason -- They SUCK at handling money!). Seriously, the longer this goes on the more FEMA fucks up in a grand way. Anyway, a biggest fuck up falls into the department of the people who were stored in the Superdome and who were split up and placed all over the fuckin' place, from Texas to Georgia. Thousands of sports arenas and government buildings are now housing them. But this just causes more problems that nobody's even thought about yet. These people were removed en masse from the dome. No identification or anything on them. Most are good-natured, law abiding welfarers who just want three hot meals and a pillow (like what we've been givin' the fuckers for years and years already)... But, don't forget that there might be rapists hiding in these groups. Too many people in the Superdome originally claimed "rape" for that to NOT be taken seriously. Yeah, no corpses were found when the clean up crews got into the dome, but rape is just as bad as murder. And on top of that, some prisons were emptied into the dome when the fuckin' floods came, and the hard core prisoners (some lifers, from what I understand) just blended into the crowds so that days later when the prison officials came to get them again, nobody responded to "Is anybody here a fuckin' prisoner? Cause we's gonna lock you away again if you answer." So, among the thousands of refugees are escaped convicts who committed God-only-knows what crimes. And now, some of these people are free, and in places like university gymnasiums, just yards away from co-ed dormitories. Holy fuckin' shit. Can you imagine the news stories when (I'm guessing this is a "when" and not an "if", considering the refugees are being allowed to stay in these places for anywhere from 4 - 12 months) one of these escaped cons does something to a young, white, college girl? Holy fuckin' shit... Well, the moronic media might just blame Bush for this too. You know, why the fuck didn't he just invite all the refugees to camp out on the White House lawn?.. What a presidential asshole!

To Sum the Fuck Up

Let me just refresh your memories by stating that I believe this whole big Hurricane Katrina fuck up is everybody's fault. It's the federal government's fault for fuckin' listening to FEMA and not sending in real help right away. It's the state and city government's fault for not fixing the levees beforehand, for not evacuating those who couldn't or wouldn't leave on their own, and by only making the matter worse and adding fuel to the fire by pointing blame elsewhere. It's the citizens of New Orleans' fault for NOT GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY of a category 4 storm (seriously, if a brotha truly wants to get out of town, he can get out of town faster than Flo Jo being chased by a guy in a hood). It's Kanye West, Michael Moore, and Pierce Brosnan's faults for talking about shit that they don't understand and pissing more people off despite their political beliefs. It's the city planners and levee creators' fault for not building the whole town to withstand a fuckin' category 3 storm (let alone a 4). It's Mother Nature's fault for hurling the WORST NATURAL DISASTER on US soil EVER straight at us. And most importantly, muthafuckas, it's President Bush's fault for not time traveling back to the 28th of August and teleporting the city away before the hurricane hit. Fuck you, Bush!

Updated on September 3rd, 2008 (A week after Hurricane Gustav)

To all you mothafuckas out there, all those who claimed, "Oooooo, Malcolm, there's no way all them bitches could have gotten out'a NOLA for Katrina even though theys wanted to! You so stupid!"... Well, YOU the mothafuckin' stupid ones now, whores! They evacked the ENTIRE FUCKIN' CITY in time for Gustav, 3 years later... Proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the citizens was all as stupid as Naggin (or whatever the fuck that self-proclaimed mayor of "Chocolate City"'s name is) for stayin' and puttin' they lives on the line the first time. Goddamn retards... 'Least theys did learn they lesson this time.