Tea with the Rossman
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The letter below is why I created this site, to get responses from chicks that I had crushes on when I was a kid. This is just beautiful. I think I'm going to be slamming more television shows and movies in the future. Then maybe some gorgeous babes will start coming over to my house to personally thank me for remembering their long forgotten careers.

The Message:

Dear "the Rossman":

Tootie and FattieI am writing to you in regard to your article about "retarded 1980s television programs (editor's link to the webpage in question)." My name is Kim Fields and I played the character known as "Tootie" on the show The Facts of Life.

I just wanted to tell you that I thought that your very hateful and spiteful words are completely mean spirited and not funny in the least. Mindy Cohn, who played the character of Natalie Green, is a very good friend of mine. Your attacks about her weight are malevolent and, as you have put it, retarded. Mindy has been trying to get thin her whole life. To make fun of her condition for being different is beneath even an 8 year old who likes to pull the wings off of tortured flies.

I hope that you are not as evil a man/boy as you appear to be. That would be torture on your parents.

Kim Fields (editor's note: she played the part of Tootie on The Facts of Life)

My Response to Tootie:

TOOTIE!!!! Whoo-hoo! I met Tootie!! Holy crap! This is awesome! I mean, damn! You're Tootie!! I so wanted to fuck you when I was 11 years old! You were definitely the best Facts of Life girl! Even better than George Clooney!!

Hey, you know what? If you and Jo and Blair ever want to get some four-way action going on, just give me a call! Hell, even if it's just you that'd be fine by me! Just don't invite that fatty Natalie. She'd break my fucking bed! God I hate her fat ass! If you ever go out to lunch with her (which would probably turn into dinner too), punch her for me and tell her "it was from the Rossman." Thanks!

-the Rossman


This letter and my response are self explanitory.

The Message:

hello russman!        i realy do love you're webpage about hot anime girls . you are real funmny and i just wanted too say that you are great!! ^_^ also i want you to send me hot pictures of some girls with out clothes. if you have them send them to either 2535 ********* drive in sprindgale utah 84767 or you can email me at **********@yahoo.com.    if you have real women naked sned them to. i would realy like to see them. you are the greatest!!! ^_^

My Response:

There are so many things that are wrong with your letter, and grammar and spelling are the least of your worries.

First of all, in case you didn't notice, my site is not a porn site. Second of all, if I did have a private stash of electronic pornography why would I share it with your sorry Mormon ass?

I mean, it's not as if pornography is the hardest thing in the world to find on the net. All you have to do is go to google.com and type in "Disney" or "Barney the dinosaur" and you'll get a list of sites that cater to your every perverted need. Why solicit a so called comedy site for whack-off material?

Now the real problem that I see here is that you live in Utah and there is not a naked girl (hot or not) around for hundreds of miles. Women there shower fully dressed and put on clean clothes before they take off their dirty ones. They're that afraid of hurting their god's feelings by letting him see a little "follower titty."

My advice to you is to first look up some good porn on your daddy's computer. Then pack up your conservative clothes without plastic buttons and move to L.A. where you can become a super-porn-star superhero ala Orgasmo. Let him be your idol. Nickname yourself "The Load Blower" and start blowing your load all up and over Tera Patrick and Kobe Tai. Then write me when you're having fun banging 6 girls at a time and I'll take your leftovers.

-the Rossman

Every once in a while I get mail (from retarded assholes like this). These letters make me stop and think about life in general and the "how's and why's" of the universe. Like "how can a person this mentally fucked up actually live long enough (without killing himself by eating paint chips or running head first into walls) to actually learn how to read and write in order to send me this letter." Damn civilization!! It's destroyed Darwinism!

The Message:
Subject: attention time travelers and aliens

If you are an alien disguised as human and or have the technology
to travel physically through time I need your help!
Also if you are from, I'm not sure this is the correct
pronunciation: The planet (Valnator) please reply.
My life has been severely tampered with and cursed by a very evil
women of my past.
I have suffered tremendously!
I need to be able to:
Travel physically back in time.
Rewind my life including my age.
Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life
from being tampered with again after I go back.
I am in great danger and need this immediately!
Only if you are an alien or have this technology please send me a
separate email to:



My Response:


Are you trying to be funny? Are you a retard who got away from his captors long enough to send out this message to one lucky individual in the world in the hopes of some kind of help?
Oh, I just saw your e-mail address. You're an AOLer. You really are a re-re. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Please don't go all psycho and shit and try to hunt me down in order to crush me in your big mentally handicapped hug!!!

Honestly though, I hope you do get to go back in time some day, but I hope you go so far back that you revert to sperm, and as you race to your mother's egg you get confused and wonder where you are, allowing some other sperm to win. Freak.

-the Rossman


This kind of stuff pisses me off! Who does this guy think he is?! And who gave him my address?!?! My guess is my ex, Heather. Always blabbin' her mouth! Dammit! I guess everybody knows now, so there's no more hiding it :(


MEN.....Stop Being Ashamed Of Your Penis Size!

Women Get This For Your Boyfriend/Husband



My Response to the nosey bastard:

You son of a bitch!!! Who told you?!?! Names, you crack whore!! I want NAMES!!......
*SOB*!!! Why, Lord, whyyyyyy??!!? Now the whole world knows!!!
Yes.... It's true.... I'm ashamed of my penis size. 13 inches long and 9 inches around is just too damn much!!! It's my shameful secret!!! But now it's out in the open (not literally). My cover's blown (though I guess that huge bulge in my crotch like a rolled up puppy was a dead giveaway). If this information hurts my presidential campaign for the 2016 election I'll track you down and forcefeed you all those Viagra pills I got through e-mail order until everybody looks like a horny Smurfette to you, asshole!!!

-the Rossman


The letter below is my initial reaction and the resultant replies to my purchase of a (company's name deleted due to impending legal action) car. I now hate (company's name deleted) with a passion more heated than a thousand hells blowing up at the same instant in the same cubic mile. Enjoy!

My first letter to the company:

Hey Cock-knockers,
You guys suck the mung out of dead hookers' diseased twats. What the fuck kind of product and customer service do you fucking provide?! Your mommas give better service and I don't even have to pay them! Where as you ass pirates like to take my goddamn wallet out of my pants while you anally intrude on my mental well being, turning me into an insane poor man with a vendetta. Not a smart move, you scrotum smokers. All I want from you is the $23K I paid for the rectum drenching lemon you sold me, and the $8 grand for all the parts and labor you raped me over including my time, by the hour, spent in your annoying waiting room with the TV that only picks up the Lifetime channel. Give me back my money or I call Johnny Cockran!

The (name deleted) Motor Company's response:

Dear Appreciated Customer,
We understand your frustration over some minor problems you may have encountered while driving our company's fine automobile. If you experience any more issues or have any more silly questions, please feel free to contact our customer service line at 1-555-382-5968. That's 1-KLJ-FUC-KYOU. We will immediately put you on hold and proceed to charge your credit card, that we have on file, for wasting our time and valuable gay sex sessions with your whiney and annoying "problems". Well, guess what, tires blow up every day in this country, Mr. "I Don't Wanna Die" faggy fag! I personally have even had my engine shoot out of the hood of my car on at least two occasions. Do you think that you are holier than thou? "Oh no! I want a refund because my mother died when my brakes gave out and the fan belt came loose and strangled her to death as we plunged over a cliff into the jagged rocks in the surf below!!" QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'!!!!! I lost six family members in the past two years alone because of (company's name deleted) car minor mishaps and small malfunctions. Just enjoy it while you are still alive... Baby.

the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares

My response to (name deleted) Motor Company's response:

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!! That's it!! You just pushed the wrong button, my retarded friend! I went and hired the entire O.J. defense team to take your creme filled asses down the shitter, like the aweful after-birth that you are! I've even hired O.J. himself to hunt what's left of your families down and hack their heads off! Then I gave him open reign to fuck the neck holes of each and every one of them! He loves to do it and I love his results! I hope that you appreciate that this soon to be living hell that will be brought upon you is 100% your fault. All I originally wanted from you was my money back, my girlfriend to be brought back to life after I mistakenly impaled her head as she was going down on me in my car when it rolled over 20 times due to your innability to bolt on tires correctly, and one night with Shannon Elizabeth where in I had the freedom to try all 500 positions in my Kama Sutra (Director's Cut) book I just got from Amazon.
I'll see you in hell, candy boy!

Their response to my response to theirs:

Dear goat fucker,
O.J. has just carved up the entire customer service department with a ginsu knife and I no longer have a throat. I will be dying shortly, but I wanted you to know that we here at the (deleted) Motor Company have no regrets about the premium customer service that you have received and the quality parts that we forgot to install on your vehicle.......
Just kidding ^_^!! Ha ha! O.J. missed me as I hid under my desk during the great culling. I survived and now live to torment you until the end of time!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! I just broke into our files too and fished out your Master Card. I have already bought $4,523 worth of crap on E-Bay and will order another large pizza this afternoon on it. So why don't you suck on my obese and cellulite-filled tits, cause I am immortal!!!!

the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares


This is a "Thank You" e-mail I got from a couple who's wedding I had recently attended. They're nice peoples.

The Happy Couple:

Dearest Rossman,
We consulted our lawyer and found that it is indeed within our rights to sue your ass for the destruction of (what was to be) our glorious Matrimony Ceremony despite the fact that we actually invited you (the first and probably biggest mistake of our married lives) . Why you felt the need to blow up half of the wedding party and set fire to our car with a molotov cocktail as we were driving away I will never know. You are the reason that I felt I had to carry that Phaser Stunn Gunn 2500 with me as I walked down the aisle! I am also in pure awe of the fact that you had the balls enough to invite two of your alcoholic friends and that old bald man with the painfully bad halitosis to our special day. I believe that they are actually responsible for more all-out destruction than you were! I would sue them too, but they have apparently crawled back into the holes in the ground that they had originally spawned out of. So, I will simply add a few more charges to the suit that my mentally scarred husband and I will be slapping you with. You are a very disturbed individual, Mr. 'the' Ross-man. I hope that you undergo massive counceling and that my lifelong friend Amy is successful in removing your testes someday so that you cannot breed.

Leah and Josh

My Response to the lovebirds:

Did you like the gravy boat that I got you? I had to sell a lot of pot to illegal alien children to pay for it all (actually I just had Robot Pedro do it). If you don't want it, just let me know so I can return it and buy myself the new Avantasia CD.
Many happy returns and Merry Christmas to all!!


This is my very first Celebrity E-Mail that I ever got! Sure, it's from somebody I will never brag about knowing, but I think that I can probably get a free pint somewhere in the world by saying that Bobby Flay wrote to me.

Bobby Flay:

Flay loves the cockAre you that fucking son fo a bitch Ross man that said that I was gay and couldn't cook because I lost that rigged "Iron Fag Chef" contest that was rigged and unfair in New York City? If you are then you are a fag and you are also a loser because I WON in Tokyo where those little Asian non cookers actually live!
Yes, and you are a fag. I won because I am better than every Iron Chef even though they tried to rig and cheat me. The only reason that I lost in New York was because it was unfair! It was unfair the second time in Tokyo too (where we dropped the bomb on those bastards! Raise da roof!) but I am not a fag so I won by being as cool as I am. You are a asshole for rooting for that Morimoto japanese man! I am an American so you should cheer for me! I am not a gay man either because I have a girlfriend who went to Japan (where we dropped the bomb on them) with me! She is not a fag either!
What I am trying to say is that you are unamerican and I can cook better than everybody! I won and I got a medal from that fat sumo man! Raise da roof! Raise da roof!

My Response to Mr. Flay:

Dude, you're gay. Accept it. I can set you up with this 'mo bodybuilder freak that goes to my gym if you want. I think he's into chains and shit if you're game.

As for the Iron Chef shows that you've been on, they prove your retardation to me and to the world. I just wanted to know if you were born with Down Syndrome or if it was the effect of some industrial accident. You know, like President Bush. I have money on the latter. I figure, it's just impossible for a human to be as mentally fucked up as you are naturally. Corky from that show where he played a tard wasn't even that screwed.

Oh yeah, you suck as a chef too (Crab tacos??? What the fuck were you thinking?).

-the Rossman


Fan mail just keeps pouring in here at the Rossman Chronicle! Just about a month ago I got my first letter and now here I am with a second!! I'm going to Baskin Robbins to treat myself to a cookie-dough ice cream shake now to celebrate!

PartyMan215Gen writes:

You are a total dipshit and your page is the internet's biggest miscarriage! Just eat shit and die, cock suck!

My Response to PartyMan:

Glad you liked my site :). My next page is an online photo album of your mother fucking a horse.

Wow! My first entry on this page! I recently got an e-mail from ShawnSuperStallion (abreviated as S3) who lives in Los Angeles, California! I was so happy that somebody wrote in and gave me permission to post their letter that I had to make this life-long-friendship in the making last! So I decided to correspond with the Stallion till he or I could take it no more. This is our story.

S3 (the SuperStallion):

hey rossman! your page is pretty cool. you are the god of anime. i love your evangelion page and your anibabes. i wish that i knew an anime babe!! @_@ just kidding, i'm not weird or anything, i just think that there hotter than real women. nice page and e-mail me back so that we can talk anime!!

My Response to S3:

Where do you live.


why do you want to know where i live?


As a "god of anime" I command you to inform me of your location!! Also, is your mom hot?


i don't think i should be talking to you anymore. i am only like 15 and i dont think that you are allowed to come over.


You're only 15? So then your mom could be as young as say 28!! Sweet! What are her measurements? Feel free to send me stuff from her dresser drawers. I'll give you a P.O. Box so that the police can't trace it to me.


please stop writing me. i am putting a block on your e-mail address. my mom won't let me or my sister use the email anymore to write to people we don't know. THANKS A LOT!!


I'm using a new Yahoo account so that your mom can't stop me, that whore. Soooooooo, tell me about this sister of yours.... Is she an older sister? Does she like aerobics? How about walking on a stairmaster at a medium pace? Up down up down up down!!!!! Oh yeah!!! I can just picture it! She looks just like your 25 year old mom too, doesn't she!!!!!! If I send you a lovely picture of me can you make sure she gets it?


This is Shawn's mother. Please stop E-mailing and antagonizing my son! You sick sick man!!!

P.S. Attached is a picture of me and below you'll find my daytime telephone number.
Momma mia!!
(Pixelated so that S3's Mom can still show her face at the office without too much shame)

Actually, it wasn't me writing to S3. I lied. I paid the Megaplayboy $2 to start up a pen pal friend for me with one of my so-called fans. His internet etiquette needs to be sharpened up a bit before I allow him to pretend to be me again. That or he needs to get me a 6 pack of Sam Adams first....or give me S3's Mom's phone number. That bastard's still keeping it to himself!!

Laziness has taken hold. Hard to focus. Plus I'm illiterate and can't really read or write. That's what's taking me so long to do much with this page. Kuni tried to help me learn to read, but it turns out he was by-mistakenly learning me German through a Nazi Party Handbook. I swear to God I didn't know!

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This site (design and text) is a copyrighted Rossman Production. Do not copy any of it or I will come over there and rip off your sack and feed it to your dog. All celebrities named on this page are impersonated for their and your protection. They're rich and famous and all that caca, so I'm allowed to "satirize" them and pretend that they said this shit. Ain't America great!!