Blue Exorcist

The Exorcizable ROSSMAN

Take one orphaned boy, raised as an outcast, with more powers than he can possibly dream of hidden inside himself, and when he's a teenager begin his training with other kids his own age who at first fear and mock him, but soon learn to see beyond his rough exterior to the kind person he is underneath his arrogance and destructive potential. (He should preferably meet these kids at a specialty school that trains people with similar, but lesser abilities.) Let the kids bond a bit, and then kill off or incapacitate all the strong adults and let the trained, but untested kid (and his friends) face and defeat the be-all end-all evil that's trying to ruin/rule the world. Think I'm talking about Naruto? Well, yes, I am, but also Bleach, Dragon Ball Z, One Piece, Toriko, Soul Eater, Yu Yu Hakusho, Claymore, Rurouni Kenshin, Harry Potter, and of course Blue Exorcist.

Not that recycling this same general plot is a bad thing (as long as the writers behind it can throw in their own special magic and still make things interesting), it's just that.... Well, really, Japan (and J.K. Rowling)? Can you not think of anything fucking NEW to write or draw?

But whatever, the anime Blue Exorcist was one of the big hits in Japan this past year, and like all the other shounen fighting shows I just listed above, I decided to give it a chance before mocking it for being totally unnecessary and pathetically stale. Hell, I'll be honest — I enjoyed all of those series for at least a little while, until it became obvious that the original authors decided to just keep dragging them on for all eternity with no end in sight until their sales started to dip a bit, then came the final, ultimate, big, bad villain for the Rudy-like hero to slay, when everybody else failed. But for what it's worth, Blue Exorcist surprised me TWICE within its narrative. Now with spoilers I will explain how.

SPOILERS

Blue Exorcist starts out with the events of the "Blue Night" — a phenomenon wherein all the higher-up priests and exorcists in the world died horrifically in sapphire flames caused by Satan's own eternal Hellfire. Twin infant brothers Rin and Yukio Okumura are left parentless because of this terror-filled and charcoaled night, but they're raised in a Japanese Catholic church by the most bad-ass priest ever (a warrior priest named Shiro).

"What?!?!" you question like a deviant who doesn't understand why the cops are handcuffing him for masturbating outside of the window of the bathroom that a hot 16 year-old cheerleader is showering in. "There's a bad-ass warrior Catholic priest in Japan?!" Yes. In fact there's an entire gigantic school created just to teach potential warrior exorcist priests in the Land of the Rising Sun in this narrative. It's called "fiction." Get over it.

Anyway, it turns out that Rin and Yukio are actually and quite literally the sons of Satan, and Father Shiro just wants them to grow up as normal boys without ever turning into the Anti-Christ, so he hides them from the trigger-happy Church, and uses his Celestial powers to shield them from the dominion of the Devil. (Oh my God! I so hope a shit-ton of fundy retards watch this thing and die from seizure-induced vomiting at the thought of a priest guarding the sons of the Fallen Angel from the whole of Christianity!) 15 years then pass and Shiro of course dies in like the second episode when Rin (the older twin, and the more hot-headed and violent boy) finds the Hellfire inside of himself and goes all awesomely Terminator on some demons sent to flush him out of hiding. But luckily Shiro had trusted contacts everywhere, and the Chairman of the True Cross Academy (Japan Branch), one Mephisto Pheles (who's also an openly demonic son of the Debil....... Who's in an extremely high-up position in the Church... Holy shit I want this series shown to children in Sunday schools across the country while their parents are in the next room eating fatty doughnuts and discussing why Obama is not only a bad president, but a bad man... and not because he's black... Nope, they're not racist!), takes Rin and Yukio in under his protection in order to raise them well as warrior priests because, well, if the world is out to get them they might as well learn how to defend themselves by killing things that might be trying to suck them back into Hell or just slaughter them.

This is when the first surprise of the series hit me square on the chin like a monkey flinging poo at me made of Skittles — Blue Exorcist is actually FUN. Yes, it's main storyline has been done to death already, but all the characters (mostly Rin, Yukio, and their fellow students at the True Cross Academy) are actually enjoyable and entertaining to watch at work and play. I couldn't believe it myself! I appreciated the start of this tale much more than I did the beginnings of Naruto and Bleach all those years ago. I truly did not expect to. I originally assumed this whole devil-worshipping social experiment would prove nothing but painful and stupefying. The premise was soooooo fucking laughable. Wacky.

Okay, so Rin and Yukio are at the True Cross (and truth be told, the competent Yukio is actually a 15 year-old exorcist genius/teacher at the school), and as they're learning more about the church and the demons they fight, we find out that Satan is still looking for his wayward children as they seem to be the key to his most masterful plan of all time! Bwa ha ha!... Oh, and lots of priests don't trust the kids, and are constantly trying to kill them (well, mostly the more demonic Rin) because, well, they're the fucking sons of Satan.

Things continue this way (meaning fun and pretty cool) up until like the final 4 episodes... That's when I'm guessing they veered greatly away from the source material of the original manga in order to shit out their own ending without continuing on for 80+ years like any other shounen fighting show ever made. And while I commend that effort for the initial thought of saving us from watching an eternal build-up without any fucking pay-off (like any shounen manga that just keeps going and going), turning one's back from the original author's intent is NEVER a good thing (see Rurouni Kenshin, Claymore, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Gantz). And that is especially true here.

This is the point in the story where my second great surprise took place: I was totally bamboozled as to how the writers could have kicked themselves in their own balls without a Self Ball-Kicking Machine (an SBKM, which thankfully hasn't been invented yet). Blue Exorcist takes such a nosedive in quality at this point that I can only guess that the writers hate themselves, and/or lost a bet. These last few episodes just fall to absolute pieces [of shit]. Characters that we've never met before are introduced as the main antagonists, and we're told that they're really the most powerful people in the world, and everything is going according to their plans! Ha HA! Characters that were originally being built up to be the big bad are completely ignored (that Angel knight guy) too! And that retard with the gay little puppet...... what the hell was up with him? I don't even remember if they ever explained what his deal was, and you know what, I don't give a shit. This show took a giant, juicy deuce all over its viewers, and it made me not give a damn about it anymore. Ugh.

Okay, so the ending changes tracks in its last moments and turns lame, but just HOW lame, you wonder? Well, the new Pope turns out to be Rin and Yukio's grandfather (having children is kind of a hinderance to climbing the Catholic corporate ladder in our world, but whatever, this is anime, and his daughter is Megumi Hayashibara, so all's right in my book), and he has a plan to destroy Hell forever!..... by opening a gate to it using Rin's demonic blood and dropping in a couple of nuclear bombs. It just comes from so far out of left field, and it's played way too seriously compared to the tone of the rest of the series. It's just laughable really. They're going to nuke Hell? It's made especially lame when Satan simply shrugs off the attack, thanks the Pope for opening the portal to our world for him, and then starts turning the Earth into a place where humans and demons can live together... Ooooooh yeah. That's Satan's plan. Harmony between realms. Warms your cockles, doesn't it... Well, Satan does go about doing this by burning down cities and such, but still, that's his end goal.

Well, Rin and the newly demonized Yukio then power up and take daddy down (was there any doubt?), and then shit just apparently continues as normal as the world forgives and forgets that the Catholic Church almost ended LIFE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET AS WE KNOW IT. It was just like the writers said "Aaaaaaaah, fuck it. Just end it. I need a beer." I think my neighbor's heavily retarded 4 year-old who only knows how to pet kitties with his huge mongoloid hands could have typed up a better ending than this garbage.

END SPOILERS

I honestly don't know how they did it. They had a good start, good characters, an interesting premise, and then just dropped trou and pissed and pooed all over the scripts for the final few episodes. What happened to "pride in your work," Japan? Did you get up to the last chapter and decide to give Retard Tsukitami another crack at the finale? Fuck you, Japan. Fuck you and your wasted potential.

So in the end, what did I think of the anime series known as Blue Exorcist? Strong start, fun characters, weird but engaging plot, but one of the dumbest, shittiest, out-of-nowhere endings I've ever seen. You just can't look at it the same way again after watching that piece of shit finale — just like when you try to look your hot co-worker in the eyes but have to divert yours after finding her boyfriend's website, and all the pictures of them participating in a German scheisse movie shoot. I give it 4 Shits of Disappointment, and may God have mercy on its soul.

The Satin SATAN

Well THIS was a disappointment. What. The. Hell, Japan? Okay, I get that you want to pit warrior priests against the biggest bad in the universes (moi), but really? That's supposed to be my motivation? "Satan wants to merge Hell and Earth into a playground for demons and humans to be happy forever in?!" Japan..... Blow me.

Yeah, I've immaculately impregnated quite a few females topside over the years (George W Bush, Michelle Obama, and the Olsen Twins being the by-products of a few of these trysts), but never a whiny, stupid, Japanese girl who loves demons because they're all cute 'n such and who sounds like Lina Inverse. Now you're just pissing me off, you slant-eyed islanders! DO NOT PISS ME OFF, HEATHENS! I SHALL RAPE YOUR SOULS AND FEAST ON YOUR CHILDREN'S FLESH WHILE YOUR BONES MELT IN MY INFERNO OF DISDAIN!

I just wanted to clear things up for you, in case you had any questions.

This was the gayest show since gay came to Gaytown. I shit lava on its grave, and damn anyone who likes this heretical garbage. And why can't anybody in Japan pronounce my name correctly? It's "Say-Tan," not "Sah-Tin." ......Fuck y'all.

KUNI

After reading Satan's review above I must say that I agree and I totally detest this rubbish and think that it's a shame that we never get to see a television series or a movie that portrays the dark Lord in the proper manner, showing how just, sexy, and not stupid she truly is. Hail, Satan!

(Note from the Rossman: Kuni's just hedging his bets I'm guessing, since he never intends to stop fantasizing about and lusting over his sister Kim-Chi, and that third grade boy who walks past his house on his way to school every morning [whom Kuni has a hidden camera set up to take really disturbing pictures of]. Doesn't hurt to kiss the ass of the person who will be your all-powerful superior in a relatively short amount of time, I guess.)

This television show was absolutely atrocious in its portrayal of the sexy, sexy Beast. I give it Two Middle Fingers Up.