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Viva la Mars!

The Submerged ROSSMAN

Mediocrity. The bane of every anime watcher. Averageness without any attempt to reach higher, benchpress more, or run a faster 100 meter dash. Shows that give the viewer what it thinks it wants, without any urge to make itself unique or memorable more than 2 seconds after the credits roll, well, they kind of piss me off. If you couldn't tell, The Mars Daybreak is just such a show. It is so mediocre that I can sum it up by simply stating which two shows it ripped off the most, and there you'd have the perfect synopses for it. Kenran Butoh Sai is basically an even mix of Fushigi no Umi no Nadia and Mobile Suit Gundam. It's about a boy who's great at acrobatics, who was given a mysterious necklace when he was a baby that leads to the greatest power on the planet, who teams up with a rag-tag band of submariners who seem to like the idea of tracking said uber-power/treasure down. The boy also has his own giant robot that he seems to be a natural at handling, and by joining the pirates gets involved in a much larger war than he ever thought he'd be a part of. Honestly, even if you're new to anime, you've seen this all before (or if you haven't, you'll see it all again, probably really soon).

Daybreak does have a few nifty ideas to it, but none are really played with enough, and some of the biggest questions are left unanswered after all is said and done (like why the fuck did that mech even come to Gram, our hero, in the first place? It's possible I slept through the explanation, but seriously, they should have made that a bit clearer). Honestly, most of the little questions are left unanswered too. Like why can that cat talk on its own, and why does Poipoider, the dolphin, need that suit to talk? Dolphins are smarter than cats, dammit! Why did Mars flood way back when? What the hell was up with that navigator, Esther? Was she from another planet? Was she just batty? How did that one little girl get to be all "Dead Zone" with those future-telling powers? Brain tumor? If everything rusts pretty quickly in this environment, but that special rust-proof chemical is hard to come by, why isn't Mars just one big rust-stained ball of muck? What the living shit was up with that "ghost ship" storyline in that one stand alone episode? Seriously, that was the gayest gay time since gay came to Gay Town. And if Gram really did love Vess so much, why didn't he take those orphans and go with her to Earth? And if she loves him, why does she try to kill him so much (yeah, she maybe wasn't serious about it, but still, that's some hardcore play acting). And, and.... Well, I could go on for a long time here, but you get my point.

I did like a lot of things about this show, don't get me wrong. I don't want you to think that I out and out hated the fucker. I liked most of the characters (the exception being that really gay and annoying solo-pirate who kept screwing with Gram, and his crew of "heart of gold" pirates on the Aurora. God, he suuuuuuuuuuuuucked). I especially liked Gram's positive view on life and how he took total responsibility for all of his actions, even when they were accidental. He was cool. I even liked Vess, the double conehead blonde. She was cute, and determined. Mr. Poipoider, the dolphin in the mech suit, was probably my favorite character though. He was just so goddamned ridiculous to even look at, I laughed whenever he even appeared on screen. Oh, and I really got a kick out of the Earth President's daughter... Whatever her name was (I don't know why, but I had a hard time remembering monikers that most of the characters went by). Most viewers will probably detest her spunk, but for some reason, as soon as she started helping her original kidnappers get away from the Ship of the Aurora crew in that sunken university, I really wanted her to stick around. Which is odd, because I'm usually the first person to throw a table at the TV when an "energetic and full-of-vitality high school girl who loves our hero at first sight" shows up out of the blue like she did. I must be losing it.

Anyway, from what I'm to understand, The Mars Daybreak is based on a video game for the PS2. I truly cannot see how this was done. The main plot of the anime is actually pretty short. There were a lot of stand alone episodes that fleshed out some of the minor characters on the Ship of the Aurora, and they would make no sense in a video game format. But, without those stories, the plot of the game must have been uber-short. I'm talking 3-4 hours worth of game storyline. Compare that to Final Fantasy X's 32 hours of story and gameplay. Or XenoGears' 50 hours of pure story (no gameplay). I just don't get it. What I also don't get is how in fuck's sweet name Kenran Butoh Sai (what does that mean anyway? "The Gorgeous Tango?") fits in with GunParade March (both of which are supposedly in the same universe, created by the same writer). First of all, and I really liked GunParade, its background, war story, love story, and doomed Earth plot... but how the panda dick does that fit together with The Daybreak? Even the feel of the universe is wrong. What the shit?! Is the Mars thing a far-future event of the GunParade world? Where the fuck did those aliens from the GunParade world go by the time we get to Mars? Why do I even give a turd? Urgh! This kind of thing is like how I used to wonder about the science and history of the Smurfs and their whole world. Like, Gargamel has been trying his "whole [damn] life" to catch some Smurfs in order to turn them into gold, but the Smurfs were really only created a few years before the show began by that wacky wizard guy with the long, white beard and pointy, purple hat (at least I think he had a pointy, purple hat). And in later seasons, how the fuck do they explain Grandpappy Smurf? And then the Smurflings? Seriously, Smurfette never gave any sweet, Smurf tail up, so where did those young 'uns come from? It's shown (in the first Smurf movie, which came before the show) that that wizard guy creates Smurfs who are all older and shit. He never created kids. And Smurfs don't seem to age (I'm sure that if all Smurfs grew beards they'd be white like Papa's too), so being stuck in a Smurfling body must be a curse, like in Interview with the Vampire.... GYAAAH! See, that's the kind of shit I start thinking about when posed with stupid questions in stupid shows that don't even try to answer any of the stupid questions that they themselves ask... Goddammit!

Okay, I'm done with all my ranting and shit. Once again, I want to point out that I don't think The Mars Daybreak truly sucks. It's just average. It could have been grand, but it settled for bland. Oh, but it does have one of the greatest quotes of all time in it: "Yes, the balls are always watching. Don't forget that."

What did I think of The Mars Daybreak? I give it a "C". Back when I got "A"s and my friends got "C"s in grade school, I would always just tell them that that didn't mean that they were stupid, it just meant they were "average." I lied back then (they were all tards), but here I really mean it. This show is cookie-cutter average, with some likeable characters. Do what you must.

Marzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The "Men Are From Mars"
MALCOLM Z

What choad shat this piece of muthafuckin' crap out? Sonovabitch! I swear to fuckin' God that I've seen this shit twenty thousand goddamn times already. Some punk with nowhere else to go and skillz that noone appreciates gets himself a robot; Check. He joins a renegade crew aboard a ship that all sides of a war have a monster beef with; Check. The crew is from all walks of life and every fuckin' race imaginable, and they's all got hearts of gold, despite some of the fuckers bein' a bit rough around they's edges; Check. The all-powerful military that's after they's asses really only wants the magic necklace that the hero has, which does strange shit when powered up; Check. Women flock to the hero for no apparent goddamn reason; Check. Weird hairdos; Check. Weird talkin' animals; Check. A lot of robot battles that look cool but never solve anything; Check. A big finale that leaves plenty open for a lame sequel; Check. Check, check, check, check, muthafucka Check!

How much does it truly fucking hurt to write something jus' a little bit new and unrecycled? Fuck, I was having deja vu and fuckin' flashbacks to shit like Nadesico and Diseased Whore Island in the Sky while watchin' this crazy shit. Why the fuck can't those Japanese tell no original goddamn story?! Okay, word, we can't do much fuckin' better here in the U.S. with our TV shows and shitty movies, but at least everybody understands from the get go that all our movies and shit suck. The Japanese actually believe that they's still creative. "Ah, see, no, we make another giant robot show, but now it underwater. See. Brand new!" No it ain't, muthafucka! Suck my big ol' black dick and then make one of your anime about that! THAT would be a super extreme brand new product, bitch.

What a piece of shit. I'm just surprised there was no magical, transforming, tentacle girl in this thing.


The Shipwrecked ANGRY AMY

Greeeeeeeeeeeat... Another retarded Japanese anime show where the lead finds a robot (was that ever even explained?), pilots it like a genius despite never even being in one before, and then saves the Earth, or in this case, a flooded Mars.

Heh, the setting of this show kind of reminded me of when I chained the Rossman to that giant, naked, woman statue that he carved out of a courthouse pillar from downtown, and then dropped him into the river. After he had been down for about 20 minutes I jumped in myself to make sure he was dead and all (I learned a looooong time ago to always check up on my handy work, as the Rossman has a habit of pulling a Houdini when you least expect it), and what I found was actually quite disturbing. Everything was all blue and wavy under the water, but clear. And there right in front of me was the giant naked woman statue with the Rossman still tied tightly to with the chains, only he had somehow taken off all his clothes and turned himself around to face the statue, and his lifeless body still seemed to cling to and grope her giant tits and ass with affection. Quite honestly I was amazed, and yet disgusted at the same time. I mean, how did he do it? The chains were still digging into his skin they were so tight! And how the fuck did he come back to life after that? Was he really dead when I saw him under water? Was that a clone? Is this Rossman a clone? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! How do I kill him for good?!?!?

I don't care. Do I really have to rate this shit? 'Cause I'm not going to.