Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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No "ba humbugs" here
Ho ho ho!  Ho ho whore!
The Ho-Ho-Horrific ROSSMAN

I am a "Holiday Man", no ifs ands or buts about it. Every year I live for the days set between October 31st and the last day of December. This two month stretch of time is set aside for eating candy, dressing up in retarded costumes, gorging oneself on turkey and stuffing, getting lots of presents, and finally drinking oneself into an alcoholic coma while people of the opposite sex kiss you when a giant glowing ball descends from a tall building. God, I miss the Holiday Season already.

Anyway, this year's 60+ Days 'o Fun was pretty good. Not the best, but still pretty good. It all started back in October with a couple of costume parties. Ahhhh, the freedom of expression while legally and mentally becoming a retarded and hulking green beast... There's nothing finer. Now, this was far from being the greatest Halloween party ever (that honor still belongs to CHUDfest 2000), but it was fun to be able to hang with a few buddies and scare Robot Pedro away with the simple threat of "Hulk Smashing" his robo-nads into microchips. Unfortunately the pics of me going Trick 'R Treating at 11:30 at night were somehow lost and will have to remain fuzzy memories forever. That was kind of a downer. Though I was able to scare a bunch of little tykes so much that they dropped all their sacks of treats earlier on in the night... but their candy bags were mostly filled with shit like Tootsie Pops and Smarties (aka the "ass end" of the sweet treat spectrum).

Soon though, my anticipation was back on track as I set my sights on the gluttonous Holiday of Thanksgiving. I was eager for it to arrive, but from the beginning I just knew that it wasn't going to be a grrrrrrrrrreat turkey day. A good portion of my family was out of town, and the rest of us weren't going to Jersey for a giant Dubel family smorgasbord of drumstick-chomping, pie-scarfing, mushroom-slurping filled good times... Just a couple of close relations on the Ross-side going to the 'rents' house for some free food. Sure, Bob From the Future showed up at one point claiming that "something had to be done about my kids" 30 years in the future... But that was just a ruse he used to try and finagle his way into my mom's warm oven (for the stuffing and greenbean casserole, you sick fucks). All in all it was just another boring day with bits and pieces of familial melodrama thrown in to keep us on our toes.

But then came the KING of the Holidays... No, not Christmas. I refer to the release of Return of the King to theaters on the 17th of December. Honestly, for a while there I completely forgot about the birth of the king of the Jews and even the looming activities of Festivus and the tradition of stealing the Festivus Pole from last year's winner (my 2 year old nephew). To me, the whole season was about Aragorn's claim to the throne of Gondor. Needless to say, the King did not disappoint... But then I found myself in a little depression that usually follows big expectancies. The only thing that dug me out of my down mood was the fact that I was about to get some major giftage from family and friends for the mutant holiday of X-Mas. I got some pretty gruber things this year too: a de-atomizer, some brass knuckles, all of RahXephon on DVD, a bath mat (wheeee!), a subscription to Playboy, a big screen plasma HDTV (a gift from me for me), and the bestest present of all, a 'dead rabbit' on that EPT test! Whoo hoo!

Anyway, once again most of the fam was in different places/countries/worlds on Christmas, so it was kind of quiet all around. Jaime and Kiff wanted my folks and I to pick their asses up at the fucking airport at around 4 that day, but I had the foresite to plan ahead and buy three tickets to a matinee showing of RotK for us, and since it's like a 12 hour flick, we were unable to comply with the young 'uns in their attempt to fuck up the quiet Holiday (Yeah, I may be a bastard, but both Jaime and Kiff have cars of their own that they could have driven to the aeropuerto. And just ask yourself this: would YOU like to spend three hours of driving time [an hour and a half each way] not to mention waiting time, when the flight is inevitably late, just to pick some peeps up who could have just as easily taken their own autos to the train station or the airport paylot on a Holiday that's meant to be spent in sloth and greed? If you replied with anything but a "Fuck no!", then you're lying to your own retarded self). All in all it was a nice and enjoyable day that ended with my 5th viewing of one of the greatest movies ever made. God fucking bless us, everyone!

And finally, I got a week to relax and watch all of my old dvd collection properly on a giant 16X9 screen with full surround before I invited myself to the "Remains of Greenwood New Year's Party". There was PS2 Karaoke, Mario Kart, porn, and pizza galore, but all rolled up into a little and a bit more personal package. This year's New Year's Party was nothing compared to last year's I Can't Believe I'm Not Dead Party, but in all honesty I was kinda of glad about that. It took me till August to recoup from that shindig, and to this day everything still tastes like vodka. This year's party was courtesy of Mehve and his sweet bachelor pad. We even had some bubbly for the "Peach Drop" (fuck off, this is Atlanta, not Nueva York), and I broke my two year dry spell by getting kissed (by a girl this time) at midnight. Always a pleasant way to welcome in the New Year.

So, while this year didn't tread any new ground in regards to its Holiday Season, it most definitely didn't make me want to slit my wrists like plenty of other losers out there who bitch and moan about being "alllllll alone" during the merriest time of the year. Bunch of pansies they are. If you ever see one of those lamers in future Holiday Seasons, do them a favor and shove a candycane up their ass while forcing them to check out Hegre's treetrimming pictorials and chug some eggnog. I give my Halloween/ Thanksgiving/ Christmas/ Kwanzaa/ New Year a hearty thumbs up!

Joyous to the end
The Holi-Sis Jaime

Am I supposed to rate my holiday season, or my brother's? I don't even know what he did. Last I heard he was on his way to Mexico a few days after Christmas with a Winnebago filled with Moonpies and ugly sluts in lingerie.

I, on the other hand, had a fun time with my sweetie muffin as we combined our powers and monies to visit some loved ones all over the world. Because Christmas is all about love, and giving, and Baby Jesus... So WHY, I ask you, would my brother refuse to take time out of his own ****ing holiday and drive a few hours down to the airport to pick us up when our plane came in that night?!?! What a selfish bastard...

Christmas gets a thumb up from me, but my brother's egotistical attitude turned me all Scrooge and stuff for a while there. He did make it up to me by getting me a couple of nice gifty outfits, but that only made me feel bad for only giving him a bathmat. Sh*t!

The Slammer Jammin'

.....What?.... Where the fucktards am I?.... When was Christmas? Shit, was that New Year's last night? Why's there a lampshade up my ass, yo?.... Urrrrgh. Bad times, G. Bad times....

I don't know how good or bad the Rossman's fuckin' homeboy Christmas Season was, but mine ain't ending up too well. I give it a thumbs down... Mostly cause I can't afford the $75,000 bail that I have on my head. Maybe if I can get the Rossman to start up a Paypal donation account or sumtin'...