So you're finally ready to start the commitment of a lifetime. You're ready to begin saving for college and you're ready to start buying hundreds of dollars worth of diapers each week for someone other than grandma. You're finally ready to end your hedonistic lifestyle and stop pissing off the Catholic Church for wearing a condom whenever you do the nasty... You're now ready to make a baby.

Things to do...

Step 1) First things first. If you're a guy, you must find a girl. Girls, you must find a guy, or a sperm bank. If you choose the smart route and go to the bank, they'll help you the rest of the way and you can stop reading.

Now, when choosing a mate (i.e. the opposite sex person that you want to make a baby with), go for looks. This is why it is very important not to get drunk before mate searching. Beer goggles drastically reduce a person's ability to find an attractive opposite sexer. If you want a cute baby, you most certainly do not want somebody with a unibrow, an ass large enough for Jesus to ride into Jerusalem on, or a back that needs to be mowed. Look for skinny people with matching eyes and teeth. The teeth don't need to be straight, they just need to be there.

And remember, you do not want an attractive person as your mate who is only attractive due to plastic surgery. Plastic surgery does not carry over into the genes of a baby. So, guys, when approaching a potential mate, always ask about her breasts and if they are natural, and if necessary, try to cop a feel to make 100% certain. Ladies, always feel a guy's crotch for stitches or scars from penis-enlargement surgery before letting him buy you a drink. If you want your babies to have big penises you better find a man with a naturally large one himself.

Step 2) Okay, so you've found your mate. Now's when things get sticky... Both figuratively and literally. First you must take your mate back to your quiet place and try to convince them that they want to make a baby too. Ladies, this is really no problem for you if you don't mind raising the forthcoming baby all by yourself. Just poke a hole in the condom that you want your mate to wear... I may be getting ahead of myself here though.

Guys, if talk about a baby is driving your mate away, go get some alcohol. Now that you've already gotten your attractive mate you can afford to get a little plastered in order to ensure that she is blitzed too. After 6 to 25 drinks, she should be ready to make a baby with you. Careful though, cause if your lady friend was really just stupid and really did only want to go back to your place to "check out your Precious Moments collection", then you may have to abort. Not abort the baby, silly. Abort the mission. There is no baby yet. If she starts to scream "Pervert" or anything worse you must be ready to zip up and apologize very fast. Practice in the bathroom before approaching your mate.

After getting your mate to sign a few pieces of paper that you got your lawyer to write up for you before hand, proceed to the next step.

Step 3) Whisper sweet nothings into your mate's ear. Try to be kinky, but not so disgusting that a slap or a kick to the crotch is forthcoming. Remember, guys, the crotch is where the baby batter is stored. Take extra special care to protect that general area. Maybe wear a cup right up until step 5. Ladies, you won't have to worry about this because no man in his right mind would attack a lady who says she wants to "ride him like Seabiscuit all the way to the fucking races"... Unless you're fat. Then prepare for a horrible rejection.

After whispering the nothings, start to nibble on your mate's earlobe. Then lick your mate's neck and proceed to sticking your tongue down his/her throat. If your advances are not met with your tongue being bitten off, huzzah! You've made it to step 4!

Step 4) Start removing your mate's clothing. Once again, be very careful in case signs were misread. Guys, if your mate starts to scream, run. Girls, if your mate starts to scream, he's gay and you now have permission to kick him in the balls for leading you on.

Start by taking off your mate's shirt. Do it slowly and sexily. Use your teeth if you can. Be careful not to bite off and swallow any buttons though. You cannot make a baby if you die before step 6.

After the shirt, remove your mate's pants, then undergarments. During this step, if you come across any disturbing body part or parts that you would not wish to pass on to your baby, you still have time to stop. Guys, your flag should only be at half mast now, so you still have time to run to the bathroom and remove from yourself any pent up anticipation/aggression. When you return to your disfigured ex-potential-mate, tell her that you remembered that you are A) Gay, B) A gay priest, C) A gay married man, or D) Her long lost brother who is gay. Ladies, you may have a tougher time. If you have already stripped your mate before you found his tail or 11th toe, you may have to bite the bullet and "pretend to have a baby" with him. There may not be a way to unplug his battery at this point. If this is the case, I advise you to heavily caulk the inside of your vagina and triple baggie your mate's penis in condoms.

Step 5) Okay. All clothing should be on the floor. If you're really conscientious about your feet or ingrown toenails, you may leave your socks on. Your feet are not that important to making a baby.

Once you are both naked, approach your mate. Start groping and licking your mate all over his/her body. You should start to feel sensations in your own body by this point. If not, guys, look between your legs. If you are missing either a penis or a pair of testicles you have either been neutered or you are a woman. Unfortunately you will not be able to proceed to any further steps in making a baby in the traditional way. Go to the sperm bank or to that shady guy on the corner of 5th and Main and offer him a buck fifty to plant his seed in you. If you really are a guy, but after some heavy petting with your female mate you still do not feel any tingling sensations in your nether regions... Well, then you are gay. If you still really want to make a baby, just start thinking heavy thoughts about Leo DiCaprio or RuPaul. Then proceed to step 6.

Step 6) Now it is time for the mattress mambo. The nasty dance. The slip and slide ride. The slurpin' and burpin'... You get the drift. Fellas, your penis should be pretty hard by now. Now's the time to stick the baguette in the bread drawer.

Carry your mate to the bed/sofa/kitchen sink, and prop her up in such a way that her womanly flower (aka the poon) is spread open and ready to accept your gift of baby-dough. Plunge your manly purple-headed warrior deep into your mate's welcoming life-door! Repeat 5 to 2,786 times... However long it may take for you to drop off your occupying force deep into enemy territory. Then you may leave the command carrier docked at the port while you take a nice rewarding nap, or you may pretend that your phone rang and that your boss "needs those files right away," and run.

Ladies, step 6 for you is to spread your legs to your ears and shut the fuck up. Give a low moan every 3rd to 4th pelvic thrust, and enjoy the ride.

Step 7) After the seed has met and seduced the female egg cell, you are now officially a mommy or a daddy! Yay! If your mate was not in on the whole babymaking thing, he or she may be a bit surprised in a few days when the news is broken to them. But screw them, you got what you wanted! Congratulations! You made yourself a baby!

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to make a baby should some problems arise. Good luck, and goooooood parenting! And don't take any sass from your spawn when it learns to talk!!!

• Problem: Nobody wants to make a baby with you.
  • Solution: Ladies, if you are having trouble finding a mate, well, you must be one fucking ugly broad. I seriously don't know any guy who'd pass on a little bedroom *bamf* unless he thought Quasimodo was the one hitting on him. Ladies, if this is your problem, get the roofies ready. A guy can get aroused even when fully tanked and drugged.
    Guys, if you're the one with the mate-finding problems, shave your legs, put on a dress, and hit a lesbian bar. Hook up with the least skanky ho there and then when you get her back to your place inform her that your penis is really just a lifelike strap-on. Trust me, in nine months she'll be happy that you converted her!
    
    
• Problem: The baby is eating you from the inside.
  • Solution: Ladies, this one mainly pertains to you. If your baby is eating you from the uterus outwards, then you must have had sex with either a vampire, a werewolf, or a flesh-hungry zombie. That's your fault for being so loose and not taking precautions against monsters. This is the Lord's way of punishing you for multiplying the armies of the undead evil in the world. For shame!!
    
    
• Problem: You try and try and try, but no baby.
  • Solution: Guys, check to make sure that your penis is in the woman's vagina. There are many places down there that you might mistake your target for (even more if you had to settle for a fat girl). Readjust your aim, then try again. If you still can't make a baby, check your female mate for an adam's apple. If you find one, ask how extensive his/her operation truly was before you give up all hope.
    Ladies, if you cannot make a baby no matter how many times your mate seeds your fields, you are barren and will never know the love of a child. Sorry.
    
    
• Problem: Your crotch itches after making the baby.
  • Solution: Sorry guys and gals, but that's a "How to get rid of STDs" for another day.