1) First things first. When planning a Christmas party (or Channukia, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus... whatever), first you must INVITE PEOPLE. This may sound complicated and boring... and it kinda is. But the fun part is in playing God, which is somewhat festive right there. See, it's all up to you as to who gets to come to your shitty little party. You choose the happy fates of the lucky few, and doom the schlongs in your life to face yet another lonely, holiday-season Saturday night alone to contemplate suicide and/or overeating.

Also, in order to ensure that your party stays lively and doesn't get boring for the ungrateful assholes who accept your sad invitation, try to make sure that only attractive, hot, and narcissistic people are invited. They'll always have something to do if you leave a few dozen mirrors around. Unfortunately with my friends (and probably yours too), most would break any mirror they looked at, and so other means of group amusement might be necessary (See Part 3).

And don't forget to tell them that "It's not necessary to bring a gift. Oh please! I'm just throwing this party out of the spirit of the season! I don't expect any kind of George Forman Grill or anything in return even though I always wanted one." And if you didn't always want one, still say that, 'cause they're expensive and you can always return it for cash.

2) The second thing that you have to do if you plan to host a holiday partay is to BUY FOOD AND BOOZE. Yeah, this part really sucks. You actually have to spend a bit of your own cash to do it. But fear not, oh cheap bastard, for nobody ever said that you had to buy expensive or unspoiled foodstuffs. And you can buy PBR and Skeeter's High Qual-Tee Scotch by the gallon! Just hide the labels.

And you never have to buy that much food and stuff either. Just leave a bunch of cheap crackers and moldy cheese out when people start arriving (if they complain, tell them that Jesus ate moldy cheese and he liked it). People are stupid and gluttonous. Even if you have a bunch of nice, juicy steaks cooking (which of course you won't), your greedy guests will still fill up on the crap that's already available when the first thought of "Eat NOW!" enters their tiny little brains.

3) Unfortunately, the third thing that you must do, if you plan to do a holiday party, is ENTERTAIN YOUR GUESTS. Honestly, it's at this stage that you must be starting to wonder if it's worth all the free grills you will be getting. Jeesus H. Christ! You invite these bums in, out from the cold winter's night, and plan to sort-of feed them and all that shiznit, and now you have to entertain the fuckers?! Just calm the hell down, amigo. It's not that bad. Really.

People are lemmings (especially your friends) and do whatever you tell them too. If you tell them that the Beavis and Butthead Christmas Special is the coolest and that they simply must watch it, they will. If you tell them to play the Disney version of Monopoly for a few hours while making a drinking game about your dog licking his nuts, they will. You can even pop in a one-player video game and play it all by yourself in front of them if you tell them that they like to watch. But always remember, you MUST ALWAYS have a plate of Goldfish Crackers or cookies or something festively low-priced out for them to munch on or they will eat your dog. Entertaining your grabby friends is somewhat easy, but keeping them fed is a hassle.

Another thing that you can do in order to keep the assholes entertained and out of your way, while you get your holiday buzz back on in the kitchen, is to tell them to either read a Christmas classic out loud or put on a gay little Christmas play. For some reason everybody loves to hear T'was The Night Before Christmas or The Quietest Christmas Death Thrattle at least once a year. And hey, why fight stupid sentimentality. Either story gives you about 3 pints of blissful and merry intoxication. You'll need that for the next part.

4) Yup, now you must FEED THE LEECHES whom you, up to only a few hours ago, used to call "friends". Depending on how absolutely fucking and stinking cheap you are... just like your old girlfriend (that fucking goddamn stain of a slutty cum-dumpster!!!), the main holiday course can be difficult or not so difficult to prepare. For example, if you're a Rockefeller or a Gates, you probably already splurged on a turkey or a Chinese whore, and you have an adequate kitchen staff who started preparing it a week ago. But, knowing my readership you were lucky to find the marked down fuzzy-meat and some opened ramen cups that were priced half off at the Super Walmart. You cheap sonuvabitch! Why, if I had a rubber hose I'd... *Deep Breath*....

Whew! Better now. And remember to spread the food out too. It makes it look like you have a whole lot more than you really do. For example, put a bowl of lettuce out with some mayonnaise packets from Burger King and tell them the appetizer is a "Hyper Christmas Tossed Salad". Put some holly leaves, from the bushes in your front yard, into the bowl to sell them on the festive side of this 1st course. Holly berries might be overdoing things though. And NEVER accept your already drunk friend's offer to put dingleberries in anything that you intend to eat too.

Now for the MAIN COURSE. Depending on what the Bi-Lo had for their Blue-Light Special an hour ago you could find yourself faced with serving month-old scrambled eggs with those cute little candies shaped like stars and Christmas trees in them, or taco shells. Honestly, you might want to splurge a little more on this, you complete fucking Scrooge you... If you give your guests a meal that they won't remember (which is better than them remembering that they spent an hour or two over your balcony expooging all their eggnog intake through the night), you might actually GET ANOTHER PRESENT from each of them on Christmas Day! So go balls out and get that SPAM or those frozen egg-rolls that you had your eyes on! And heck, maybe go for broke and pick up a Red Baron pizza. Knowing your sorry monetary situation I can safely say that Frescetta is well out of your price range. As is probably Tombstone.

And finally, you must serve DESSERT. I know, I know, calm down. Yes, dessert is MANDATORY. It's kinda the whole reason that the holiday season was invented. Did you honestly think that everybody gets fat this time of the year on just TURKEY and HAM? Retard. No! It's all the sugar cookies, fruit cakes, pumpkin pies, Christmas babies, and gum drops that all the fat fatties ingest! Of course, you won't be serving any of those things. Christ! With how greedy the food manufacturers of America are this time of the year, you'll be lucky to be able to afford one of their cans of blood pudding or Virgin Birth-day cakes! So just settle for that bag of marshmallows that your stuffed down your shirt at the Circle K when the clerk was scanning the bag of Cheetos that you plan to eat by yourself when your mooching acquaintances finally get the hint and bugger off. You can either heat the marshmallows on the stove or serve cold. Either is acceptable.

5) After all is said and done, you finally get the pleasure of KICKING THE INGRATES OUT of your house/apartment/trailer/parents' basement. Start making comments during dinner about how "the front door sure looks lonely without people walking through it." But don't be too obvious or forceful; remember the potential for more presents! Start clearing your throat and coughing loudly while pointing at the door if it looks like your guests plan to sit around to fire or something even after knowing that the door is forlorn. If you have some way of performing a Vulcan Mind Wipe on them as they get pushed out the door, do it. Better safe than sorry.

Hold your blind Canadian rage in check for a little while longer. There will undoubtedly be a few stragglers who don't get the hint that the party's over. These lonely assfucks usually don't have a significant other with whom to have mad holiday sex with when they leave your place, so they don't care if they annoy you with their extended presence. This is when you have to put your foot down hard, but you must be careful in making sure that you don't crush their soul, for these lamers are usually your most financially well-off friends (mostly because all they spend their money on is subscriptions to incestbestiality.com and Hustler Magazine). They have the potential of buying you the most presents for your PARTY GENEROSITY.

If you're actually feeling forgiving and greedy at this point in the night, you might want to consider letting the freeloader stay and let him beat you in Tekken 27 a few times before you yawn out loud and say something like, "Holy goddamn Christmas cocks! I am soooooooooo fucking tired and I have to get up at 4AM tomorrow in order to mmmbbple bblelmmmnnnsn mmammd...." and just trail off. Let your mongoloid friend fill in the gaps in his own mind. If he still doesn't leave and/or suggests that you pop in a porno from your waaaay too large pornography collection, shoot him in the head and then dump his body in the lake the next town over. That's just sick, man. Who the fuck wants to watch a guy fuck, spank and whip 4 women while a hard-up friend sits next to you?!?! Well, who other than George Michael.

FINALLY FINALLY, when you're all alone in your house, start hitting the sofa cushions for loose change and dime bags.

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to handle certain PARTY FOULS that might arise during your festive holiday party.

• Problem: Some drunk dickwad spills his drink on your carpet.
  • Solution: Kindly but forcefully make the butt-pirate lick it up with his tongue.
• Problem: Somebody makes a joke about how your living room smells like piss and everybody either agrees with him or laughs with him.
  • Solution: Agree with him and giggle at his observation too... At least until you can get the cock-muncher alone and cut off his nose with a bagel knife so he won't have to smell the living room again.
• Problem: The main course gets burned, or the oven breaks, or one of your fat friends ate EVERYTHING when you weren't looking.
  • Solution: Kill the fat friend (he was never your real friend anyway), and order 6 pizzas from Pizza Hut. Have them delivered to your neighbor's house and then wait in your neighbor's bushes with a hockey mask on your face. When the delivery guy comes, jump him, beat him, leave him in a coma, and retreat to your place with food to feed an army. Actually, this tip is useful any time of the year whenever you're hungry.
• Problem: Somebody sits on, kicks, or accidentally shoots your dog while it begs for scraps at the table.
  • Solution: Kill the ass who killed your dog, then kill his dog, his family and anybody else who knew he existed.
• Problem: Some drunk cuntwad pukes on your carpet.
  • Solution: See the solution to the first holiday bonus hint.
• Problem: Everybody agrees that you throw the best parties and they insist that you throw this year's New Year's Eve party too.
  • Solution: Grab your passport and make a run for some Middle Eastern country that doesn't believe in the civilized world's holidays. While there change your name to Mohammed and kill some terrorists when nobody is looking.