So, you're sick and tired of being in a loving and lasting relationship. You can't stand to look at that dirty bitch/stupid dick anymore. You simply want cheap and tawdry sex with random drunk individuals again instead of banging the same boring person for the rest of your life. You're ready to END YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

STEP 1: You must assess the relationship that you are in. There are many colorful and fun ways to break your significant other's heart and crush their soul, but depending on where you are in your association there may be a wrong way and a right way to end things. Have you only been together for 6 months? Have you been married for 50 years? Have you only just fucked her/him in the dirty alley behind a cheap bar for the first time the night before and just don't like the cut of their jib (if you know what I mean)? Have you known them since you were born because they are your sibling or mother or father? Ha! That was a trick question, Alabamian. You'll have to wait for my next How To Guide for the help that you need: "How to Move the Hell Out of the South." But I digress. On to step two.

STEP 2: Write a list of all the things you hate about your significant other. Don't bother with a list of things that you LIKE about them. Seriously, you've already decided to end things with that jerk, don't pussy out now.

Write down how they snore at night, how their feet stink, how they never shut the fuck up about what THEY want and their needs and how THEIR family just died in a horrible car crash, and how they like to go for the NUTS whenever you have any arguments about how shitty a driver their father is was. Seriously, the nuts, that's not cool. Ever.

Remember how they always try for the Dirty Sanchez during every sexual encounter, but how they always fight tooth and nail whenever you simply want to try the Rear Admiral or the Blumpkin. Make sure you jot down their inability to show any kind of emotion other than "Whiny Little Whore" or "Stabby McPsycho Screamer." Oh, and try and remember every goddamn time they made you see a gay movie that THEY wanted to see instead of the newest shoot 'em up/romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock. That shit is admissible in court. You might even get away with a "not guilty" plea with a jury of your peers if you kill your lover over the fact that you had to watch their crappy flicks 40 dates in a row without one appeasement movie for your own sanity.

Anyway, the whole point of this step is to make sure you're in the right frame of mind for breaking up with your lover. You can't pussyfoot around this whole dealy-o. If you're going to end things with them you have to understand that you cannot see them, hang out with them, or even fuck them anymore. You must learn to LOATHE them. Who gives a shit if they're the father/mother of your children — badgers eat their young all the time... I don't know what that has to do with anything other than it's vicious and gross, but my point is you're not trying to remain friends with that devil-woman/whore-lover you're with, you're ending things with them. ENDing things. Things must END. HATE them.

"Oh," you cry, like the pathetic piece of worm dropping that you are. "But I want to remain friends with my significant other!" Then fucking MARRY them. Stay together with them if you want to remain friends. If you don't want to keep seeing them in a relationship then you shouldn't want to keep seeing them period. Once again, don't pussy out now, HATE THEM.

STEP 3: Build up to the breakup. Unless you're like 80 and trying to drop your old husband/wife like a sack of cancer (which they are) as fast as you can so that you can spend as many of your precious few remaining days at the titty bar/male strip review around the corner from your house, you want to take this slow and do it right. Start dropping little hints that they might not be "the one" for you. Like say, if they're a pathetic vegan who pickets with PETA every Saturday instead of pleasuring your genitals, leave out brochures for jobs at the slaughter house, or keep bringing up that new Italian place you'd like to try with their mouth-watering veal menu items. If your partner loves playing golf all the time leaving you alone on the weekends, start talking about taking up tennis because that new tennis coach your friends keep talking about apparently has a solid and firm and POWERFUL swing. MMmmmmmmmmm...

If you attempt to leave hints regarding sexy beasts of the opposite sex to your significant other you need to make sure that they don't come across as just an attempt to make them jealous. You should actually wink openly to hot ladies/men in restaurants, pinch your waiter's/waitress' ass when your date is looking, talk openly about how "that couple over there... Man I'd bang the shit out of her/him... I wouldn't even take their clothes off, just rip a hole in their pants/panties and go to fucking town!.... Oooooooo yeah."

This next part is a big one psychologically: start disagreeing with everything that they say. This works the best when the topic is A) religion, B) politics, or C) kids. It's even bestester when you combine them. For example, if your honey says "Oh, I can't wait to have kids! What do you think, sweetie? Three or four?" You respond with "Three or four what? Abortions? Fuck the saints in Hell! At fucking LEAST three!" Boom. Religion, politics, AND kids in one response. Also start mentioning how much your hate their mother. Or, if they actually hate their own mother too, start talking about how sexy she is. This one works well whether you're a woman or a man. Lick your lips whenever you talk about her too. Bring her up in any conversation you can. Example: "Honey, not chicken. We just had chicken last night... You know, I bet your mother would look hot in nothing but an apron."

You can try "talking in your sleep" too. Just don't overdo this if you attempt it — it may come off as too cartoony. Just start mumbling the names of his/her best friends in the middle of the night with lots of moans of pleasure in between. Nobody really talks in complete sentences while dreaming, so don't just all of a sudden one night blurt out some shit like "Fuck you, whore! I wanna divorce!.... ZzzzzzzzZZZZZ." They'll never buy it, and they just might try harder to "love" you if you blow your hand early like that. Especially if you're rich.

STEP 4: Take a breath and take the plunge. Now, just so you know, there are many ways you can do this: Rip her/him off like a Band-Aid; lay it on soft and gentle and hold them all night while they cry like little baby dolls who wet their pants; go raving psychotic on them and scare them away; or, my favorite, go full-out "HULK SMASH" and start breaking everything in sight, including their ugly fucking face.... God they're ugly, and they DESERVE it!

Whatever your tactic, plan your break-up accordingly. If you know your retarded lover is an attention whore, get him/her in private (preferably their house in case they snap and start throwing things at you... Let it be THEIR things they break); do not give them the satisfaction of making a scene in public. If you know that they tend to get meaner when you're alone, make sure you're in a trendy, popular, and most importantly FULL restaurant when you break the news to them that they're hideous and you're banging your boss' secretary. If you truly hate the living bloody shit out of them then wait till they have a family reunion and keep leaving hints that you have some "HUGE news to share with them, but want to wait for the perfect moment." Then, in front of their 40 cousins, 5 siblings, parents, and one surviving Holocaust great-grandpa, get everyone's attention by tapping a spoon on a glass, and then in a booming voice announce that you're having twins.... With your hot mistress who you keep in a cheap apartment near your office. Oh, and you better fucking tape that shit and put it up on YouTube later. That's Pulitzer fucking material there.

My point here is that you should be well aware of the best way to stab your lover in their heart while blindfolded by now, and you will want to not only break things off with them in the most painful and humiliating way possible (hell, why not?), but you'll also want to save any physical or property damage of your own in the process. NEVER break up with your other while at your place, or while you're both naked in the sack. You are at your most vulnerable when you're surrounded by your own valuables and he/she has access to your golf clubs or tennis racquet, or when you're buck-ass naked. And if you're a guy, you do NOT want your jabrones out in the open when you tell your girlfriend, "Baby, hell, it IS you. You're just so damn needy and bitchy. Yeah, you're a great roll in the sack, but I'd much rather be doing your tighter younger sist--" That's about when she realizes that your grapes are within squishing distance and remembers that her Lee Press-On Nails are pretty damn durable and sharp.

Ladies, if your man is an actual MAN's man, and not an emo-pussy boy who cries while watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 with you, and if you actually want to be fairly gentle with him (or at least don't want a black-eye for your breakup news), then just cook him up a great dinner first (at his place, of course), and keep force-feeding him until he's too full to even think about sex (yes, this is actually possible). Then, while he's in a digestive daze, just tell him, "Yo, faggot, we're through. I'm out. Gonna go get me some giant cock toniiiiiiiiiiiight!" Then look down at his crotch, laugh, and slam the door behind you. He'll know it's over but it'll still be two days before he can think of anything but sleep and maybe laxatives.

And if you're a guy and want to be fairly light on your girl in your ending of your relationship, then just go out and buy a 12-inch dildo and SHOVE it right up your own ass, you fudge-packing pansy! "Boo-hoo! I don't want to hurt her feelings!" FUCK YOU. If you don't want her stalking you like the raging pile of misplaced estrogen that she is, then you better buck up, cowboy. You have to be solid, sure of yourself, and most of all mean. Call her names, throw out insane stories about how you fucked her best friend and her dog all at once. You have to make her HATE you or else you run the risk of a relapse.

A relapse relationship is the worst thing you can EVER fall for. Those things NEVER last, and they're even more awkward to get out of (mostly because the psycho hose beast thinks that if she won you back once already she can do it again and again "because you were MADE for each other, just like Donny and Marie!"). You have to be strong, and you NEED to make it clear that it is over. No ifs, ands, buts, or vaginas about it. Remember, you HATE her, mister! There's a reason you wanted to dump the chump in the first place. Do it. Don't think, just do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Reach into her ribcage and YANK her heart out, throw it on the floor, take a shit on it, then jam it back in to her chest. Then punch her in the face three times. Then walk away. It's over.

STEP 5: Get laid. This isn't just an important step, it's the WHOLE REASON for the previous 4! The sooner you get your rebound fuck out of the way the sooner you can stop second guessing yourself about dumping your now ex lover and actually get on with your life. Don't worry about looks in your rebound too much, but really, don't just forsake them entirely (seriously, Sharon from Accounting needs to lose that unibrow if she really thinks you need to give her a chance).

Go out there and find some juicy pussy/big-ol-fat cock. Get satisfied, and then get drunk (just not too drunk that you call your ex and have a sloppy hook-up... Remember what I said about that psycho never letting go after that). Never call your ex again. Never mention him/her unless it's to mock them to your friends or their family. Your time with them is over. If you find that you just can't forget about them, or find that you really DO need them to go on living, well fuck. They were probably the only true love of your life that you will ever meet and you just blew it. You are one annoying and pathetic wanker. You should just die. Alone. Your ex lover would want that too. You make me fucking sick.

Bonus tips:

You broke up with your lover, but they just won't leave you alone. What do you do now?! It's so hard to troll for poon-tang/cock-and-balls when they keep interrupting your mojo.

Get a fucking gun. Shoot him/her.

No, no, no, I kid. That would be illegal and immoral (I don't know what that last word is, but my religious friend assures me it's true). But seriously, buy a gun and shoot them. No! I kid! I kid. Wrong. No, do it. Kill them. Bathe in their stupid and ugly blood. That's a joke. Really. No, do it. No, I'm just joshing you. That is jail-worthy. Yeah, you might find a life-long lover while in the clink (against your will more than likely), but you don't want that. Buttsecks. No. Seriously, do it.

No matter what you think of, it's just too NICE for your lover. You want to break up with her/him, but you simply don't know how to make it painful enough.

Ah, this old dilemma. I know the answer to that which you seek. All you have to do is what Just Kidding did to me: Get to know me for 8 years, become one of my best friends, let me get to know your whole family as if they were my own, and then finally start dating me. THEN simply cut off all lines of communication starting with phone calls. Never answer when I text you, do not reply to email or snail mail, and hide in your apartment when I come around and politely knock on your door to see if you're alright. Then, email me a few years later just to taunt me, but stop almost immediately to try and make me even crazier. After that you need to buy a house with your younger brother, and mysteriously get pregnant even though our mutual friends all admit that you haven't had a relationship in about a year.... But you do seem to hold your brother's hand just a little too cozy for anyone's comfort.

THAT is the ultimate way to fuck over your lover.

Send me money.
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