The
Rossman's California Dreams and Adventures
(page 10: Unification)
What was there left to do after
GT3 and PS2 Metal Gear? Why, go to the Nintendo
booth and make fun of their games of course! Granted, both Jason
and I grew up on Nintendo games, I still have people call me
"Master Link" when talking to me in any kind of sexual
way, and I even have a tattoo of Princess Toadstool on my left
nipple... but we're grown ups now! And being grown up means making
fun of things that are aimed at kids. Just like you make fun
of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hula hoops, and pornography
now. Sure you may like them more than ever today then you did
when you were five, but you can never tell anybody that you do.
And if you brag about how much porn you have to people (especially
grandparents), they usually try to steal it from you or turn
you in to the cops for being a pervert and setting up surveillance
cameras in peoples' bedroom windows at night so then they
can steal them from you and you still have to live with that
annoying sign on your yard telling the neighbors that you like
to watch them fuck.
So, we decided it would be fun. But, once we got over to the
big N's gorgosaurus set-up we kind of had to back down. We had
our hopes set high, but in the end we were men enough to admit
that we were wrong. It turned out that Nintendo had the best
collection of games at E3. Yeah, Luigi's Haunted Mansion
for the GameCube was pretty gay, but it looked damn sweet. Super
Smash Brothers Melee was way more fun than it should have
been. The new Star Wars 3D shooter was my favorite game
at the entire show! Then they had the two new Zelda Gameboy
games in the back and previews of Metroid IV and Metroid
Prime. Compared to most companies that only had one nifty
game in their collections that might have had any sort
of potential, the big and evil N had more than a half dozen in
total. They were also giving away free Gamboy Advances weeks
before they were even commercially available! The most the Microsoft
booth did for me was have Bill Gates give me a bad hummer. Goddammit
Microsoft don't got it goin' on....
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After
waiting in a looooooong-ass line for an hour and a half for the
chance to sit at a giant roulette table and be one of 12 people
who wins a Gameboy Advance, my crew finally got to the front.
But just as we were about to sit in our seats it was announced
that it was the "spinner's" lunch break and we'd have
to wait another hour to play. Well, the entire line got ultra
pissed and we started stomping our feet and chanting "We
will rock you!!" because it seemed cool at the time. Now
I realize just how juvenile and really really bone fuckingly
dumb we looked.... Sorry.
Anyway,
we made the mental Nintendo hired-help reconsider, and Becky
(the girl in the picture above) was ordered to take over for
an hour. She was not too pleased with the outcome and kept slapping
our hands like a trigger happy unsexed nun armed with an extendible
ruler. Finally all the prizes were put out on the spinning table
and she gave it a twirl. Everybody around the circular counter
pounded the wheel whenever the one GBA came near them in the
hopes of having the table shatter and thereby win by default
I suppose. Once again I can only think that we must have looked
like kids on the small bus thinking that our idiocy would
affect the outcome of the roll and change our lives forever and
help us excape our Uncle's misplaced "hugs" for the
rest of our lives. Finally the roulette table slowed down and
the Gameboy ended up a fraction of an inch inside the zone of
some fat bald guy. He started jumping up and down like he had
a mad weasel with herpes in his pants but the kid next to him
shut him up by claiming the the arrow was indeed directly in
between their two zones. A big argument and a lame fistfight
broke out between the two gaybees, but Becky didn't want any
of it. She slapped the baldy down and said that they would spin
again and that "there would definitely be a winner this
next round... or you will all die!!!" But just as she reached
for the wheel she began to break down and cry. She pulled out
clumps of her own hair in grief and fell to the floor in a petite
sobbing pile of womanness when she noticed that somebody had
taken the diversion of the smackfest to grab the Gameboy and
run like a mental Southerner with a bad haircut.... Actually,
I'm only guessing about how she reacted to the theft of the Gameboy
since I was the one who "yoinked" it and bolted. She
seemed like the whiny type though. |
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