Athletic competition has always been something I enjoy. No, not when I'm IN the competition, but when I get to watch others run, sweat, and hurt... That's fun! Which is why I so love the Olympic Games. It's over two weeks of men and women (more fit than I'll ever be) racing, swimming, scoring, hitting things, swinging on things and jumping over things all for my personal enjoyment! Fuck hackneyed sitcoms. Screw shitty reality-themed shows! Gimme weathered and beaten athletes chasing for the gold (forget about the silver and bronze... There's really only one winner in each competition. Anybody who tells you otherwise is just a pussy who only got third place).

So with today's Examiner piece, I want to dive (yes, I'll be using TONS of really gay sports metaphors throughout this thing) right into what makes the Olympics the Olympics. No, it ain't those fruity rainbow rings, nor is it that ever burning flame they keep lit in that giant torch in the center of the stadium... Now that I think about it both those things make the Games sound very anti-straight. Weird. But no, what makes the Olympics so exceptional is the variety of competitions that our athletes participate in. Unfortunately, this is also what makes the Olympics kind of lame. Along with the triathlon, the 400 meter hurdles, and wrestling they have synchronized swimming, table tennis and field hockey. Hopefully by the end of this article I will have discovered why such lame activities are allowed in the same boat such great events as boxing and judo. If not, whatever.

Let's go in alphabetical order. First up is:

Archery
Yeah, it takes skill to shoot an arrow into a bullseye at 100 yards with a crosswind... But it also takes skill to fuck a hooker without touching any of the sores on her thighs and ass. That doesn't mean you should get a medal for it. Hmmm, well, maybe you should for that hooker thing, but with all the high-tech equipment that the competitors use in the archery event nowadays it's mainly the sophisticated bows and digital readouts that win medals. Not the man behind them. This is basically the redneck event of the Olympics. Every member of Tammi With an "I"'s family can shoot a deer through the heart with a bow and arrow from 50 yards away in a forest while drunk. Honestly, that's a competition I'd much rather see than a team of guys in the same uniform asking for quiet from the 5-6 spectators who couldn't get tickets to the track and field events so that the circle target doesn't get spooked and run away.

My opinion: Archery is too lame for the games.

Badminton
Holy shit! This event almost makes me take back everything I just said about archery. Badminton is the complete pussy's answer to tennis. It was made for losers who needed 10 seconds to aim for the ball, er, birdy, in order to get their shot ready. Back in college I signed up for badminton as an easy way out of my athletic requirement. I went into the class thinking it was going to be a breeze and an easy "A". Well, truth be told I was a bit surprised at its difficulty. I mean, over the course of one class period I almost got a blister in between my thumb and index finger because I had to swing my racquet 4 times during my match that day. FOUR TIMES!!! I felt like George Jetson at his button-pushing job! I almost had to see a nurse at the health station. Well, almost before some buddies told me that getting shit faced was a more acceptable cure for my pussy blister.

My opinion: Badminton is for pusswads who think that ping pong is too hard core.

Baseball
Okay, now we're getting somewhere... but we're not quite there yet. See, I do think of baseball as being a true sport and all (definitely ranking higher on the coolness factor than archery and badminton), but it just doesn't say "Olympic Activity" to me. The Olympics should be all about one on one competition... Or unequivocal teamwork as in the relays or some shit like that. But baseball is boring. Nine innings and the spectators are lucky if any team scores a single point. That's not what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they started this whole shebang! They were thinking of action! Suspense! And nudity... Which I'm glad we eventually covered up all the guys and all, but still think that the beautiful form of all Olympic ladies should be as free to view as Paris Hilton's skanky ass is on the internet. Well, all Olympic ladies except the Italians. Seriously, we're all lucky we got them to shave their legs for their shorts-wearing events. I could still see terrible terrible birdsnests peeking out of their leotards and pantalones though.. Lovely.

My opinion: Baseball is a great pastime... When you need an afternoon off from work to get drunk. Too lame for the Olympics though.

Basketball
Almost the same as my thoughts on baseball, but basketball at least offers some excitement. People are constantly running up and down the court and the ball is always being passes around like a $12 hooker at the Olympic Village the night before the game. Buuuut, once again, the game doesn't quite seem Olympic enough. And it seems way too American. At least baseball is big in countries like Mexico, Cuba and Japan (where they think they're cool for playing it, but they're really just laughable). Basketball is mostly just an American sport due to the fact that we're the only country on the planet that has enough guys over 6'5" who can dunk the ball to cover something like 50 national teams. To watch China and the Philippines try to play is pretty funny. Most countries' teams (like most countries' baseball teams) have to use American players to beef up their ranks, AND teach the rest of the team how to actually play the game. That's pathetic.

My opinion: Nope, not an Olympic sport.

Beach Volleyball
Fuck yeah! This is what I'm talking about! Tight girls in bikinis playing the most kinetically charged game of volley I've ever seen! I honestly don't know if there's a men's tourney for beach volleyball, but who cares. Only homos watch that stuff. Seriously, all the women I know just want to watch the "girl power" uber-volleyball with me. They don't care about the guys. And of course all the straight guys I know were just watching Misty May and Kerri Walsh at the 2004 games as they patted eachother's bottoms and hugged and jumped up and down whenever they scored a point. Yeah, "beach volleyball" probably isn't something the original Greeks would have thought of as a competition sport, but the spirit is still there. The spirit to STUFF that fucking volleyball so far down your opponent's sun-cracked throat with each over-the-net smash! This sport is more manly than wrestling, only with lots more sexiness and more touching. RrrrrrrroooooARRrrrrr!

My opinion: Great competitiveness, good opportunity for a boner... Yes, it is a great Olympic sport.

Boxing
Now we're talking. Two people punching the shit out of eachother in an enclosed ring with nowhere to run. My only problem with Olympic boxing is all the crap they make the boxers wear. Big puffy gloves, head gear, mouth guard... Come ooooooon. Just give me two large men with some leather gloves going all 1930's style boxing on eachother! I want to see blood, sweat and possibly death. That's what the original Olympics were about, first place, and the losers who died.

My opinion: One of the greatest Olympic events!... Now if only they'd introduce Olympic Foxy Boxing...

Canoe/Kayak
Come on now. I've fucking gone conoeing. Yeah, the guys and gals who do Olympic kayaking are muuuch better than me and my pals, but if it's something I could do, and do fairly well, then there shouldn't be an Olympic event for it. Plus those athletes just look so silly in their little dingies just plugging away in the water.

My opinion: Too funny to be an Olympic event.

Cycling
A good modern addition to the games. Ever since the mechanical two-wheeled horse was invented, it's been fun to watch people pedal around on them looking like goofy fools what with those giant front wheels and retarded sloped helmets (again with the safety issue! I just want to see a cyclist go flying over the handlebars and bash his/her fucking skull in! Is that so wrong?). But what I don't get is why they have something like 150 separate events for riding a bike? They have the kilometer race, the 500 meter, the mountain biking, the cross country and tons of track races. Why not just make one short and one long race? Do the Olympic people simply make way too many medals each year and think of silly ways to give them all out? Why not make all the different races really different and memorable instead? Mix biking and riflery. Throw out tons of little lap dogs and cats onto the course and watch the bikers all dodge them and eachother. Mix that biking/riflery thing with the lap dog/cat thing and really have some fun! Get creative. Who cares if somebody can cycle a round track 3, 6, 9, or 12 times in separate races. Just give me one long 30 lap race and see who doesn't go flying off the top track into the spectator stands.

My opinion: A good Olympic event, just too many variations of it. It's like, how many different flavored LifeSavers candies do you need? First there's regular flavors.. That's good, but then they make Tropical Flavors, Berry Flavors, Citrus Flavors and Minty Savers. Fuck it. Christ, was I trying to make a point there?

Diving
What the fuck? How the shit is "jumping into water" a sport? True, there's no way I could do what they do with such a little splash, but my 3 year old nephew can fucking "jump into water". Even head first when he's not careful. I say if a "sport" can be done with G.I. Joe action figures without any outside control, it should not be in the Olympics. You can't make a Sgt. Slaughter figure run 100 meters. You can't make a Storm Shadow figure play volleyball. But you CAN make a Snake Eyes action figure fall off of a high dive, and he'll make less of a splash than Greg "I have the AIDs" Louganis on a perfect 10 jump.

My opinion: Not an Olympic event.

Equestrian
Hold the fuck on. How the hell is this even in the games? Unless the human is actually carrying the goddamn horse it just doesn't count as a feat of man. It's the horse that's running around and jumping over stuff, the guy/gal's just along for the ride. Have the four-hoofed beast stand up on the winners' podium while the jockey's behind it cleaning up its shit and we'll talk, but until then...

NOT a sport at all, let alone an Olympic sport.

Fencing
I don't know why, but I have mixed feelings about this. Sure, it's cool to watch two people swordfight, even if neither dies or even gets scratched. But it just feels... Ummm, I dunno. Wrong. Maybe it's all because whenever I think "fencing" I think "Madonna's incredibly retarded cameo in the James Bond movie, Die Another Day" when she played the world's best fencing expert and acted really horribly. Sorry, Fencing. It's not your fault.

My opinion: Fencing had all the right stuff to make it an Olympic powerhouse event, but Madonna fucked it up.

Field Hockey
Christ in a shit basket! Field hockey is so ridiculous that it makes soccer look not gay. No ice, no fights, no fast moving pucks that could fuck a person up 5 ways till Sunday if one got you right in the kisser. Field Hockey should not exist. Seriously, did they think it was an improvement over REAL hockey? I don't even give a crap if field hockey came before ice hockey. If that's the case it should have been retired seeing as ice hockey just kicks it's ass! Ice hockey is like the only Olympic team-played sport I can get behind for reasons I'll get into when I do my eventual Winter Olympics rundown in 17 months.

My opinion: Seriously? I don't need to answer, do I?

Gymnastics
Now here's something that may sound really lame and gay, but I actually really get into. Whether it be regular gymnastics or rhythmic gymnastics, those chicks are really sweet! In regular gymnastics, the girls (seriously, who watches MEN'S gymnastics?) are nothing but pure muscle. They flip, twirl, fly and jump like little monkeys through the jungle. Like mini Tarzans! Mini female Tarzans with no breasts. It's just incredible to watch them move. Now, as for RHYTHMIC gymnastics, we have kind of the opposite end of the spectrum. Most of the combatants in rhythmic are all tall, leggy and curvy girls in their 20s. They're all elegant and graceful in their movements and every step, twirl, and somersault they perform is as fluid as your bowels after a huge prune and bran breakfast. Did I mention that they're all tall, leggy and curvy? I am just so disappointed that NBC always hides the rhythmic finals on BRAVO at like 3AM on the second to last day of the games. I almost always miss it! And oh... The way those ladies move those ribbons! All I must say is god bless Japanese anime for introducing me to that glorious sport!

My opinion: Gymnastics are cool, rhythmic gymnastics are cooler. Screw the Mary Lous and Kerri Strugs of the world, just give me more Alina Kabaevas! Though one of the great things about regular 'nastics is that its competitions have an INCREDIBLE possibility for error and pain. Ever see a gymnast SLAM face first into the pommel horse? Awesome. Ever play witness to an athlete as he/she completely misses his/her landing off of the parallel bars or the rings? It's a sight to see. And it's what international competition is about. PAIN.

Handball
..................................................................... Que el fucko es handball?

My opinion: Is this a joke? Is my editor just trying to slip something in here that is a sly (not really) joke about me touching myself? Veeeeeeery funny.

Judo
Oh hell yeah! Now THIS is real competition. Two people, face to face, trying to throw the other's ass to the ground! I think I really only have an appreciation for this sport thanks to Yawara, that fashionable judo girl. Hell, she went to Barcelona, Atlanta, and then her real life counterpart went to Athens and won a gold! And yes, I do realize how pathetic it is that the reason I like so many sports is because I saw them acted out in anime first... Just wait till I get to the track and field events and start talking about Battle Athletes.

My opinion: Martial arts of any kind should actually dominate the Olympics. They're just too cool for school. Boooooooooooooooy!

Pentathlon
Okay, now some of the events in the modern pentathlon are pretty lame. Shooting? What the fuck? Horsey riding? Come on... But there's also swimming, fencing and running, so that's all well and good. And the fact that all those events and then some are all rolled up into one run for the medal is what makes me cheer. More Olympic sports should be bundle events. Archery is stupid, but have the athletes try and pull that bow string back after swimming 3 miles and then you have a competition. Just make sure you sit directly behind them when they shoot. Sure they'd lose points if they got you in the leg or chest, but that thought wouldn't make the bleeding stop.

My opinion: More competitions should be like this. Lots of small stuff wrapped up in one medal package. It would make things a bit more interesting. For another example, make somebody arm wrestle 20 times in a row, and then fence for a few rounds with the same arm holding the sword. Then, they have to catch a greased pig, run 10 miles and finally street fight with M. Bison until there's a clear winner (and Bison can use his cheating "foot slide trip" move as much as he wants). The winner would be the Olympian King/Queen!!

Rowing (aka Crew)
This is the exception to my "no teams" rule. Crew is like the epitome of teamwork and competition. This ain't no pussy kayaking, holmes. These guys and gals can't flip their little boatsy woatsy upside down to refresh themselves (can kayakers really do this? I've heard stories). Crew is just a bunch of strong dudes in one sharp boat rowin' the SHIT out of the water and shooting like a bullet across the horizon. It's still a race, unlike other lame team Olympic sports, and it's fast and fun to watch, unlike kayaking. Plus, have you ever tried that evil rowing machine at the gym? I'm not talking about playing with it on it's 1-5 settings. That's for children. Try it at the top level, and do that for 10 minutes straight at a constant pace. That's what those athletes fucking do. My back hurts just thinking about it.

My opinion: The only way Olympic team events should be held. Rowing is teh b0mb.... Sorry.

Sailing
Come on. Seriously, you Olympic retards in charge of making these events up, I call shenanigans. Sailing?! Windsurfing?! Pathetic. I caught some of the windsurfing on TV during the 2004 games, and it sucked. It was laughable. Who gave the green light to this shit?! Yeah, it was cool to see Israel win their first Gold ever in this event... But I think we should have just given them a gold (you know, tell all the other athletes to "lay off Izzy for one race") in a track and field event that might have actually meant something. Windsurfing? The way they flip-flap their sails over and over again looks like their having a stroke and a seizure while trying to stay balanced and harness Triton's mighty sea breeze without becoming shark chow. Now, if they actually DID introduce sharks to the competition... Exciting.

My opinion: Just the term "sailing" reminds me of that old rhyme I heard long ago.

"Oh cabin boy, oh cabin boy,
That dirty little nipper.
He lined his ass with broken glass,
and circumcised the skipper."

Wow! This page is huge already. You're going to have to continue to page 2 if you want to read more.... Don't be a pussy! Do it!