A few years ago some friends and I came up with an incredible idea for who should become the next president of the United States of America. Actually we came up with two. The first idea was for Batman to be president, which sounds good in theory, but communism works in theory too, don't forget. The problem with the Bat is that he's essentially psychotic. He's rich and knows jujitsu and shit, but the left wouldn't vote for him because he's too hard on crime, and the right wouldn't vote for him because he's so anti-gun. The next (and best) idea was for Optimus Prime to become president... Unfortunately he's an illegal alien, and even if people were convinced to overlook this teensy complication you just know that Florida would fuck up and vote for "Michael Bay's Optimus" instead of the real one. Fuck Florida.

DENNY CRANE FOR PRESIDENT

Now that I'm older and wiser, I want Denny Crane to be president.

Yes, Denny Crane is a lawyer. Yes, I think that most lawyers are scum-sucking, used-douche lickers, but Denny is the exception to the rule. In fact, if you ever intimated within earshot of him that he was a typical lawyer he'd shoot you. Well, first he'd state, "Denny Crane!" then he'd shoot your for even insinuating that he was "typical" or average in the least. Denny helped start the greatest law firm that has ever existed: Crane, Poole & Schmidt. To show you just how cut-ass rugged all three named senior partners are, Denny used to captain the Starship Enterprise and fuck hot, green alien chicks every week, Schmidt used to work with Jim Dial at FYI News, and Poole almost got the role of George Costanza on Seinfeld. Almost.

Denny Crane.

Denny Crane is one of the greatest Americans who ever lived. Yes, he may have the mad cow right now, but even with an impaired brain he's still on top of his game. He knows how to manipulate people in order to get the results that he wants both in life and while conducting a trial, and he's almost always right. About everything.

Denny Crane also shoots people. He's no pussy, and he only ever shoots people in either self defense or because they're utter assholes. Let's see, he shot that dickhead who was holding his best friend, Alan Shore, hostage in his own law offices, he capped that one AIDs-infected cunt rag (who raped and killed a child, and whom Denny was supposed to be defending, but whom he just didn't like) in the kneecaps while claiming "self defense," he shot his shrink twice, and that one "oh whoa is me" mentally unbalanced homeless guy who had just thrown a baseball-sized rock right into Denny's head simply because Denny didn't hear the fup beg for change outside the subway tunnel — Denny only hit Bummy in the head with a paintball pellet though, so you socialist whiners out there can just shut the fuck up about civil rights and shit.

Denny Crane is the proudest American who ever lived (next to maybe Teddy Roosevelt, bully!). He loves this country and states quite frequently that if you have problems with it, and have no solutions, but plenty of piss boiling up inside of you, get the fuck out! He doesn't say it in so many words though; usually he'll just state "Denny Crane," and you understand just what he's talking about. Denny Crane loves guns, but he admits that there is a problem with guns in this country: There aren't enough of them. "Just think, Alan, if they [every US citizen] all carried guns, nobody would shoot each other." Yeah, you laugh at that statement at first ("Oh, that silly, right-wing nutjob! Guns, guns, guns! Ha ha ha"), but it actually makes sense. If any psycho, Korean asshole had brought a couple of handguns into a crowded college classroom and everybody had a gun in that classroom, the only poor fuck getting glocked that day would be the psycho himself.

Denny Crane is also very sick of whiney liberals whose knee-jerk reaction is to mock any political figure who doesn't bend over and offer his/her asshole to radical Islam, or any of this country's enemies. Denny Crane is usually well composed and able to brush off these people's retarded sentiments with a glib "you're an idiot" response, but he has been known to simply calling them "pinky communists" (and rightly so) before walking away in disgust.

Perhaps the best thing about having Denny Crane for president would be that NOBODY WOULD FUCK WITH US for the entire time that he is in the White House. All the psycho or asshole countries in the world would stay the hell away from us either because they thought Denny Crane was a genius tactician (who could see 10 steps ahead of anybody else in any mental chess game he was thrown into), or because they knew he was bat shit crazy with the mad cow (with hyper-megaton nukes at his disposal). Either reason is fine with me, just as long as he keeps commies and Muslim extremists at bay.

Denny Crane.

ALAN SHORE FOR VP

Yes, Denny Crane would make an exceptional president, but only if he had Alan Shore as his VP (or even as his First Lady) to reel him in and keep him from going nuclear (literally). Alan Shore may be a left-winged pussy politically, but he's a helluva good guy, and the best friend in the world (next to Denny Crane). Plus, Alan is a slimeball, but a slimeball with a heart of platinum.

Alan Shore is always there for Denny, and therefore would always be there for the US citizenry. You know he'd help brush all of the presidential sex scandals under the oval rug (and there'd be more than with Clinton and JFK combined with Denny in the White House), and he might even partake in a few just to be a part of the first 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue foursome, or all-out gang bang, on record.

Whereas Denny Crane is all polish and class (and damn can that man dress!), Alan Shore is a bit more shady. You'd need him to do all the dirty work that Denny Crane just wouldn't be willing to touch or handle (which honestly wouldn't be that much, especially if a hot blonde was involved in any remote way). Alan Shore has been known to get his hands dirtier than most lawyers, even knowing full well that hiring two thugs to break into an opposing defendant's house, tie him up and rough him up a bit while stealing important documents, or getting his girlfriend to sex up a witness for opposing counsel might be considered "under the belt," or even "dis-barrable," or even illegal in 4/5ths of the civilized world. We need somebody like Alan Shore to keep Denny Crane squeaky clean. That's a helluva job, but Alan Shore is up to the task. Plus he'd keep the pinkos happy that there was one of their kind in the White House (in one way, shape or form). Alan Shore might go against Denny Crane on occasion, and try to butt heads with the main man's giant cranium, but he usually only does this when he has Denny Crane's best interests at heart.

THE SHENANIGANS

Just imagine how much more fun U.S. and global politics will be with the two BL boys in charge! First of all, every world leader's visit to the States would be highlighted with a trip to a newly legalized brothel, and if they were lucky each night would conclude with a celebratory nuke launch (Alan would be sure to have the Pentagon remove the uranium, don't worry) towards China or North Korea.

Denny Crane would also get laws passed that NEED to get passed, and he'd do it by wowing the shit out of the House and the Senate by making them think that it was their idea to legalize "shooting commies on sight," and "allowing all those who serve their country's armed forces to never have to pay taxes again." Both the right and the left would be left drinking scotch and smoking a stogie on a balcony at the end of a night thinking to themselves, "Yup... I sure pulled a fast one on them there other guys today... Funny why I never thought of making the Swedish Bikini Team an American National Treasure before."

And visiting other nations on diplomatic junkets would be the things that great sitcoms are made of. Reading about Alan Shore trying to get a bunch of illegals smuggled back into the US, while Denny Crane would uncover them hiding in the luggage rack on Air Force One, and then try to return them to their home country from 21,000 feet... Or how about watching Denny Crane sock the Queen in her face, over and over again on CNN's replay when he accidentally mistook her saying that the Sox suck when she really asked him what an 18 year-old Thai hooker tasted like. Comedy GOLD!

WHAT WE NEED TO DO

We need a write-in campaign that dwarfs (speaking of which, Denny Crane loves midgets too!) the Great Bill the Cat Write-In of '88. We need to start a grassroots crusade to get Denny Crane and Alan Shore into the nation's greatest seats of power by the next election. I don't think it will be too hard though. I mean I constantly walk around saying "Denny Crane" all the time to people, and 8 out of 10 respond with either "Denny Crane!" or, "That man should be president!"

Denny Fucking Crane!

Do you realize just how safe we'd be, both internally and globally, with President Crane in charge of the Free World? All 50 states would be as safe as Mayberry (without Barney Fife running up the casualty counter). Denny Crane makes Optimus Prime and Batman look like commie-loving pansies. Denny Crane! Denny Crane! Denny Crane! Tell everyone you know, "Denny Crane! For PRESIDENT!"