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PAGE 3
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The
letter below is why I created this site, to get responses from
chicks that I had crushes on when I was a kid. This is just beautiful.
I think I'm going to be slamming more television shows and movies
in the future. Then maybe some gorgeous babes will start coming
over to my house to personally thank me for remembering their
long forgotten careers.
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The Message:
Dear "the Rossman":
 I
am writing to you in regard to your article about "retarded
1980s television programs (editor's
link to the webpage in question)." My
name is Kim Fields and I played the character known as "Tootie" on
the show The Facts of Life.
I just wanted to tell you that I thought
that your very hateful and spiteful words are completely
mean spirited and not funny in the least. Mindy Cohn, who
played the character of Natalie Green, is a very good friend
of mine. Your attacks about her weight are malevolent and,
as you have put it, retarded. Mindy has been trying to
get thin her whole life. To make fun of her condition for
being different is beneath even an 8 year old who likes
to pull the wings off of tortured flies.
I hope that you are not as evil a man/boy
as you appear to be. That would be torture on your parents.
Kim Fields (editor's note: she played the part of Tootie on The Facts of
Life) |
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My Response to Tootie:
TOOTIE!!!! Whoo-hoo! I met Tootie!! Holy crap! This is awesome!
I mean, damn! You're Tootie!! I so wanted to fuck you
when I was 11 years old! You were definitely the best Facts
of Life girl! Even better than George Clooney!!
Hey, you know what? If you and Jo and Blair ever want to
get some four-way action going on, just give me a call! Hell,
even if it's just you that'd be fine by me! Just don't invite
that fatty Natalie. She'd break my fucking bed! God I hate
her fat ass! If you ever go out to lunch with her (which
would probably turn into dinner too), punch her for me and
tell her "it was from the Rossman." Thanks!
Sincerely,
-the Rossman |
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This
letter and my response are self explanitory.
| The
Message:
hello russman! i
realy do love you're webpage about hot anime girls . you are
real funmny and i just wanted too say that you are great!!
^_^ also i want you to send me hot pictures of some girls with
out clothes. if you have them send them to either 2535 *********
drive in sprindgale utah 84767 or you can email me at **********@yahoo.com. if
you have real women naked sned them to. i would realy like
to see them. you are the greatest!!! ^_^ |
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My Response:
There are so many things that are wrong with your letter, and
grammar and spelling are the least of your worries.
First of all, in case you didn't notice, my site is not
a porn site. Second of all, if I did have a private stash
of electronic pornography why would I share it with your sorry
Mormon ass?
I mean, it's not as if pornography is the hardest thing
in the world to find on the net. All you have to do is go
to google.com and type in "Disney" or "Barney
the dinosaur" and you'll get a list of sites that cater
to your every perverted need. Why solicit a so called comedy
site for whack-off material?
Now the real problem that I see here is that you live in
Utah and there is not a naked girl (hot or not) around for
hundreds of miles. Women there shower fully dressed and put
on clean clothes before they take off their dirty ones. They're
that afraid of hurting their god's feelings by letting him
see a little "follower titty."
My advice to you is to first look up some good porn on your
daddy's computer. Then pack up your conservative clothes
without plastic buttons and move to L.A. where you can become
a super-porn-star superhero ala Orgasmo. Let him be
your idol. Nickname yourself "The Load Blower" and
start blowing your load all up and over Tera Patrick and
Kobe Tai. Then write me when you're having fun banging 6
girls at a time and I'll take your leftovers.
Sincerely,
-the Rossman |
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Every
once in a while I get mail (from retarded assholes like this).
These letters make me stop and think about life in general and
the "how's and why's" of the universe. Like "how
can a person this mentally fucked up actually live long enough
(without killing himself by eating paint chips or running head
first into walls) to actually learn how to read and write in
order to send me this letter." Damn civilization!! It's
destroyed Darwinism!
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The Message:
 Subject: attention time travelers and aliens
If you are an alien disguised
as human and or have the technology
to travel physically through time I need your help!
Also if you are from, I'm not sure this is the correct
pronunciation: The planet (Valnator) please reply.
My life has been severely tampered with and cursed by a very
evil
women of my past.
I have suffered tremendously!
I need to be able to:
Travel physically back in time.
Rewind my life including my age.
Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my
life
from being tampered with again after I go back.
I am in great danger and need this immediately!
Only if you are an alien or have this technology please send
me a
separate email to:
********@aol.com
Thanks
Robby |
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My Response:
What?
Are you trying to be funny? Are you
a retard who got away from his captors long enough to send out
this message to one lucky individual in the world in the hopes
of some kind of help?
Oh, I just saw your e-mail address. You're an AOLer. You really
are a re-re. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Please don't
go all psycho and shit and try to hunt me down in order to crush
me in your big mentally handicapped hug!!!
Honestly though, I hope you do get to
go back in time some day, but I hope you go so far back that
you revert to sperm, and as you race to your mother's egg you
get confused and wonder where you are, allowing some other sperm
to win. Freak.
Sincerely,
-the Rossman |
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This
kind of stuff pisses me off! Who does this guy think he is?!
And who gave him my address?!?! My guess is my ex, Heather. Always
blabbin' her mouth! Dammit! I guess everybody knows now, so there's
no more hiding it :(
Subject: PERFECT PACAKGE
GUARANTEED
MEN.....Stop Being
Ashamed Of Your Penis Size!
Women Get This For
Your Boyfriend/Husband
It REALLY WORKS!
CLICK HERE NOW TO BE AMAZED |
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My Response to the nosey bastard:
You son of a bitch!!! Who told you?!?! Names, you crack whore!!
I want NAMES!!......
*SOB*!!! Why, Lord, whyyyyyy??!!? Now the whole world knows!!!
Yes.... It's true.... I'm ashamed of my penis size. 13
inches long and 9 inches around is just too damn much!!!
It's my shameful secret!!! But now it's out in the open (not
literally). My cover's blown (though I guess that huge bulge
in my crotch like a rolled up puppy was a dead giveaway). If
this information hurts my presidential campaign for the 2016
election I'll track you down and forcefeed you all those Viagra
pills I got through e-mail order until everybody looks
like a horny Smurfette to you, asshole!!!
Sincerely,
-the Rossman |
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The
letter below is my initial reaction and the resultant replies
to my purchase of a (company's name deleted due to impending
legal action) car. I now hate (company's name deleted) with a
passion more heated than a thousand hells blowing up at the same
instant in the same cubic mile. Enjoy!
|
My first letter to the company:
Hey Cock-knockers,
You guys suck the mung out of dead hookers' diseased twats. What
the fuck kind of product and customer service do you fucking
provide?! Your mommas give better service and I don't even have
to pay them! Where as you ass pirates like to take my goddamn
wallet out of my pants while you anally intrude on my mental
well being, turning me into an insane poor man with a vendetta.
Not a smart move, you scrotum smokers. All I want from you is
the $23K I paid for the rectum drenching lemon you sold me, and
the $8 grand for all the parts and labor you raped me over including
my time, by the hour, spent in your annoying waiting room with
the TV that only picks up the Lifetime channel. Give me back
my money or I call Johnny Cockran! |
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The (name deleted) Motor Company's
response:
Dear Appreciated Customer,
We understand your frustration over some minor problems you may
have encountered while driving our company's fine automobile.
If you experience any more issues or have any more silly questions,
please feel free to contact our customer service line at 1-555-382-5968.
That's 1-KLJ-FUC-KYOU. We will immediately put you on hold and
proceed to charge your credit card, that we have on file, for
wasting our time and valuable gay sex sessions with your whiney
and annoying "problems". Well, guess what, tires blow
up every day in this country, Mr. "I Don't Wanna Die" faggy fag! I personally have even had my engine shoot out of
the hood of my car on at least two occasions. Do you think that
you are holier than thou? "Oh no! I want a refund because
my mother died when my brakes gave out and the fan belt came
loose and strangled her to death as we plunged over a cliff into
the jagged rocks in the surf below!!" QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'!!!!!
I lost six family members in the past two years alone because
of (company's name deleted) car minor mishaps and small malfunctions.
Just enjoy it while you are still alive... Baby.
Sincerely,
the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares |
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My response to (name deleted) Motor
Company's response:
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!! That's it!! You just pushed the wrong button,
my retarded friend! I went and hired the entire O.J. defense
team to take your creme filled asses down the shitter, like the
aweful after-birth that you are! I've even hired O.J. himself
to hunt what's left of your families down and hack their heads
off! Then I gave him open reign to fuck the neck holes of each
and every one of them! He loves to do it and I love his results!
I hope that you appreciate that this soon to be living hell that
will be brought upon you is 100% your fault. All I originally
wanted from you was my money back, my girlfriend to be brought
back to life after I mistakenly impaled her head as she was going
down on me in my car when it rolled over 20 times due to your
innability to bolt on tires correctly, and one night with Shannon
Elizabeth where in I had the freedom to try all 500 positions
in my Kama Sutra (Director's Cut) book I just got from
Amazon.
I'll see you in hell, candy boy! |
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Their response to my response to
theirs:
Dear goat fucker,
O.J. has just carved up the entire customer service department
with a ginsu knife and I no longer have a throat. I will be dying
shortly, but I wanted you to know that we here at the (deleted)
Motor Company have no regrets about the premium customer service
that you have received and the quality parts that we forgot to
install on your vehicle.......
Just kidding ^_^!! Ha ha! O.J. missed me as I hid under my desk
during the great culling. I survived and now live to torment
you until the end of time!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! I just broke
into our files too and fished out your Master Card. I have already
bought $4,523 worth of crap on E-Bay and will order another large
pizza this afternoon on it. So why don't you suck on my obese
and cellulite-filled tits, cause I am immortal!!!!
Sincerely,
the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares |
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This
is a "Thank You" e-mail I got from a couple who's wedding
I had recently attended. They're nice peoples.
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The Happy Couple:
Dearest Rossman,
We consulted our lawyer and found that it is indeed within our
rights to sue your ass for the destruction of (what was to be)
our glorious Matrimony Ceremony despite the fact that we actually
invited you (the first and probably biggest mistake of our married
lives) . Why you felt the need to blow up half of the wedding
party and set fire to our car with a molotov cocktail as we were
driving away I will never know. You are the reason that I felt
I had to carry that Phaser Stunn Gunn 2500 with me as I walked
down the aisle! I am also in pure awe of the fact that you had
the balls enough to invite two of your alcoholic friends and
that old bald man with the painfully bad halitosis to our special
day. I believe that they are actually responsible for more all-out
destruction than you were! I would sue them too, but they
have apparently crawled back into the holes in the ground that
they had originally spawned out of. So, I will simply add a few
more charges to the suit that my mentally scarred husband and
I will be slapping you with. You are a very disturbed individual,
Mr. 'the' Ross-man. I hope that you undergo massive counceling
and that my lifelong friend Amy is successful in removing your
testes someday so that you cannot breed.
Sincerely,
Leah and Josh |
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My Response to the lovebirds:
Did you like the gravy boat that I got you? I had to sell a lot
of pot to illegal alien children to pay for it all (actually
I just had Robot Pedro do it). If you don't want it, just let
me know so I can return it and buy myself the new Avantasia
CD.
Many happy returns and Merry Christmas to all!! |
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This is my very
first Celebrity E-Mail that I ever got! Sure, it's from
somebody I will never brag about knowing, but I think that I
can probably get a free pint somewhere in the world by saying
that Bobby Flay wrote
to me.
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Bobby Flay:
 Are you that fucking son fo a bitch Ross man that
said that I was gay and couldn't cook because I lost that rigged "Iron Fag Chef" contest that was rigged and unfair
in New York City? If you are then you are a fag and you are also
a loser because I WON in Tokyo where those little Asian non cookers
actually live!
Yes, and you are a fag. I won because I am better than every
Iron Chef even though they tried to rig and cheat me. The only
reason that I lost in New York was because it was unfair! It
was unfair the second time in Tokyo too (where we dropped the
bomb on those bastards! Raise da roof!) but I am not a fag so
I won by being as cool as I am. You are a asshole for rooting
for that Morimoto japanese man! I am an American so you should
cheer for me! I am not a gay man either because I have a girlfriend
who went to Japan (where we dropped the bomb on them) with me!
She is not a fag either!
What I am trying to say is that you are unamerican and I can
cook better than everybody! I won and I got a medal from that
fat sumo man! Raise da roof! Raise da roof!
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My Response to Mr. Flay:
Dude, you're gay. Accept it. I can set you up with this 'mo bodybuilder
freak that goes to my gym if you want. I think he's into chains
and shit if you're game.
As for the Iron Chef shows that
you've been on, they prove your retardation to me and to the
world. I just wanted to know if you were born with Down Syndrome
or if it was the effect of some industrial accident. You know,
like President Bush. I have money on the latter. I figure, it's
just impossible for a human to be as mentally fucked up as you
are naturally. Corky from that show where he played a tard wasn't
even that screwed.
Oh yeah, you suck as a chef too (Crab
tacos??? What the fuck were you thinking?).
-the Rossman |
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| Fan
mail just keeps pouring in here at the Rossman Chronicle! Just
about a month ago I got my first letter and now here I am with
a second!! I'm going to Baskin Robbins to treat myself to a cookie-dough
ice cream shake now to celebrate! |
PartyMan215Gen writes:
You are a total dipshit and your page is the internet's biggest
miscarriage! Just eat shit and die, cock suck! |
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My Response to PartyMan:
Glad you liked my site :). My next page is an online photo album
of your mother fucking a horse. |
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Wow! My first
entry on this page! I recently got an e-mail from ShawnSuperStallion
(abreviated as S3) who lives in Los Angeles, California! I was
so happy that somebody wrote in and gave me permission to post
their letter that I had to make this life-long-friendship in
the making last! So I decided to correspond with the Stallion
till he or I could take it no more. This is our story.
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S3 (the SuperStallion):
hey rossman! your page is pretty cool. you
are the god of anime. i love your evangelion page and your anibabes.
i wish that i knew an anime babe!! @_@ just kidding, i'm not
weird or anything, i just think that there hotter than real women.
nice page and e-mail me back so that we can talk anime!! |
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My Response to S3:
Where do you live. |
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S3:
why do you want to know where
i live? |
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Me:
As a "god of anime" I command you to inform me of your
location!! Also, is your mom hot? |
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S3:
i don't think i should be talking
to you anymore. i am only like 15 and i dont think that you are
allowed to come over. |
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Me:
You're only 15? So then your mom could be as young as say 28!!
Sweet! What are her measurements? Feel free to send me stuff
from her dresser drawers. I'll give you a P.O. Box so that the
police can't trace it to me. |
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S3:
please stop writing me. i am putting a block
on your e-mail address. my mom won't let me or my sister use
the email anymore to write to people we don't know. THANKS A
LOT!! |
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Me:
I'm using a new Yahoo account so that your mom can't stop me,
that whore. Soooooooo, tell me about this sister of yours....
Is she an older sister? Does she like aerobics? How about walking
on a stairmaster at a medium pace? Up down up down up down!!!!!
Oh yeah!!! I can just picture it! She looks just like your 25
year old mom too, doesn't she!!!!!! If I send you a lovely picture
of me can you make sure she gets it? |
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S3:
This is Shawn's mother. Please stop E-mailing
and antagonizing my son! You sick sick man!!!
P.S. Attached is a picture of me and below
you'll find my daytime telephone number.
(Pixelated so that S3's Mom can still show
her face at the office without too much shame) |
Actually,
it wasn't me writing to S3. I lied. I paid the Megaplayboy $2
to start up a pen pal friend for me with one of my so-called
fans. His internet etiquette needs to be sharpened up a bit before
I allow him to pretend to be me again. That or he needs to get
me a 6 pack of Sam Adams first....or give me S3's Mom's phone
number. That bastard's still keeping it to himself!! |
Laziness has taken
hold. Hard to focus. Plus I'm illiterate and can't really read
or write. That's what's taking me so long to do much with this
page. Kuni tried to help me learn to read, but it turns out he
was by-mistakenly learning me German through a Nazi Party Handbook.
I swear to God I didn't know!
Return
to the Mail Archive Page
Or Go Back to the Main Chronicle Page
This
site (design and text) is a copyrighted Rossman Production. Do
not copy any of it or I will come over there and rip off your
sack and feed it to your dog. All celebrities named on this page are impersonated for their
and your protection. They're rich and famous and all that
caca, so I'm allowed to "satirize" them and pretend
that they said this shit. Ain't America great!!
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