How To Throw a BACHELOR Party
(the Rossman way)

Cheers and jeersThings to do...

1) First things first. Find somebody who's getting married soon, or somehow trick a friend into proposing to his ugly girlfriend whom you don't even like. Remember, the only UNfun bachelor party is your own. Never let a friend trick you into proposing to a woman (or to a man). Kill them if they try.

After finding a chump who's willing to get hitched for the greater good (that "greater good" being said party), you must call up all your friends out of the holes that they live in and start planning a monster BACHELOR PARTY. Watching the Tom Hanks movie of the same name might provide you with some hints on how to plan a fun night.

2) Make sure you invite the one rich guy that everybody knows, even if he's a total dick. Brown nose him a lot so that he pays for lots of stuff (trust me, if done correctly a bachelor party can make you file for bankruptcy... you'll need that rich friend).

If it's actually the "rich guy" who's getting married make sure he brings his bank card with him and get him drunk really fast (so drunk that he won't remember giving you his plastic). You'll need his PIN number before the party gets into full swing too, so get him started on something that's at least 100% proof before you even get into the car in order to make it easier to extract that info.

Remember: The budget on a typical Bachelor Party should be at least six times what you might initially guess it to be. You'll always forget to factor in an extra prostitute or a few dozen rounds of shots for everyone.

Mmmmmmmmm... Titties... 3) Go to Vegas. You can't help but have a great time in Sin City. In Las Vegas you can have a three day hellapalooza of beer, babes and whores without ever coming up for air! And the whores in Nevada are all legal!

Before heading to the airport though, you must remember to tell the bride-to-be that you're just going to play video games all weekend at "Stevie's house". Make sure that there is no "Stevie" in your group. Or use the name of some fucker that you hate, so that he gets all the raging phone calls from the bride when her fiance doesn't come home for a few nights.

If you can't make it to Vegas (you pussy), you'd better at LEAST rent a room at some sleazy hotel for the weekend to use as your base of opperations. Use a fake name to book the room too. I've heard too many scary stories of chicks hunting down their significant others from the clutches of a great time in the middle of a Bachelor Party because they felt it "was their duty" or simply because they were the world's biggest cunts. Either way, a fake name and a twenty at the front desk will ensure that no bitches that you didn't pay for find out where the party is.

4) This could be the most important point... If your group honestly cannot afford to go to Vegas for your dear friend's Bachelor Party, you must NOT take the groom-to-be on a lame "adventure theme" day out. Are you fucking 12 years old!?!? Nope, 'cause even 12 year olds like looking at gyrating female titties and tail.

Jeesus christ!! I'm serious! If there is not one real live naked lady in your midst during the entire party then you fucked up big time. There should be no less than 12 strippers and 3 prostitutes. This dude deserves the whipping he's about to getMaybe one piece of livestock too. And a monkey in lingerie.

Once again, I've heard too many scary stories of pusswads "treating" their bachelor friend to one last fling of hiking... or canoeing... or lazer tagging. Holy shit, I want to shove some naked dancing babes in their faces and scream, "This is why God invented the penis, you pussy!" Celebrate the cock! Raise up your balls! Let strippers sit on your lap!... Just tip them well, and remember to never fall in love with them. They'll never love your fat ass back, champ.

5) Buy assloads of alcohol. Vodka and Red Bull is the way to go, but shooters and good old beer are always your party pals too.

Remember, the point of a Bachelor Party is to get everybody so goddamn drunk that they can't remember if the party is in their honor or not. By the end of the whole thing, every single one of your friends should either be lying naked on top of a whore, and/or lying naked in a pile of their own vomit.

6) Rent a limo. A must! Limos fucking rock and it's always cool to pop out of one at the front door of the nudie bar. Bouncers usually just let you walk right inside. No cover.

Also, make sure that your limo driver is cool before you hire him. You'll be spending a lot of time with the guy and if he's a royal git you'll have a sucky night. The guy who drove me and my pals around in Vegas last summer was a man's man. He took us to the best strip joints in town and even hung out with us inside the better ones. He was great at wrangling up the best lap dancers for us (i.e. the ones who let us grope ass) and he had the best advice for us like "Why go out for milk when ya got steak at ho-- Holy shit, check out the sweater muffins on that cunt! Yeeee haw!"

One of the great mysteries of lifeThe back seats of the better limos are full of free alcohol too. The chauffeur may ask for a big tip, but that's usually a hell of a lot cheaper than what the booze would cost you anywhere you go that night. Tip the man well. He just wants the same thing you do... That would be for everybody to get plastered and feel many warm and soft female bodies caressing your own. Plus limo drivers are reeeeeally good at keeping secrets. God bless 'em!

7) Another very important point to be made... Do NOT let the group schlong know that you're having a Bachelor Party, or, if he finds out that there is one, don't let him know where it will be. Tell him it's at Chuck E Cheese's or something.

I'm familiar with the problem... There's always one dick in your group of friends who nobody even knows how he snuck in to your social circle. Everybody hates him, but nobody has the balls to fucking tell the ass-munch the truth. True, that's mostly out of fear that the freak will turn all postal on you and break into your house and slit your throat while you sleep and then defecate in your open wound, but that's just a cop out!

That fag will ruin it for sure if he's invited. It's the group schlong who's always the first to either puke, punch a hooker, puke on a hooker, punch a mean pimp, piss on your car or tell the bride-to-be everything that you let her groom do on his party night. He's also the only asshole you know who'll bring a camera too...

The pig and the whore 8) Which brings me to my next point, DON'T BRING A GODDAMN CAMERA. Trust me, if you throw this party right, your memories will always be strong enough to elicit a smile even when you're on your death bed suffering from some horrible STD that you picked up from the ho that you took sloppy seconds from on the very night in question. That's why I don't have any photos from all of the bachelor parties I've ever been to. They are very incriminating for the groom. They can even be more crucifying to any of the other guys in attendance too. And if the bride's family is rich and loaded then you're also risking your buddy's financial future by letting evidence of his debauchery even exist.

Addendum: If the schlong of your group happens to be the only rich guy that you know, then you'll have to invite him, but make it clear to him (when he's shit faced of course) that he's only there because of his mullah. Tell him that he'd better behave himself or you'll beat the high hell out of him and steal his wallet. Hell, you might just want to do that anyway.

9) Only go to strip clubs with full nudity. If the chicks have to wear g-strings in any place that you go to then just fucking forget it. Leave. Don't look back.

Also, make sure that you go to the nicer clubs in town. You don't want your buddy to remember his last night of freedom as having nothing but wrinkled titties smashed in his face. You'd be better checking places out before hand... You know, just to make sure that no girlie is over the ripe old age of 27, and that all titties and asses are firm, yet supple. ALL OF THEM. Get crackin, mister!

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to handle certain PARTY FOULS that might arise during your festive Bachelor Party.

  • Problem: Someone kills a hooker.
    • Solution: Kill your friend who killed the hooker, put knives in both their hands and make it look like they stabbed each other to death. Yeah, I've seen CSI. I know how good TV cops are at solving crimes. But trust me on this one, most real cops and crime scene pigs couldn't see a bloody fingerprint on a white Nike to save their lives. It's a government job fer Christ's sake! If you tell them what supposedly happened (get your story straight, fellas), 9 times out of 10 they'll agree with you, bag 'em and tag 'em, then head on over to the closest Dunkin' Donuts for last call.
  • Problem: Some ass cock tells the bride-to-be everything that happened at the party.
    • Solution: Cement shoes and a tall bridge. Then tell the bride that the guy who told her those "filthy, horrible lies" never even showed up at her fiance's party. "He must have gone to an old frat brother's Bachelor Party or something. We played Yahtze all night. I swear!"
  • Problem: An angry pimp kills one of your friends.
    • Solution: Run the fuck away. Then get everybody who survived the pimp attack to memorize the following line: "Ritchie? Who's Ritchie? We don't know any Ritchie." Substitute the name "Ritchie" with whoever got knifed.
  • Problem: One of your friends is in the middle of a breakup or is otherwise completely depressed and bumming everybody else out, even the strippers.
    • Solution: I hate pig dicks who pull this crap. You must be strong and be ready to dump the depressed chump. The best way is to call out, "What?! You're out of money?!" Make sure that you're close to a bouncer when you say this. Your friend will be out of your hair (and the nudie bar) in no time.
  • Problem: The groom-to-be either sleeps with or proposes to one of the hot strippers who gave him a lap dance.
    • Solution: I can't give you a "solution" when there ain't no "problem".

Now go out there and have a naked good time!

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