I woke up early the next day and was surprised to find that my retarded friend had somehow made it back into the room. When I went to take a shower I saw that there was a Kuni-sized hole in the door through which he must have been thrown through. I only woke the concussioned Asian moron up as I was heading out the door (which was a dumb thing to do on my part since he doesn't regularly bathe on his own and he truly needed a cleansing that day) and he joined me on the bus to the Los Angeles Convention and Stip Bar Center where the 2001 E3 Expo was officially officially underway.

I lost Kuni as soon as we got there (I left him with some booth bunnies after I explained to him that they thought that Oriental dudes with gay "Menudo" t-shirts, sandals, and black socks pulled up to their knees were the sexiest cock on the planet) and hurried through some panels, workshops, conferences and meetings so that I could join the fun and whoring in the big convention halls below. Now, my employers don't want me to say what I learned and what kind of corporate espionage I participated in during the morning meetings and panels, so I will not talk about them. What I will comment on though is that that Miyamoto guy has a huge ass... Not that I was checking it out or anything. It's just that you really couldn't focus on anything else when he was in the room.

These lovely ladies were stationed outside of the conference rooms and it was their job to beat the living tar out of any fucks who tried to enter one of the panels or lectures about web shit and internet crapola instead of checking out all of the models in rubber and spandex who pretended to be Lara Croft, hot street fighters and nympho elves from the best in electronic entertainment that studios had to offer. Thank God they always went for the stomach! My face is my meal ticket and I'd 'uv had to have pissed my pants again if they broke my nose or poked my other eye in!

After I got down to the main show floor I started going wild. It was a sensory overload! So many things and gorgeous women to touch and play with! True, there were not nearly as many pretty booth babes as there had been in previous years, but some of the lovelies that the big companies had prancing around were PERFECT, with a capital "T" and "A". As I was wandering around the booths with stars in my eyes and happy thoughts lower down, I bumped into an old (psychotic) friend of mine who I had not seen in years, Jason Lords. I had known Jason from back in the third grade when we both went to Catholic school and he was mentally and physically destroyed every day by nuns with rulers. After the 2nd continuous year of that he eventually wore down and cracked like an egg that was smashed by a mallet. The last I had heard he was in juvie for throwing feces into a police car that was on patrol around the Toys R Us we used to hang out at. I never asked him if it was his.

Jason and I started scoping everything out. We hit the big booths first, such as the Sony set up and the Nintendo niche, and worked our way down. What surprised me the most right off the bat was the fact that along with the models who were just standing around showing as much cleavage as possible to get one to play all the crappy games in a company's booth, there were full-on all-out hookers there too! These gals and guys would do anything for money! It was obscene. The most blatant of these whores was Colby from Survivor II. I bet he would have given head to a horse with three cocks and a goiter if somebody had given him enough mullah.

After Jason and I paid Colby $3 to dry hump a Mega Man statue for 5 minutes we laughed and walked away (hopefully allowing the dude to ponder his fate and think about which bottle of cheap as piss whiskey he was going to blow the cash on later that night). We soon found ourselves in the world of electronic street fighters. We eventually tracked them all down, but we started with the best of the best. The Capcom games. First we kicked each other's faces in with Street Fighter EX Plus Super Alpha Omega Prime IX. I played Ryu and Jason was Ken's all grown up love child, the sexually confused Tito. I whooped his ass in 3D polygonal glory in all of 45 seconds! Jason then went a bit postal and began punching and kicking the arcade machine just like he was the man-beast Blanka's perverted younger brother.... which would explain a lot (including his tail). I got uber-pissed when we were escorted out of Capcom's gamers' paradise since I had yet to get any hands-on experience with the 24th Darkstalkers game or their 52nd Resident Evil clone Dino May Cry Eve.

I was lucky enough to get my boner in a picture with these hotties from Dead or Alive 14. After the picture they both started rubbing against me and grabbing my crotch in the most sensual and beautiful display of desire and pent up sexual urges I'd ever witnessed! They dragged me to the ground and had their way with me in a mad orgy of sweat, blood and motion lotion.... Actually, all that happened except for the part about the intercourse and the love. I did the bumping and grinding too... They did drag me to the floor, but it was mostly to hog tie me so that they could hand me over to the authorities more easily. They were giving me a vibe though. I can still feel it!