Yes, it was a California Dream/Wish/Pinky Promise come true.
After robbing the elderly and punching babies for money for an
entire 365 days I was able to save up enough cash to spend a
proper and decent amount of time lurking around the LA Convention
Center for the premiere convention of the year. Ogling the booth
bunnies who (un)dressed nicely to pimp the electronic wares and
give me pleasant dreams at night made up for the fact that I
was not at E3 purely for fun times. But as stated above, I won't
regurgitate all the boring panels, shmoozing and learning that
I actually participated in (if my boss is reading this, those
parts were really the best parts of the con and I loved them...
lots). Instead I'll focus on the flashy, giant-boothed, big screened
display halls and all the very nice hot chicks who saw fit to
hit me in the face with many hard objects. And now, on with
I had to get up pretty early
in the morning to catch my flight. Instead of going to the real
airport in the city I had to take a 12-seater prop plane from
the fake airport out in the boonies. I had the displeasure of
sitting next to some business woman who had never flown in a
bathtub (the relative size of our 'plane') before. The pilot
was on the crack-rock though and kept having flashbacks to the
Gulf War where he apparently had to "drop the big one on
those communist ass fucks" like Hussein (I'm guessing).
The barrel roles were a bit unnerving, but the bizatch next to
me kept screaming at every bump and twirl we took. She was praying
to "Jeebus" and saying stuff like "I swear, if
I ever make it back to Mutha Earf in one piece I'm gunna become
a nun and pray to you, Jeebus, all noon an' night!!! Fuck my
family!!! Those muthafuckas ain't here wid me right now!!! They
can screw demselves with they own goddamn dicks all I care!!!
Jus' get my ass down!!!"
The slightly insane grandma in front of us shut her up in
her own special way though. Granny kept turning around in her
seat (even when the "fasten your seatbelt" sign was
on! Whatta whore!) and yelling out "I eat garbonzos and
prunes for breakfast!" Then she'd rip a few nasty ones like
Carl on a typical morning visit to the porcelain office god right
before I have to take a leak. At first I thought that the psycho
wrinkle-bag was faking the noises like that little kindergartener
in Billy Madison, but then the stench of a full Depends
undergarment hit me! My olfactory senses have only been hit that
hard two times before (once by the extremely rank outhouse at
the camp I went to as a kid [no running water at all, and the
john was just a hole in the ground with a shitload of shit, dead
animals and chemicals poured into it in a beyond-pukey combination
of filth], and another when my college roommate ordered Tai and
Mexican within a 12 hour period). I was able to stay conscious
(due to my rigorous Jedi breathing training), but thankfully
the loudmouthed Jeebus freak got a mouthful of foul air and died.
That was okay by me, but the pilot also whiffed the recycled
old-person waste and passed out on the control stick. The maniacal
old bitty only responded with "Raúl likes to lick
the dog, Dildo, after mowing the lawn in the rain." I had
to punch her in the face (well, I didn't have to) before
pulling the pilot out of his seat and making some middle aged
fucker behind me give him mouth to mouth (then I had to punch
him in the face to get him to stop).
safely was only the first scary adventure I had to endure. Finding
a cab that doesn't have puke on the floor and jizz on the windows
is an all but impossible task in LA LA Land.
Fortunately I was able to find a cabbie who didn't mind cleaning
up his wheels a bit for a fare. He also let me drive as
long as we put the top down, picked up some of his homies and
drove by the home of some "mutha fucka bitch ass dick licker".
The cabbie and his friends opened up a can of pure whoop-ass
on the "dick licker's" place in the form of automatic
and explosive weapons. And apparently in LA, when you're driving
the car from which those grenades and bullets fly from you're
responsible for some of the damage and death that results. That
rule fucking sucks cod piece!