Tea with the Rossman
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People who don't like the same movies that I like are stupid. That's obvious. But I don't mind having intelligent conversations with them to find out why they didn't like what I liked, or why they liked something I thought was pure, unadulterated shit. Unfortunately I never get intelligent conversation from my argumentors. See below.

The Critical message:

RE: Sky Captain

Christ on a crutch! This was the worst bit of cinematic crap since Raiders of the Lost Ark... At least Raiders had some original scripting in it but Sky Captain's writer, Kerry Conran basically plagerized every private eye movie made in the thirties...

Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought the movie sucked big time either...

$40,000,000 (estimated)
Opening Weekend
$15,580,278 (USA) (19 September 2004) (3,170 Screens)
£628,808 (UK) (3 October 2004) (346 Screens)
707,777 (Italy) (14 November 2004) (276 Screens)
75,664 (Netherlands) (24 October 2004) (50 Screens)
$37,760,080 (USA) (19 December 2004)


My Movietastic Response:

So by your fucktard logic, the Phantom Menace must be one of the greatest movies ever made. It brought in over $300million in the States alone, so it must be better than the Godfather Part II and Braveheart combined. Thank you for setting me straight.

Out of curiousity, Mr. Ebert, what did you think was the best movie of last year? Sky Captain sucked, I get that. Anyone can say something sucked. I want to know what your basis for comparison is.... That is if you actually even SAW Sky Captain.. Which I'm more than willing to bet that you didn't and that you're just talking out of your ass.

-the Rossman

His re-re Response to mine:

Hey Ross the Retard:

Now you are starting to get a grip on reality...

The whole God Father series was another load of cinematic crapola fit only for fools who apparently didn't understand what the assholes who made these movies were trying to laud...

Let me guess Ross the Retard, you sound like a dim-witted Democrat...

So Ross the Retard, there wasn't a good movie let alone a best movie last year... Out of the supposedly 10 best movies last year, only the Harry Potter movie was mildly entertaining...

How come Ross the Retard knows the name of a trouser trout troller like Ebert? Take your cues from that mincing maggo, do you?

Gosh, in an effort to prove you are thoroughly going dumb bastard, you keep yammering on about the supposed good qualities of Sky Captain...

Let me guess shit for brains you have also never seen some of those old B pictures made in the thirties, right?

Otherwise  Ross the Retard would've realized that Kerry Conran plagiarized the worst lines from all those movies...

Hey Ross the Retard, are you a victim of a public school education?

My Follow up:

Jesus, man, did Kerry Conran rape you as a baby? You seem to have some deep-rooted hatred for the man. I think you need some help. Some psych help. I'm here for you... Tell me about your mother. Is she hot? Do you have pictures of your 18 year old sister in the shower? No, I don't want any of you in there with her, just her solo... Nice and lathered up.

Also, did you just call me a fucking Democrat?! Okay, you can knock my fave movies, dicklick, but don't EVER call me a "liberal"!... Well, unless you catch me trying to get into some big tittied (and stupid) journalism major's pants. Then, tell her I'm a left wing pussy. They really dig that shit.

-the Rossman

(Wow, you also hated the Godfather Part I and II?... But you loved Hairy Pothead?.... So you're like 12 years-old? 11? Just go back to watching all that gay porn you have stashed away in your closet. All that gay porn with digital faggy duckbilled creatures in it)

Russ can't even keep his letters on topic. He switches from attacking Sky Captain's domestic and worldwide gross, to saying that I'm a "dim-witted Democrat" with a public school education (both of which are incorrect, but I would pretend to be a liberal before I started bragging about my private hellschool edumacation). Since he's obviously never read anything else on my site other than that one review, I just ignored the rest of his e-mails. He's just your average big-mouthed AOLer, who doesn't know the difference between "paying homage" and "stealing," who's pissed off because daddy put a block on all the gay porn on the family's computer.


God bless America! The land where people are allowed to believe that other, mean people in the world are allowed to kill us if they feel like it. Here's a really gay quickie from some kid who thinks he's cool because he has a "gmail" account.

The original Gmail:

your interview with saddam, or whatever that peice of shit was, was so painfully unfunny i had to shoot my whole family and rape my mothers dog just to be reminded of the better things in life. bush lied about the weapons he had and you lied about everything else. maybe i should shoot you instead next time

My right Response:

C'mon, be truthful.  You'd been looking forward to raping that dog for years now.  Don't blame my interview on it.

-the Rossman


This is why Malcolm Z wrote his article againt "blind faith" in the first place. In order to rile up the assfucks of America who get offended when people ask them to "think for themselves." Behold, the gayness of the average AOLer.

Yes, you truly are an assholeThe fucktarded Message:

Let me tell your sorry-ass something rossshit/ OH i mean rossman,  your bunk that you put out  and I dont mean your ass etheir   is full of my dogs shit, including  the sorry ass peanut head malcom zit you both num-fucks are headed to hell ,SHIT hells too good for scums like you & zits oh well they find some sorry ass place thats fit for scum.  see ya ,peace-out BITCH  .      have a nice day

My heavenly Response (well, my second response seeing as the man known as "Salvherz " blocked my official e-mail address soon after sending me his message and I had to find an alternate route to his in-box):

Talk about being a hypocrite. You send me a very angry letter, religion boy, but then block my email so that you don't have to read my reply? This is why Malcolm dislikes overly-religious dicks like you. You don't practice what you preach. You yell in people's faces, then turn around so you don't have to hear their reply. Below is my original reply before it got bounced back.


Hey, Champ. You obviously have some major issues, so let's go sentence by senten.... Uh, well, since you can't even fix your thoughts up into convenient literate English sentence structures, I'll just disect your letter thought by incomprehensible thought.

> Let me tell your sorry-ass something rossshit/ OH i
> mean rossman,

Your insults need work there, Chopper. I do like how you emphasize the "OH" to let me know that you're being patronizing in refering to me as a "man". Funny, you can't even claim to be the same. Last night after I titty fucked your mother she let me in on the secret that the doctor actually cut your wee little dick off after your birth along with your umbilical cord cause he thought it was a roach crawling between your legs. Tough break, dickless.

> your bunk
> that you put out and I dont mean your ass etheir
> is full of my dogs shit,

I don't get the first part of this "insult", but the second part is right. Well, it is partially right. I do shit out of my ass, unlike you, who talk out of yours.

> including the sorry ass peanut head malcom zit you
> both num-fucks are headed
> to hell ,

"Sorry ass peanut head Malcolm zit"? I fucking HATE that Malcolm in the Middle show! Goddammit! It has so gone to shit in the past few seasons... Waaaaait a minute. Ah, the first clue as to what your letter is really about! You're either refering to Malcolm's review of Planetes (where he hated the show cause no brothahs were represented), or you're talking about Malcolm's views on religion, and his thoughts that only morons who can't think for themselves believe that the Bible is actually true. Holy fucking shit! You actually believe that dinosaur bones are God's way of "testing" mankind, don't you! You also seriously believe that a guy named Noah packed up two of every creature on the planet in one big boat and DIDN'T ass fuck the goats! Awesome!

>SHIT hells too good for scums like you &
> zits oh well they find some
> sorry ass place thats fit for scum. see ya
> ,peace-out BITCH . have a
> nice day

I will, thank you, mostly because I don't believe that an invisible man in the sky is marking down in a book how many times I touch myself in a day, or how many times I think of putting a bullet in the heads of morons like you every year in order to thin the herd (that last one is 1,500,394 times a year, just FYI). Ciao!..... And God bless your virgin ass.

-the Rossman

So far, no response. I miss him dearly :(


People sometimes wonder if I write from personal experiences. I try to tell them that only good writers do stuff like that, and I am far from a good writer. Below is one such confused instance.

The Geeky Message:

Fat, crossdresser.... GeekHey I thought your geek article was as usual sad and funny. Hey do u consider yourself a geek. Plus I thought u elaborated the term geek a little too strict.
Well, have a stab at this. Don't you think the Wachowski brothers were very much geeks in their own right, and according to the feature a smart nerd as well. Geeks they may be but they have used their geek abilities to make themselves wealthy, famous and well respected in their own field. They are very happy geeks, indeed.


My Geeky, but slightly dignified, Response:

No, unfortunately (.....fortunately?) I am not a geek. I am not overweight (though I try), and I have at least one friend who is not imaginary (though he would beg to differ about the "friend" part... Bastard). You could probably count me as a wannabegeek though. Same with the Wachowskis. Sure, geeks can be rich, but their mental capacity is usually limited to living in an imaginary world created by someone else. Geeks (REAL geeks) don't have the ability to make up their own geeky stuff. They live vicariously through others' creations (i.e. cosplayers, fanfic writers, my readers). The Wachowskis created their own universe and characters. That ability would scare real geeks.

-the Rossman.


This is the first time ever I actually learned something that could maybe be useful if I ever tried to do something with my life... Like say, build a molecular transferance device.

The Teachable Message:


I stumbled across your great site recently while researching my favorite Transformers character, Unicron (Luv the stuff you have on him, btw, and I *totally* agree with you on Transformers: Crapmada).

While browsing your site some more, I came across the section devoted to GI Joe, Real American Hero (the first movie) where you ask the question, "How can 'heavy water' power the MASS device?" The answer, as anyone familiar with nuclear fusion knows, is, heavy water is just H2O in which one or more of the two hydrogen atoms (which usually consist of just a proton for a nucleus, with an electron in orbit) making up each water molecule, has a neutron or two in its nucleus along with the usual solitary proton.

Hydrogen with one neutron in its nucleus is called "deuterium," and is the most common stuff used in fusion experiments and may one day power commercial fusion reactors and fusion spacecraft. Deuterium is quite common (There's enough in the top 12 inches of any one of the Great Lakes to equal the world's petroleum supply for purposes of energy production; No need to dive to the bottom of an ocean trench), and is non-radioactive.
Hydrogen with two neutrons in the nucleus is called "tritium," is *much* rarer, is radioactive with a half-life of about 12 or 13 years (I forget exactly), and is also used in fusion experiments and in hydrogen bombs (Tritium fuses *much* more easily than deuterium, but its rarity and short half-life is a major disadvantage).

Seems to me the MASS device derives its power for operation from some sort of fusion process (Maybe the radioactive crystals contain tritium, which combined with deuterium make for the easiet-to-attain fusion reaction). I remember thinking this when I first saw the show when it first came out or shortly after (I guess I would have been 11 or 12 at the time). Would be *hugely* powerful, moreso than anything except matter-antimatter annihilation. Of course, this presupposes that someone (a terrorist organization, no less) was able to achieve controlled fusion as early as 1983. Oh well, another illogical feature of the show to add to your critique of it, I guess.

Once again, luv your site. Especially your information on Unicron, and on that actress who played Vicki in Small Wonder. Did she actually kill anyone?



My Now Learned Response:
Holy shit! Did you just make that stuff up, cause if you did, good job! Are you a nuclear power plant safety director? Who are you, so wise in the ways of science and G.I. Joe?

As for Unicron, the toy does indeed kick royal hiney.
And as for TV's Vicki the Robot, I don't think she ever killed anyone, but she did break my heart :(

-the Rossman

I usually get a lot of hate-mail... It's a hazard of being a dickhead online. I've learned to live with it. But on those rare occasions when I actually get LOVE-mail... Well, I simply don't know how to deal with them. I just don't cope well with affection.

The Lovely Message:

Dear Mr. Ross-man.
I just wanted you to know that I read your page and I love it. In fact I love you! I want to marry you and have your children. I think that 4 or 10 would make a good family. All boys so they can be as manly as their father. I can cook and clean and I love to give head. I would make the perfect wife for you. Please keep me in mind when you decide to stop sowing your wild oats.


My Wary Response:

Thank you, "Kim", for your warm letter of affection and desire..... You're a man aren't you. The Wolfman put me on a gay mailing list and you're just trying to get into my pants without a thought of my feelings or non-gayness.

I can understand your infatuation with me, after all, I am all hunk... But sorry, no. I must put my foot down somewhere and that where is here. The Rossman just don't don't drive on the left side of the road. Sorry, he don't wind-surf nekkid either.

-the Rossman

(P.S. Can you make homemade lasagna?)

The Lovely Response to My Response:

Tattas from heaven... *Sigh*Oh Ross-man, you broke my heart. :(
I am nothing more than an 18 year-old nymphomaniac who wants to settle down with that right somebody and start making love with no end in site. I'm sorry, I guess we were never meant to be together.


PS I have enclosed a picture of me for you to remember my love.

My Final Response:
Wait! Baby, I can change!

*Sigh* Well, that's really a lie. No, I can't change. All I can do, Kim, is wish you well... And pray that you and your eventual lover burn in Hell for a few thousand years for not giving me a second chance (don't worry, that's not a very long time when compared to eternity).

-the forlorn Rossman

(P.S. Send more pics!!)

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This site (design and text) is a copyrighted Rossman Production. Do not copy any of it or I will come over there and rip off your sack and feed it to your dog. All celebrities named on this page are impersonated for their and your protection. They're rich and famous and all that caca, so I'm allowed to "satirize" them and pretend that they said this shit. Ain't America great!!