So you're tired of being confused about your place in the HIGH SCHOOL hierarchy. You've tried all the clubs and cliques but you're still stumped on what you should do and with whom you should hang out with. You're ready to embrace your destiny and become the jock/nerd/cheerleader/social pariah that you always knew you could be. You're ready to get laid. You're ready to DO HIGH SCHOOL the Rossman Way!

Step 1: Learn what you are

First you have to find out what clique you belong to. Now, this may not be something you choose for yourself, but you WILL be a part of some social grouping... That's just how it's done. The choices are (from the top of the high school food chain to the very bottom): Jock/cheerleader -- bully -- class clown -- normal -- toady -- student council member -- strange or dangerous loner -- stoner -- band/flag corp -- or nerd/geek. The higher on the chain you are the more choices you have. Meaning if you're a jock you COULD hypothetically choose to lower your standing and become a normal, a toady, a strange loner, or even a nerd. But if you're a nerd, you can NEVER raise yourself up to the level of a jock. That goes against Einstein's laws of Comprehensive Campus Identity (aka the Social Waterfall Effect -- Once you fall down, you can't swim back up against the mighty current).

Climbing up one (possibly two) rung(s) higher on the ladder IS theoretically possible, but nothing more than that should ever really be attempted (unless you did something REALLY fucking cool in front of a lot of people who are better than you -- like if you somehow got caught making out with a person who's much higher on the social ladder than you are... Though even after you rise in the ranks your make out partner runs the risk of falling a few spaces for sucking on the tonsils of somebody classified much lower than herself. Sucks to be her). A nerdette COULD in fact become a flag corp person, but never a normal; and a normal COULD work out and push himself to the limit to become a jock, but if they could they probably would have done so long before now. No, once you're in a classification you're pretty much stuck with it through your entire high school career... And usually for the rest of your life too, but that's an article for another day.

So, are you ready to figure out which group you're in? This is fairly easy and very cliche, but my classification system does work. First of all, look at yourself. Right now, in a mirror. I'll wait........ What did you see? Muscles and a look of smug superiority on your face? Congrats, you're a jock!
Did you see blonde hair, nice tits, lots of mascara, and curvy, toned legs. Hey, you're a cheerleader!
Did you see a fat, angry face that looked like it was either going to pound somebody's skull in, or cry oneself to sleep while wishing that everybody in the world would die? Cool, you're a bully!
Did you see messed up hair, a wrinkled shirt buttoned to the top button, no chin, tons and tons of pimples, and really retarded-looking, black-framed glasses? You are a nerd. Sorry.
Did you see a chunky face and a smile full of braces? You're either a nerd or a flag corp girl. To sort this out you have to ask yourself if you constantly strive to be loved by those more popular than you even though it's never ever going to happen? If you do, you're a flag corp girl. Nerds accept their place in life by constantly repeating to themselves "I am happy with straight 'A's. I can put up with the wedgies because they'll all be pumping my gas for me someday. D&D rulz!"
Did you see a bandana tied around your head, a leather jacket and/or kilt, and a knife or any other sort of dangerous object that could be used as a weapon? You are most definitely a dangerous loner.
Did you see a smiling face, eager for your existence to be acknowledged by anybody around you at any given moment? A mouth that's ready to make raspberry-sounds at a moment's notice for a few, forced, unnatural laughs? Class clown.
Did you see a face covered in sweat from marching in formation for an entire afternoon, or from blowing a horn or tapping some drums... and you're not in a REAL rock band? I hate to break it to you, but you're nothing but a bandie. Tough break.
Did you see blood-shot eyes, greasy, stringy hair, the same clothes you've had on for the past week, and a haze of smoke behind you? If you can't stop giggling at your own reflection or even if you got the urge for some Doritos and had to make a run for the kitchen before you even got to the mirror, you're a stoner.
Did you see a starched shirt, a tie, and an envelope with the words "Teacher recommendations" in your hand? Yikes! You're a student council suck-up!
If you looked like a normal guy or gal, you probably are. Think back to your previous day in school though, and we'll see if you're really a toady instead. Did you get a 'C' on your Biology test and not give a shit one way or the other? Or did you follow a jock or a bully around all day, kissing his ass like a little sycophantic, boot-licking parasite? If you did the parasite thing, you're a toady. Not giving a shit about the 8 hours you spend in the prison shaped like a classroom means you're a normal.

There. Now that we've sorted out WHAT you are, let's get into how to live your high school life right.

Step 2: Acceptance

Yes, it's true. You can be something other than a hot jock or busty cheerleader and still have a happy 4-7 years in high school. The next step is learning how to not-necessarily LOVE your place in the high-school totem pole, but understand it and accept it. Nothing (absolutely NOTHING) is sadder than a nerd who thinks he/she can sit at the jocks'/cheerleaders' table in the cafeteria. Oh man... THIS is why we have Columbines in this country. Outcast kids can't understand that they're never meant to hang with the "cool" kids. I don't give a shit what crappy movies or after-school specials tell you... It's just not natural. Just like class clowns should never try to be smart. They should just concentrate on being smart ASSES.

It's a bully's duty to lick his fingers and smear them on a passing nerd's glasses -- just like it's a nerd's duty to just stand there and take the licking, and possibly even offer his underwear up for an atomic wedgie while his wallet is being raped by the bully's fat fingers.

Band people, it's your duty to go through life disillusioned, thinking that being in the school band it the equivalent of playing bass in Guns 'N Roses. It's your job to firmly believe this and try to sell it to all your mocking, sadistic classmates in fifth period Spanish. My God will they mock.

Dangerous loners, you must never want to join any group, or wear anything on your feet but army boots (even with the kilt... ESPECIALLY with the kilt). You must be able to look like you're pissed at the world even if you got an extra Twinkie in your lunch that day (fuckin' A! An extra Twinkie!).

And normals, well, you've got the easiest acceptability assignment... Just go through high school like it doesn't really matter in the long run. This is the easiest classification to be saddled with since high school really doesn't amount to a hill of shit when it's all said and done. Everybody (from the tallest and mightiest jock, down to the skinniest and wimpiest nerd), except the normals, think that high school is the be-all, end-all culmination of their lives. Trust me, it's not even close. That's just so fucking stupid... There's still your first weekend-long, apartment (dozen) kegger to look forward to! The only REAL thing that high school is good for is getting laid for the first time.

Step 3: Getting laid for the first time

Most people lose their virginity in high school. Yes, even the bandies and nerds can and do pop their cherries during their 4 years stuck in alphabetically-listed locker Hell. Scoring some high school ass is pretty much the ONLY reason for going to school at all (here's a secret: most of the shit that they make you memorize [from the capital of Oklahoma, to the square root of an obtuse triangle] is completely bullshit... NONE of it matters in the real world. Go up to any billionaire CEO of any giant, mega-corporation and ask him what year the battle of Waterloo took place in. Not only will he put out his cigar on your temple, but he'll more than likely laugh as his bodyguards step on your nads with their size 13 wing-tips).

So as I was saying; getting laid. Everyone can and should get some action in high school (unless you are a teacher or janitor, then that's just illegal... Although you could then sell your story to a hentai game maker in Japan and make some mad cash that way. And there is an exception to the unwritten "no teacher shall pork his/her students" rule -- If you are a hot as hell woman teacher, and you want to fuck the shit out of a lucky lad [hell, or lass] in your class... Feel free. But ONLY "hot as hell women teachers" are allowed this privilege. It should be obvious why. I should not have to explain this to you any more). There's no excuse at all for failure.

Once again though the Social Waterfall Effect shows that people at the top of the pecking order CAN in fact fuck anything lower than them, but they really should stay within their own level of popularity. A jock caught porking a flag corp girl will pretty much destroy his reputation. He may in fact fall a couple of places on the totem pole too... Say from jock to bully. That's a painful drop in status. Even if she was a great lay (and seriously, face facts, unless her mother's Heidi Fleiss and she taught her flag-twirling, outcast daughter everything about turning tricks that she knew, she won't be worth it), you will probably NEVER regain your status as a studly jock again. Considering this is pretty much ALL that jocks live for, shit, man, you're life is over.

The only exception to the "fucking lower on the ladder than you" rule goes to the stoner. Seriously, they could get caught fucking the school mascot and it wouldn't hurt what little of their rep that they had left. People would just laugh and say, "aaaah, what a funny stoner with the boner." Some of the nerdettes may cry, thinking that they had more to offer the stoner than the Mad Fighting Rooster. Ha ha! Fuck you, nerdettes!

Let me make this point perfectly clear: Your first time won't really matter who your partner is (physically). All first times are the exact same: You have no idea what the hell's going on, there's some moaning (most likely at all the wrong times), heads are banged (usually together, though also a lot on bed boards, floors, stairs or car doors), teeth are clacked and chipped, and you're usually done a good 3-4 minutes before you realize it. For the ladies' first time there's PAIN (unless you've been practicing with that vibrating cucumber like you should have been, and even then he might be going for the wrong hole), discomfort (from seatbelts stuck in the back, or leg cramps from him not knowing what position he's going for), and a finale that's nowhere NEAR your actual point of combustion. Plus you ladies will have to learn to lie pretty much from the beginning of the experience ("yeah, baby, it's filling me up!" and "oooh, yeah, that was good for me too." Practice saying these things in a sultry voice in front of the mirror to make sure that you don't laugh). My point is that everybody has to have a first time, but that first time is going to be something COMPLETELY different from what you hoped/dreamed it'd be (and what pornos told you it'd be)... Unless your first time is with a hooker or a teacher. And dammit, man, make sure that your teacher is HOT, or that you can at least get an "A" in her class out of it.

Finding somebody to lose your virginity too should be relatively simple for the main reason that EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK at that age. Hot chicks, dorky guys, chunky girls, and beefcake boys... They all want to do the nasty. The easiest and fastest way to get some (and therefore accomplish the only thing worth attaining in high school... Fuck the diploma) is like I just said two paragraphs above: Stick with the Social Waterfall Effect. Jocks, just ask a cheerleader out on a date when your or her parents are out of town. Boom, you just got some. Geeks and nerdettes, invite yourself over to a shy member of the opposite sex's house on a Friday night to watch the six-hour block of crappy sci-fi series on the Sci-Fi channel, and use the sultry advances of those hot Cylons on Battlestar Galactica to make your own move on your potential lover. Trust me, he/she is just as horny and awkward as you, so they won't push you off of them (well, unless they're gay, but that's a risk you're going to have to take, you goddamn nerdy virgin!). Normals, the reason you got a car (or borrowed your parents') is for the backseat. Just get your equally normal and horny date back there and you're in. Literally. Student council dorks, just start reciting all your stupid and gay awards and spelling bee ribbons that you've won to another member of the council, and he/she'll get worked into a red-hot sexual frenzy in spitting back his/her own who-gives-a-shit distinctions and scholarships conferred upon themselves (God that just... Ewww, I pictured two members of my old student council slappin' pasty thighs together and I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). Pick a partner in your same cliquey classification, and all you'll need to do is get them alone. Giggidy giggidy giggidy!

Now, you may be virgins, but I'm guessing you're not retarded. If you are retarded and don't know about protection and what doin' the deed is naturally and scientifically all about... Well then, maybe you really should pay a bit more attention in Biology class. But to help you out here's my How To Make Real Babies page that I think you should check out before unhooking that bra. Trust me, having to burp a baby in the middle of cheerleading try-outs is NOT what high school is all about.

What I'd recommend to you is to double bag your cock-balloons. This is good for two reasons: it'll keep you from feeling the pounding too much, and your pussy-drilling will last longer; and it'll make double sure nothing slips past the goalie. The key to double bagging it is to first put on a regular condom, then put a larger one over it. This'll make you feel more manly at the drug store when you check out with Magnums too. When people look at you just smile and wink back.

Step 4: Classes and homework

Jeezus Christ! Did you not read the first 3 steps? This has nothing at all to do with "Doing High School Right." If you opened a book for any purpose other than drawing word bubbles over the heads of the photos of two people conversing in Spanish, or of the meeting of Stalin, FDR and Churchill then you have really wasted the best years of your life. You skipped Step 3, didn't you?! DIDN'T YOU! You make me sick...

Step 5 : Prom

Yes, the prom is a requirement, no matter what you think of it. It is where you show off your spoils of war, and who you bagged in the end of your academic career. Whoever banged the hottest person in their individual classifications wins! Whoever you show up with at the prom will be how you're best remembered forever. FOREVER... Well, unless you're the mastermind behind the senior prank in which the principal's car was dunked into a tank of toxic waste on his birthday. Then you sir, or madam, rock.

You have to play step 5 right though. You don't want to nail the head cheerleader all year long, only to get dumped by her a week before the prom and be forced to take your ex's toady instead. Ugh! Props to the female toady, but negative marks for the jock in question. You just blew your chances for King and Queen of the Prom.... Ha ha ha! Oh man, I'm kidding about that kingly goal there. Even if the team quarterback and the women's track star get elected king and queen, that 'honor' is still the gayest thing you could ever wish upon your most hated enemy. Twenty-five years from now, at the reunion, people will still be making fun of you for getting up on that stage in that shitty and gay crown, and waving to all your classmates in triumph. If you then tried to stage dive your way into immortality, well, I just hope you can pass the stunt off as only happening after you bumped into a stoner in the loo before the coronation ceremony and he MADE you eat some brownies... But trust me, if there's just one picture of you in that crown at the reunion, even the president of the student council will be pointing and giggling at you in that gay way he always used to laugh, only you can't punch him in the large nose now because he owns Shell Oil. Just say "NO" to the kingly and queenly crowns before it haunts you for every reunion you go to till you die alone and in shame.

Step 6: Graduation

Just grab the diploma and get the fuck out of there.

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to do high school.

• Problem: You can't get any poon tang and are thinking of blowing up the school along with all the jocks and bullies who always push you around, and the last 10 girls who laughed in your face when you proposed that you and she "get ready to rrrrrrrrumble!"
  
  
  • Solution: Holy angel fucks are you a loser! First of all, only the world's biggest fag-wads bring weapons to school. If you can't defend yourself, or your pride, with only your own bare fists you don't deserve any sort of "vengeance" or snatch.
    Try standing up to the bullies. No, you don't have to fight fair, as the odds are totally stacked against you (and all the spectators of your attempt to get some dignity will probably expect you to go for the nads, so don' t disappoint). But you do have to try and show that you're a man. Plus, even if you get the living tar kicked out of you, you might have changed the minds of some of the females who once dissed you who then saw the fight. Or you may have at least gained some sympathy from a chick, enough to get some sympathy sex out of her. And that's all that really matters.
    
    
• Problem: You can't get laid. You try and you try but you just can't get a member of the opposite sex to bang you.
  
  
  • Solution: My guess is that you're aiming too high here, champ. You're more than likely in "loser denial." Set your sights a little lower, champ. You're probably in the flag corp category, or you're a dangerous loner and you're attempting to get into the pants/panties of a normal or jock/cheerleader. That's not very realistic now, is it. For a sure-fire lay, just ask a nerd to show you the computer labs after school, lock the door behind him/her, and get naked. More than likely the nerd/nerdette will be petrified at first, but then jump at the chance to finally get some sausage and donut action of his/her own. Remember, when desperate, aim looooooow.
    You might want to also try a stoner, even if you're below them on the high school hierarchy. Lure the stoner into an empty room with either some joints or a whole pepperoni pizza laid out on a table. Let them go to town on the doobies or the food and just take them from behind. You'll finish before they do, so just quietly zip up and exit the room. Then call all your loser friends and brag. Trust me, this is the best it's ever going to get for you.
    
    
• Problem: You got busted for banging your baby batter all over a babe in the band room by the janitor.
  
  
  • Solution: I swear to God that this actually happened in my school! My advice is to always make sure that the door is fucking locked -- be it the band room, the computer lab, the boys room, the principal's office, or hell, even your own bedroom! Lock the door and close the blinds. Nothing's worse than your fuck buddy calling "rape" on you when you're discovered by a third party, so that her daddy won't sell her Mustang GT for thinking his little princess is a slut... Which of course she is. Ooooooooh yeah, she is. Who's a slut?! Who's my little slutty slut?!! Oh yeah, you is, baby... Oh yeeeeeeah! What's my name, bitch?!?!

Now go out there and do high school!